Holy Narcissism, Batman!

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It should’ve been evident to me when he broke up with me the first time because I didn’t compliment him on his jeans after he did his GIRL TWIRL in the kitchen… but nope!  My blind ass has fed the ego for years and didn’t even know it.

When I stopped… he stopped “loving” me.  I knew he was someone that relied heavily on compliments and accolades, so I dripped them all over him when I could muster the energy.   He would do the smallest things and launch it into some grande display that he wanted me to pat him on the back for until I wanted to puke.

I quickly started to resent this side of him.  There were never accolades, compliments, cheering, or announcements of grandeur when I did anything, but let me miss some small effort like him taking out the trash and the world would end.

I guess I’ve gotten so used to being my own cheerleader that I have little patience for the people in my life who require that I stroke their ego on the regular…  I’d rather stroke the medulla oblongata  of an angry alligator!
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Unfortunately, I’ve now come to a realization that I’ve wasted 5 years on someone who simply was using me as a “helium tank to inflate their sense of self”… Looking back, I seem to attract these people pretty often.  My screening process needs to tighten up some details.  IMMEDIATELY!

Bells on!

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Seems that doors are opening and opportunities are arising!!  I genuinely hope the next year evolves enough so that I can move, start a new life, and a new position in my company.  No need to stick around here.  There’s nothing here for me anymore, short of my daughter, grandson, sister, and her family.  I can always come back!

Time to take my crazy train west!

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Crumbs

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When it comes to the relationships in my life, I mostly feel like a baker… I prepare the goods, on demand, in the quantities needed, at the right temperature, and freshness guaranteed.   You want a 7 layer cake with a different filling/frosting on each layer?  Got it… you want a unicorn on top that shits sprinkles ??  No problem!  Nothing too big or too small is out of question.

Unfortunately, that mentality sometimes attracts the shittiest of people in my life.  People who “take” repeatedly but aren’t willing to “give” when the time comes.  Most of the time, I make excuses for these people and simply remember that the only person that I can ever truly depend on is me.  There are a few exceptions to this, like anything else…

I’ve recently ( in the past year ) decided to start sticking up for myself and ridding my life of the gluttons who only want to give me crumbs but expect me to be at their beckon call.  My circle of friends is so incredibly small these days.  Real friends have always been such a foreign concept to me.  I’ve never been good at making them or keeping them.  It takes a special kind of person to be able to tolerate me, I know, but I don’t ask for much from anyone.

Having such a small circle of friends, and those friends living far away, presents a level of loneliness that is so overwhelming and glaringly unavoidable that the last several months have been nearly unbearable.  It’s getting worse by the day so I’m having to face that there’s clearly something wrong with me or how I perceive “friendship”.  All relationships for that matter.  I don’t speak to anyone in my family except my sister…

Looking inward when you’ve never really had a high self-esteem is the worst.  You pick apart every single detail of every interaction to find the point in which you blew it.  Regardless if the relationship ending was your fault at all, you’ll find one little speck of pepper in a bowl of sugar and convince yourself that THAT ONE MOMENT.. THAT ONE COMMENT.. THAT ONE ACTION… THAT ONE PERSON (YOU) are to blame.   YOU are the common denominator.

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So what is my problem?  How do I fix it?

The healing has started

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Getting closer to acceptance and moving on every day.  I have to remind myself that I loved him.  I still love him and will probably always love him (or the “him” in my mind that clearly didn’t exist).

I have to remind myself that if he truly loved me, he would’ve stuck around and tried to work on it instead of up and just leaving without any dialogue.  He never communicated with me about real things.  I’m not psychic.  Although I have a higher sensitivity to things, I can read minds.

I know my heart, what it’s capable of, what it wants, and what it needs.  I never seemed to know any of this with him.  He always kept me close enough but still at arms length.  I’ve begun to realize that I was simply a hobby..  something for him to fill the time when he didn’t have something else to do.  I just always seemed to “feel” that he loved me.  I never questioned it.  Maybe I should’ve a lot sooner.

