Archive | July 2019

I give up.

I am so exhausted trying to make everyone happy. Frankly, I’m exhausted by everything. I clearly have a personality flaw. So.. I guess I need to remove myself from all current situations (except work) and focus on being by myself and away from everyone.

Everyone expects me to see everything from their point of view but no one wants to tell me what their point of view is. I’m not a mind reader. And not one person has taken their own advice to look at my point of view.

I’m just done.

10 years in 2 parts

Part 1.

I didn’t date much between 2006 and 2009.  I had drama and trauma in that time and dating wasn’t an option.  I also got my degree, got 2 jobs, met some amazing people, and bought a house.  There were so many exciting new things going on and when I started talking to Scott… I felt ready.  He was just coming out of a 19 year marriage.  My head said to stay away but he seemed so genuinely nice… So misunderstood..  I felt like I saw the real him more than anyone did so I gave it a whirl.  4ish years later, after a couple of break-ups, I finally just couldn’t do it anymore.  We had taken a vacation to Florida and after a couple of HIGH OCTANE SLUSHIES (quite possibly the devil of all adult frozen drinks), he introduced me to our bartender as his ex-wife.  HIS EX WIFE!!!  AFTER 4 YEARS!  Really?  I realized that things weren’t getting better, we weren’t moving forward, so I broke it off.  He had been dragging me down with his constant negativity for years and when I realized that I wasn’t even on his mind, it was time to go.  His reaction to that was to tell me that he had bought me a promise ring.  Not an engagement ring, but the promise of an engagement at some point.

ARE WE IN FUCKING HIGH SCHOOL?

Needless to say… moving on!

We still had a connection though, because my daughter (who considered him “dad”) was now out of high school and pregnant.  He was now going to be “Grumpy” to a tiny tot and I cared enough about him that I wasn’t going to take that from him.  We did go on one more vacation together in 2014 but by the time we returned, it was clear that things had changed.

We’re still friends to this day, he’s still “Grumpy” to our little grumpy grandson, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I did waste almost 5 years on this though and realized that I needed certain qualities in a partner that he just couldn’t give me and had no intentions of giving me.  Divorce left him very bitter when she took half of everything.  I don’t blame him at all for that but instead of trying to focus on us and making a happy life, he was always so unhappy about everything.  My kids could do nothing right in his eyes… he had no intimate desires towards me.. I felt more like a roommate most days who just annoyed the shit out of him.

Part 2.

Enter stage right… high school sweetheart out of the blue.  Whirlwind love affair and I’d never been so happy in my life.  Even when it ended, I had no idea we were even in trouble except that nagging feeling again that we weren’t moving forward and all I wanted to do was marry him and live the rest of my life loving him.  He, too, was divorced, bitter and angry after losing half of everything.  Made no difference to him that I didn’t need him or want anything from him except his heart… Any mention of marriage or a future were met with sarcastic comments or flat out refusal.. usually in front of friends and family who also wondered why we weren’t getting married.  I always got the “NEVER again” speech.

I kept hoping that if I waited patiently, proved my worth and that all I wanted to do was be with him, that he’d eventually realize my benefit to his life and at least take some step.  Buy a house, move in together, even stop short of marriage but do a commitment ceremony (I was willing to settle… pathetic).

Knowing that our 5 year anniversary was quickly approaching, I was already prepared to have the talk at some point… We either needed to move forward together or split.  I STRUGGLED with this because I did NOT want to lose the love of my life.

Little did I know that behind the scenes, he was already planning an escape.  I literally did NOT see it coming.  I knew something was up because he had been acting funny for months.  Made excuses not to come see me (he lives over an hour away), the morning, evening, and random text messages stopped, every plan I tried to make with him was met with “I can’t afford to” or something similar… Odd… since he just bought a new Harley.   I was so blinded by my absolute adoration for him that when it all fell apart, BLINDSIDED took on a WHOLE NEW MEANING!  That bus literally came out of nowhere.  Yes, I basically forced it, but in my heart I had hoped that I meant as much to him as he did to me.  Boy… was I completely off the reservation!  He quickly took the out and was gone.  No explanation, no conversation, no argument, nothing.   Gone.  And with spite and venom that I was not prepared for.

