What have I purposely gotten myself into?

This is going to ruffle feathers and upset people, but it is what it is and it’s mine to own.

My first husband popped back into my life about 4-5 months ago. He’s remarried to an amazing woman, has 2 beautiful kids, and a wonderful life. To start this off, my intention is not to destroy that or be named in divorce papers with him again LOL. I adore his wife probably as much as him. Her feelings and status mean more to me than she probably knows.. but I think after this week, it’s becoming more clear to her.

They are here for a week. Mostly for him and I to reconnect and work through the trauma of our very short marriage. I was 17…he was 22.. far too young for all of the passion and drama that is marriage. After a very volatile period of time, we went our separate ways. Shortly after, I miscarried with our second pregnancy. We never talked about all of this at the time and he has carried a lot of emotion and guilt about how things transpired.

Once we started talking again, it was very obvious that we still have a very strong connection to each other. We truly love each other for the people that we are. He is 1300 miles away, so this is not a physical narrative for us… this is a deep and complex love that neither of us can figure out or explain…nor do we have any intention of trying to make it go away. She knows this, loves us both and understands that he has the ability to love us both in different ways. She and I have had our private conversations to discuss, but there is still that underlying question of “WHAT NOW?”

This conversation took place mostly last night. Face to face, rather than over messenger. She knows her feelings and her marriage are top priority to me and understands that I also love him very deeply.

Within hours of that conversation, he had a medical emergency on my back deck. He lost consciousness a couple of times and I swore he was having a stroke or some kind of seizure. I called 911 (against their wishes) to make sure he was okay. Dehydration is no joke at this elevation and we just have overdone it for days – trying to get everything in and make some unforgettable memories.

Now, I am spending my day crying. In the middle of all of this, while I’m on with 911… he looked so pale.. he looks at me and tells me that he loves me like he’s never going to see me again. I will never get that moment out of my head. I just got him back in my life and I’m not ready to let him go again. He is the only person who has been able to break open my heart, knock down walls, allow me to be me, and unconditionally love me. In a way that no one has ever been able to do. Not in a clichĂ© way… in a true and raw way.

I have struggled with how to process this. We swore we weren’t going to let this get out of control, but here we are. And now.. with this.. All of us are trying to figure out what our future looks like, all together. She and I have joked over the months about us being sister wives. We’re essentially identical, minus a few things, and we both love him more than we love ourselves most days. Having her here, last night and this morning, has been a huge help for me, but we both are going through our own stuff.

I sent them off to make their own memories today. Something that they can look back on that is theirs and doesn’t have me in the background. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to be around them, just giving them some time to be with each other after last night. It also gives me the time and space to process my emotions that have come out of nowhere and with so much intensity.

I’m struggling with whether the universe is testing me. But how can LOVE be wrong? Just because our love isn’t conventional in most worlds, it’s something that we all need. I have deprived myself of so many simple joys in life. I don’t want to deprive myself of feeling this. After the last 2 years, this is exactly what I want in my life right now.

I’m exhausted. Mentally, mostly. Not complaining, just trying to decompress and work through all of this without dragging anyone else down with me. I have a feeling that there is about to be a very complicated and serious discussion between the 3 of us soon… Just have to decide how to move forward. I promised him I was here for the long haul, and that will not change. May just have to change the landscape.

Why can’t things just be simple, organic, and lacking drama?

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