He’s going to wake up one day and realize what I was willing to give him.  I hope he looks back fondly … and then stays the fuck away from me.   I will remember all of this and the treatment he has given me just in the past week.  I forgive him but I’m not stupid enough to ever go back.

Now, I just need to be able to live my life daily without crying over him, the memories, or the loss.  It’s going to be fine.  Everything is going to be fine.

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Guys who send grown women to fight their battles…

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As if the last week hasn’t been enough… Jim decided to send his little girlfriends to fight his battles for him.  Grown woman approaches me in public at an establishment and tells me we need to go outside.  LOL

Bitch.  I am not playing these bullshit high school games with you.  Take your ass outside by yourself.  We’ve got nothing to discuss but please… continue to make a fool of yourself.  You’re trash.  He’s trash.  Any of you involved in this that want to get in my face again are trash.  GROW UP.

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This nonsense continued into midnight last night with yet another grown assed woman starting in … I haven’t slept much in the last week.  I didn’t sleep at all last night.

I used to be a third party collector.  A good one.  Part of why I was so good is that I document and save EVERYTHING..  If it’s not in writing, it didn’t happen.  I have every single email, text message, instant message, conversation, etc from ALL of the assholes in this.  Not one of them is going to try and convince anyone that I’m the bad guy in any of this.

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The worst part is the way that he now speaks to me.  Just over a week ago it was “I love you”, “I miss you”, “Goodnight/Good morning, my love” etc… now..

Classy, huh?  Still have no idea what I did to bring all of this on.  This particular message was prompted after I sent the bitch above an email that I sent him on Monday (out of nowhere, I had this overwhelming urge to send an email clarifying that I didn’t mean to imply that he was cheating on me with her specifically) because part of what she was yelling about was nothing close to anything I had said to him or her at any point…  She forwarded my message, telling her to get her facts straight and that he was playing both of us…

All I’ve ever done is love these people and in the blink of an eye, they’ve all turned on me.  I started to think I was crazy..  maybe I’m either imagining this or I’ve lost grasp on reality.  But I keep going back to look at everything and I’m still lost.  At this point, any thread of hope that I had that we would ever work this out has been cut with a pair of tailor’s sheers!

Folks need to remember that Karma never forgets an address.  All of them will get their due one day.  I won’t be around to witness it but it will happen.  I keep trying to get out of all of this but they keep dragging me back in.  After last night, I’m hoping this is officially done and I can move on.

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Pain and grief is so lonely.

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It’s tough to go through a loss alone.  No one to talk to.  No one that understands.  No one that can fix it.  No one that can make the pain and heartache go away.

It’s been one week.  Literally to the minute.  He has erased me from him world.  I’m still not even sure what I did that was so horrible that erasing me in one week was so easy for him.

I’m not trying to be the psycho in this.  I’m trying to stay away.  I keep having to remind myself.. HE DOESN”T WANT YOU!

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The lack of answers is probably what hurts most.  The guessing and the filling in of the blanks takes a close second.

WOW!  Text from my sister of him with another woman already.  A MUTUAL FRIEND.  okay.  So..  that made me want to vomit.

I have literally sat here, jaw dropped, for half an hour.  DID NOT SEE THAT COMING!

The look on his face in the picture… I know every look on his face.  Every expression.  Every nuance.  He’s been involved with her for awhile.  He’s a smitten kitten right now.

This is going to have to serve as therapy.

Well..  My life has spun out of control and during the rinse cycle, I’ve lost most of my “friend” base.

I have the SHITTIEST taste in friends.  Growing up, I was told that I was too gullible and trusted people too easily.  That is true.  But it’s who I am.  Unfortunately, not everyone else is like that.

I’ve realized that there is no loyalty in relationships anymore.  Everyone has a “what’s in it for me?” attitude.   I’m loyal to a fault.  If you screw over someone I love,  you might as well be screwing me over too.  If you disrespect them, you disrespect me.  There’s very little coming back from that when it comes to me.  Once I’m done with you… I’m done.