Out of both of these situations, I was settling.  I should’ve gotten out within the first 2 years of both of these relationships when it was clear that things were not moving in a forward motion.  This is not a mistake I will make again.  I refuse to waste any more time trying to make someone else happy by letting my own happiness take a back seat.  The minute that I have that “moment” I need to leave.  I had it with both of them.  That moment when something mundane is said (mundane to them) that is the pivot …  the “AH HA!” moment.  I will never ignore those moments again.   I can, to this day, pinpoint each moment with each of them.  March 2011 with Scott and summer of 2015 with Jim.  Both times I struggled with “Do I stick around?  He’s amazing!  He treats me well.  Can I live with never having my happily ever after?”  NEVER AGAIN!

I don’t NEED anyone.  No one.  Not financially or otherwise.  I have raised my kids alone, I take care of myself, and take care of whomever is in my life.  I do however WANT someone in my life.  I don’t want to be alone.  I want to share a life with someone.   Right now, I’m dealing with the negative talk of “What was it that was missing from me that contributed to the failure of these relationships.”  Which is dumb.  I gave until I could give no more and in both instances, became complacent when it was met with no effort or meaningful contribution from them.

So here I am.  Now what?  Dating seems so stupid and such a waste of time at this point.  I have very few friends left from all of this bullshit and drama the last year.  My kids are busy with their own lives.  Here I am.  Stuck.   Miserable.  Alone.  Wishing to turn back time but knowing it wouldn’t change anything.

Time to start over.  AGAIN.  I don’t have the time to waste on 10 more years, 5 more years, or even 2 more years with someone who isn’t going towards the same goals or ANY goal for that matter.  What to do… what to do.

 

Death would be so much easier.

NOT MINE!

This past weekend was harder than most.  It did, however, bring about the thought:

“Losing all of these people in my life over the last year would be so much easier to grieve and recover from if they had died.”

I don’t mean that maliciously.  I simply mean that death has never really been hard for me to get over.  I can rationalize the death and the absence.  Sure, I miss them, but I know that there was an “ending”.

Losing 6 people in one year, friendship, relationships, etc… and all of them having moved on without a care in the world as to the void they left me with, has taken a horrible toll.  Every single day I cry.  I rarely cry.  I’m not a crier.  For me to admit that I have done nothing but cry for over 2 months is embarrassing and ridiculous.

My favorite holiday is this week (Independence Day/July 4th) and I’ve sworn off any and all celebrating because even when it’s a good year, I cry during the fireworks (patriotism, family, and fireworks move me in amazing ways).  I can’t watch them this year and be involved in events because it takes me back to some point over the last 5 years.  Honestly, if I looked back, he made every effort to ruin that day for me either by starting an argument or giving me attitude because I wanted to go and enjoy the holiday amongst friends and family and his idea of fun was sitting at home and drinking the day away while he obsessed over some piece of meat on his fancy smoker.  Or .. getting drunk in front of my family and making a fool of himself.

I really want to jump a week so that I can avoid all of this.  I really want to go a day without crying.  I really just want to be happy again.  I know I’m the only one that can make that happen but I’m stuck in a cycle of negative talk in my head (that I’m trying to fix) and constant reminders of what was and what was lost.

I want to burn everything, sell everything, and leave everything on a daily basis.  None of this will help except maybe leaving and starting a new life somewhere.  What good is that if I’m miserable when I get there?!!!

I am supposed to find out, today, whether I get to move for my job and while wallowing over the weekend I made a decision that no matter what.. I’m moving out of Ohio ASAP.  There is nothing left for me here.  I can always come back and visit.. I just can’t be here.  I’ve lived here my whole life and hated most of it.  I will either be moving to the mountains of Denver or maybe the beaches of southern Florida or Georgia (although each are staunch conservative states and I’m so far off the radar …not sure these are good places for me either).  Denver seems like the more reasonable route, but… we’ll see.  Should know in about an hour.

I almost wonder if a funeral isn’t a viable idea.  Build each of them their own little caskets of memories and either bury them or burn them.  Formally say goodbye and maybe my brain can remap the loss as a permanent death, instead of death by absence of sight.  I have to do something.  Soon.  I’ve wasted too much time on this and I just want to move to a happier place.  Figuratively and literally.