Archive | July 2019

A life of YES?!

Jul18

Most of my time, energy, and effort is spent on what other people think.  I deny myself the simplest of pleasures or gestures because I’m worried about how I will look to someone else or what everyone will think if they ever found out.

I chose to say “yes” a few days ago to do something that no one in my life would understand.  Maybe I shouldn’t have… but honestly I had a great day and an amazing time.  I was so sick of denying myself joy that I decided that the backlash or bad Karma was worth it.  I probably have a load of sh*t coming my way.

Here’s my understanding with Karma.. if it’s small, it’s instant Karma for me.  If it’s huge, Karma waits until I’m comfy and then drops it all on me at once.  Queue my breakup in April.  I’m sure it was some kind of Karma that I earned at some point and was likely related to my day of “yes” (more about the person I shared the day with than the actual day itself).

I’ve given a number of apologies the last couple of weeks.  Trying to own my participation in the train wreck that is my life these days.  Ironically, it helped.  Here are some of the things that I’ve apologized for:

  • My debilitating anxiety that makes it appear to outsiders that I’m lazy.  – What it really is? I get so incredibly overwhelmed that I shut down.  I don’t do ANYTHING.  I AVOID.
  • My self-image issues that have caused me to push people away (sexually, or otherwise)
  • My parenting style – My kids call me toxic and I guess I am.  I was simply trying to survive and maybe when they’re older, and have kids of their own, they’ll understand that it was more anxiety than toxicity.  They haven’t seen a truly toxic parent.
  • My inability to control my emotions – I guess there is an underlying layer of anger that is always silently lurking.  The slightest thing will set me off in a fit or in a crying mess.
  • Trying to find a man to be a father to my kids and a suitable partner for me.  – My upbringing left me thinking that no family is complete unless there is a MOM and a DAD.  By trying to find someone, my oldest daughter now has an unhealthy attachment to any older man who shows her any amount of attention.  It’s her story to tell, so I’ll leave it at that.  It also set a series of events in motion that destroyed me, my confidence, and my health in some ways.
  • That I expect so much out of people.  – I have to learn to accept that not everyone is going to place so much importance on things that I find unquestionably pivotal to character.  Things like honestly, loyalty, trust, integrity, commitment, ethics, manners, dependability, blah blah blah.
  • That I’m completely disorganized in one part of my life but OCD in others. – My bedroom is a disaster but my living room is cleaned up and organized.  Story of my life… tidy on the outside, fallout bomb shelter on the inside.
  • I AM UNABLE TO COMMUNICATE in a healthy and productive way. – I have so much anger and anxiety that the minute I try to discuss something that upsets me, I start shaking uncontrollably, crying, and get scatter brained trying to explain.  I then shut down because burying it is so much easier than facing it head on.  I always worry that my problems, issues, or anxieties aren’t important to anyone but me and no one cares.
  • That I’m a burden to my children.  Apparently they feel like they have to be my caretakers when my life is falling apart.  I don’t ask them to… I try to keep everything from them so they aren’t involved.  They tend to offer unwanted advice on subjects that they know very little about and I shut down because although I know they’re trying to help, I can’t listen to the nonsense when they’ve never lived any sort of real life at their young ages and don’t know even a small number of details that they are speaking to.

Most of these apologies were for me … not the person they were addressed to.  Forgiving myself is the first step to me moving on.  I have to forgive myself for creating this train wreck life.  I have to allow myself to grieve, feel the emotions and anger, and move on.

So… because I have such a horrible opinion of myself, I’ve deprived myself of joy.  I’ve said “no” to so many things because I didn’t feel like I deserved it.  There are so many others that are more worthy than I am and these efforts have always been passed while I would sit like a child on the playground, watching everyone else have fun and justify it in my brain with negative self-talk.

Now, my plan is to get my thoughts under control, my emotions in check, and my anger released.  I plan to say “HELL YES!” to a lot of things.  Whether I believe at the time that I should, or not, I’m going to say yes.  I’m going to enjoy moments (without over indulging) and people and activities if it kills me.

Even if I have to do things alone, I will do them.  Although finding motivation is a chore I hate (rating right up there with cleaning and laundry), I am going to force myself out of my comfort zone and maybe one of these “YES” moments will be the one thing that sets the planet back on its axis and continue spinning in sync with the rest of the population.