I’ve had issues with one “friend” who owed me money.  Nothing but nonsense getting it back… it’s not $20… I’d have written that off… this was almost a thousand dollars.  In today’s day and age, there are so many avenues to pay someone their due.  This friend isn’t hurting for money in any way, shape, or form, they’re simply acting like as asshole out of their loyalty to someone else… *You didn’t think this was going to be a simple story, did you?*

August of 2018, some asshole walked up to me at a local establishment, sat down next to me, clearly inebriated and said “Where’s my drink, whore?”

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  It’s on!  Fool, we’ ain’t friends like that!  AT ALL!  I was raised that you don’t call women cheap names.  Even if they deserve it and especially to their face.

I stewed.  For 3 hours I stewed.  The bartender, being a good friend and basically family (we’ve done vacations, holidays, road trips, etc) listened to me lose my mind over this and I made it clear I wouldn’t say anything because he was drunk and with all of his work friends.  2 tequila shots later, talking to my best pal, texting Jim, etc… I called him over to me (liquid courage).  In a nutshell, I explained that we weren’t that kind of friends, not to call me that ever again, and if it did happen again, there would be a throat punch involved.  Either from me or Jim.

He told me I was drunk and walked away.  I wasn’t letting it go.. .”Come back, ya pussy, and own up to what you said!”  He, at no point, made any effort to apologize.  I suppose I shouldn’t have expected it from him, as drunk as he was and barely capable of standing up.

The bartender walked by about 10 minutes later and was cleaning tables and politely asked me not to do that again, which I promptly apologized for and promised it would never happen again.  She then set the series of events that now have me with no friends, no boyfriend, and looking around wondering how I’m the bad guy.  She looked at me and said “You didn’t have to call him a pussy in front of 6 guys!”

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She was more concerned with his ego than standing up for what was right.  I promptly left.  I managed to leave my keys so I had to text my friend to bring them to me and she followed out behind with asshole in tow.  She wanted to get into some conversation about how he was just trying to apologize and I lost my mind… NOPE!  Didn’t happen!  Bye Felicia!

At this point, all friendship with her is now destroyed.  Any future plans/vacations that involve her, I’m backing out of.  I just want out of all of it.  I distanced myself from everyone so I didn’t put anyone in the middle.  SHE on the other hand had all kinds of fun involving everyone so now I’m the bad guy to everyone.

I had paid a mutual friend money for a trip to Cuba.  A trip I really didn’t want to go on and will end up backing out of twice.  The first time because of the bartender (didn’t know she wasn’t going) and the second time because all in all, it was not going to be a cheap vacation.  I backed out MONTHS in advance.  Which left plenty of time for others to take our spot and her to give me my money back.

It’s now almost May.  I’ve been told that the money wouldn’t go through, that they were busy and couldn’t meet with me, that they’d have it to me by last week, and then “I’ll call you later this afternoon”… at 7 pm with no phone call or update I officially threw my hands up and gave up.  She could give the money to Jim (whom she still had a very vibrant relationship with behind the scenes).  But then I realized… that would be putting him in the middle and after I realized it, I just told him to forget it.

Then I threw an ultimatum.

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Choose the friends who were shitting on me on a regular basis… or choose me.  Well.. that went over like a fart in church.  The following morning, after working 12 hours, he drove an hour and a half to my house to get the remnants of whatever he had left there and was gone within 45 minutes.

No conversation.  No fight.  No .. nothing!  Just a “Wow.  Fine” and he was gone.

So here I am.  Reeling from losing the one person on the planet that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with (although he had no intentions of marrying me). canceling his involvement in our vacation in 2 weeks, getting my house in order, and trying to maintain some level of sanity and dignity.  I’m failing miserably.

I have to vent here because I refuse to be on social media right now.  I have very few friends and they don’t want to listen to my bullshit.  I refuse to go to a therapist (although I probably should address the fact that I push everyone away eventually).  I’m actually sick of myself at this point.

I have so much verbal vomit just piled up inside and I have to put it somewhere.  I remembered that I had this  blog and realized it’s better for me to put everything here.. where no one will see it, or give a shit, or criticize, or blow me off (if you’re still reading this, thank you so much.. now.. go drink!  You deserve it)