Most of my time, energy, and effort is spent on what other people think. I deny myself the simplest of pleasures or gestures because I’m worried about how I will look to someone else or what everyone will think if they ever found out.
I chose to say “yes” a few days ago to do something that no one in my life would understand. Maybe I shouldn’t have… but honestly I had a great day and an amazing time. I was so sick of denying myself joy that I decided that the backlash or bad Karma was worth it. I probably have a load of sh*t coming my way.
Here’s my understanding with Karma.. if it’s small, it’s instant Karma for me. If it’s huge, Karma waits until I’m comfy and then drops it all on me at once. Queue my breakup in April. I’m sure it was some kind of Karma that I earned at some point and was likely related to my day of “yes” (more about the person I shared the day with than the actual day itself).
I’ve given a number of apologies the last couple of weeks. Trying to own my participation in the train wreck that is my life these days. Ironically, it helped. Here are some of the things that I’ve apologized for:
- My debilitating anxiety that makes it appear to outsiders that I’m lazy. – What it really is? I get so incredibly overwhelmed that I shut down. I don’t do ANYTHING. I AVOID.
- My self-image issues that have caused me to push people away (sexually, or otherwise)
- My parenting style – My kids call me toxic and I guess I am. I was simply trying to survive and maybe when they’re older, and have kids of their own, they’ll understand that it was more anxiety than toxicity. They haven’t seen a truly toxic parent.
- My inability to control my emotions – I guess there is an underlying layer of anger that is always silently lurking. The slightest thing will set me off in a fit or in a crying mess.
- Trying to find a man to be a father to my kids and a suitable partner for me. – My upbringing left me thinking that no family is complete unless there is a MOM and a DAD. By trying to find someone, my oldest daughter now has an unhealthy attachment to any older man who shows her any amount of attention. It’s her story to tell, so I’ll leave it at that. It also set a series of events in motion that destroyed me, my confidence, and my health in some ways.
- That I expect so much out of people. – I have to learn to accept that not everyone is going to place so much importance on things that I find unquestionably pivotal to character. Things like honestly, loyalty, trust, integrity, commitment, ethics, manners, dependability, blah blah blah.
- That I’m completely disorganized in one part of my life but OCD in others. – My bedroom is a disaster but my living room is cleaned up and organized. Story of my life… tidy on the outside, fallout bomb shelter on the inside.
- I AM UNABLE TO COMMUNICATE in a healthy and productive way. – I have so much anger and anxiety that the minute I try to discuss something that upsets me, I start shaking uncontrollably, crying, and get scatter brained trying to explain. I then shut down because burying it is so much easier than facing it head on. I always worry that my problems, issues, or anxieties aren’t important to anyone but me and no one cares.
- That I’m a burden to my children. Apparently they feel like they have to be my caretakers when my life is falling apart. I don’t ask them to… I try to keep everything from them so they aren’t involved. They tend to offer unwanted advice on subjects that they know very little about and I shut down because although I know they’re trying to help, I can’t listen to the nonsense when they’ve never lived any sort of real life at their young ages and don’t know even a small number of details that they are speaking to.
Most of these apologies were for me … not the person they were addressed to. Forgiving myself is the first step to me moving on. I have to forgive myself for creating this train wreck life. I have to allow myself to grieve, feel the emotions and anger, and move on.
So… because I have such a horrible opinion of myself, I’ve deprived myself of joy. I’ve said “no” to so many things because I didn’t feel like I deserved it. There are so many others that are more worthy than I am and these efforts have always been passed while I would sit like a child on the playground, watching everyone else have fun and justify it in my brain with negative self-talk.
Now, my plan is to get my thoughts under control, my emotions in check, and my anger released. I plan to say “HELL YES!” to a lot of things. Whether I believe at the time that I should, or not, I’m going to say yes. I’m going to enjoy moments (without over indulging) and people and activities if it kills me.
Even if I have to do things alone, I will do them. Although finding motivation is a chore I hate (rating right up there with cleaning and laundry), I am going to force myself out of my comfort zone and maybe one of these “YES” moments will be the one thing that sets the planet back on its axis and continue spinning in sync with the rest of the population.