 

I give up.

Jul8

I am so exhausted trying to make everyone happy. Frankly, I’m exhausted by everything. I clearly have a personality flaw. So.. I guess I need to remove myself from all current situations (except work) and focus on being by myself and away from everyone.

Everyone expects me to see everything from their point of view but no one wants to tell me what their point of view is. I’m not a mind reader. And not one person has taken their own advice to look at my point of view.

I’m just done.

10 years in 2 parts

Jul3

Part 1.

I didn’t date much between 2006 and 2009.  I had drama and trauma in that time and dating wasn’t an option.  I also got my degree, got 2 jobs, met some amazing people, and bought a house.  There were so many exciting new things going on and when I started talking to Scott… I felt ready.  He was just coming out of a 19 year marriage.  My head said to stay away but he seemed so genuinely nice… So misunderstood..  I felt like I saw the real him more than anyone did so I gave it a whirl.  4ish years later, after a couple of break-ups, I finally just couldn’t do it anymore.  We had taken a vacation to Florida and after a couple of HIGH OCTANE SLUSHIES (quite possibly the devil of all adult frozen drinks), he introduced me to our bartender as his ex-wife.  HIS EX WIFE!!!  AFTER 4 YEARS!  Really?  I realized that things weren’t getting better, we weren’t moving forward, so I broke it off.  He had been dragging me down with his constant negativity for years and when I realized that I wasn’t even on his mind, it was time to go.  His reaction to that was to tell me that he had bought me a promise ring.  Not an engagement ring, but the promise of an engagement at some point.

ARE WE IN FUCKING HIGH SCHOOL?

Needless to say… moving on!

We still had a connection though, because my daughter (who considered him “dad”) was now out of high school and pregnant.  He was now going to be “Grumpy” to a tiny tot and I cared enough about him that I wasn’t going to take that from him.  We did go on one more vacation together in 2014 but by the time we returned, it was clear that things had changed.

We’re still friends to this day, he’s still “Grumpy” to our little grumpy grandson, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I did waste almost 5 years on this though and realized that I needed certain qualities in a partner that he just couldn’t give me and had no intentions of giving me.  Divorce left him very bitter when she took half of everything.  I don’t blame him at all for that but instead of trying to focus on us and making a happy life, he was always so unhappy about everything.  My kids could do nothing right in his eyes… he had no intimate desires towards me.. I felt more like a roommate most days who just annoyed the shit out of him.

Part 2.

Enter stage right… high school sweetheart out of the blue.  Whirlwind love affair and I’d never been so happy in my life.  Even when it ended, I had no idea we were even in trouble except that nagging feeling again that we weren’t moving forward and all I wanted to do was marry him and live the rest of my life loving him.  He, too, was divorced, bitter and angry after losing half of everything.  Made no difference to him that I didn’t need him or want anything from him except his heart… Any mention of marriage or a future were met with sarcastic comments or flat out refusal.. usually in front of friends and family who also wondered why we weren’t getting married.  I always got the “NEVER again” speech.

I kept hoping that if I waited patiently, proved my worth and that all I wanted to do was be with him, that he’d eventually realize my benefit to his life and at least take some step.  Buy a house, move in together, even stop short of marriage but do a commitment ceremony (I was willing to settle… pathetic).

Knowing that our 5 year anniversary was quickly approaching, I was already prepared to have the talk at some point… We either needed to move forward together or split.  I STRUGGLED with this because I did NOT want to lose the love of my life.

Little did I know that behind the scenes, he was already planning an escape.  I literally did NOT see it coming.  I knew something was up because he had been acting funny for months.  Made excuses not to come see me (he lives over an hour away), the morning, evening, and random text messages stopped, every plan I tried to make with him was met with “I can’t afford to” or something similar… Odd… since he just bought a new Harley.   I was so blinded by my absolute adoration for him that when it all fell apart, BLINDSIDED took on a WHOLE NEW MEANING!  That bus literally came out of nowhere.  Yes, I basically forced it, but in my heart I had hoped that I meant as much to him as he did to me.  Boy… was I completely off the reservation!  He quickly took the out and was gone.  No explanation, no conversation, no argument, nothing.   Gone.  And with spite and venom that I was not prepared for.

Out of both of these situations, I was settling.  I should’ve gotten out within the first 2 years of both of these relationships when it was clear that things were not moving in a forward motion.  This is not a mistake I will make again.  I refuse to waste any more time trying to make someone else happy by letting my own happiness take a back seat.  The minute that I have that “moment” I need to leave.  I had it with both of them.  That moment when something mundane is said (mundane to them) that is the pivot …  the “AH HA!” moment.  I will never ignore those moments again.   I can, to this day, pinpoint each moment with each of them.  March 2011 with Scott and summer of 2015 with Jim.  Both times I struggled with “Do I stick around?  He’s amazing!  He treats me well.  Can I live with never having my happily ever after?”  NEVER AGAIN!

I don’t NEED anyone.  No one.  Not financially or otherwise.  I have raised my kids alone, I take care of myself, and take care of whomever is in my life.  I do however WANT someone in my life.  I don’t want to be alone.  I want to share a life with someone.   Right now, I’m dealing with the negative talk of “What was it that was missing from me that contributed to the failure of these relationships.”  Which is dumb.  I gave until I could give no more and in both instances, became complacent when it was met with no effort or meaningful contribution from them.

So here I am.  Now what?  Dating seems so stupid and such a waste of time at this point.  I have very few friends left from all of this bullshit and drama the last year.  My kids are busy with their own lives.  Here I am.  Stuck.   Miserable.  Alone.  Wishing to turn back time but knowing it wouldn’t change anything.

Time to start over.  AGAIN.  I don’t have the time to waste on 10 more years, 5 more years, or even 2 more years with someone who isn’t going towards the same goals or ANY goal for that matter.  What to do… what to do.

 

Death would be so much easier.

Jul2

NOT MINE!

This past weekend was harder than most.  It did, however, bring about the thought:

“Losing all of these people in my life over the last year would be so much easier to grieve and recover from if they had died.”

I don’t mean that maliciously.  I simply mean that death has never really been hard for me to get over.  I can rationalize the death and the absence.  Sure, I miss them, but I know that there was an “ending”.

Losing 6 people in one year, friendship, relationships, etc… and all of them having moved on without a care in the world as to the void they left me with, has taken a horrible toll.  Every single day I cry.  I rarely cry.  I’m not a crier.  For me to admit that I have done nothing but cry for over 2 months is embarrassing and ridiculous.

My favorite holiday is this week (Independence Day/July 4th) and I’ve sworn off any and all celebrating because even when it’s a good year, I cry during the fireworks (patriotism, family, and fireworks move me in amazing ways).  I can’t watch them this year and be involved in events because it takes me back to some point over the last 5 years.  Honestly, if I looked back, he made every effort to ruin that day for me either by starting an argument or giving me attitude because I wanted to go and enjoy the holiday amongst friends and family and his idea of fun was sitting at home and drinking the day away while he obsessed over some piece of meat on his fancy smoker.  Or .. getting drunk in front of my family and making a fool of himself.

I really want to jump a week so that I can avoid all of this.  I really want to go a day without crying.  I really just want to be happy again.  I know I’m the only one that can make that happen but I’m stuck in a cycle of negative talk in my head (that I’m trying to fix) and constant reminders of what was and what was lost.

I want to burn everything, sell everything, and leave everything on a daily basis.  None of this will help except maybe leaving and starting a new life somewhere.  What good is that if I’m miserable when I get there?!!!

I am supposed to find out, today, whether I get to move for my job and while wallowing over the weekend I made a decision that no matter what.. I’m moving out of Ohio ASAP.  There is nothing left for me here.  I can always come back and visit.. I just can’t be here.  I’ve lived here my whole life and hated most of it.  I will either be moving to the mountains of Denver or maybe the beaches of southern Florida or Georgia (although each are staunch conservative states and I’m so far off the radar …not sure these are good places for me either).  Denver seems like the more reasonable route, but… we’ll see.  Should know in about an hour.

I almost wonder if a funeral isn’t a viable idea.  Build each of them their own little caskets of memories and either bury them or burn them.  Formally say goodbye and maybe my brain can remap the loss as a permanent death, instead of death by absence of sight.  I have to do something.  Soon.  I’ve wasted too much time on this and I just want to move to a happier place.  Figuratively and literally.