Archives

Zigged when I should’ve Zagged…story of my life.

In this world of COVID, where most of our connections are online, things can easily be misinterpreted.

I’m not a great communicator at all but I try to keep conversations light, humorous (when appropriate), and easily flowing. The people who don’t keep the conversation moving are starting to piss me off. Don’t waste my time interrupting my day with a starter statement and then disappear for hours or days. I will easily blow you off in my very passive aggressive way. LOL I seriously do not have the patience to chase someone… For anything.

A conversation this last week was going so well, but at some point I went left and they went right… probably the second time it’s happened with this person. I have realized, since then, that I just don’t have the time or patience for this asshole. So many things that I say, or send to them, get a “Shrug” emoticon, or an “eye roll”… or just belittled in such a way that takes me back to a place I don’t want to be. I specifically asked if they ever NOT send something like that and was told that they don’t use it that often, but some need it more than others. I am not in a place to be trying to impress anyone or flatter their ego. I’m done with that. If you’re not bringing something to the table… kindly fuck off. “Namastaythefuckoverthere”

I tried to send a funny filtered Monday photo from Snapchat and they said “I had to delete that. It freaked me out!” They accidentally butt Face Timed me one day and quickly said “Let’s not do that again, I can’t stand that”… How do they have a conversation in person? What are they hiding? What freaks them out about being funny or seeing someone’s face? I’m not a troll! I’ll admit I have my days but c’mon… we all have them.

After the zig zag conversation last week, they sent me a video from YouTube of Shinedown’s “Monsters”… The words to that did not sit well with me. We have traded off songs for a few weeks and this one was clearly a message… Needless to say, there was a bit of attitude and 2 middle fingers when I responded with “???”… I got back a shrug and “We all have monsters”. Oh…. okay. Whatever… another double finger!

Needless to say, I won’t be reaching out to them ever again. I’ll be polite when they send some amazing photos where they live, but that’s the extent of it. There are so many people in my life that don’t make me feel like I’m stupid, useless, worthless, and a waste of space. I’ve gotten rid of those people in my life and I’ll just add this person to the list.

It’s too cold for zigging and zagging. Maybe when it warms up.. but no time soon. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

Couples Therapy

Oh, don’t get it twisted… I’m still “Super Single”…. I say that like it makes me a super hero, I have a cape and everything!

I went to bed relatively early last night, with the same intent as every other night during the winter months… “I am so tired, let’s go to bed early and get a FULL night of sleep”. THEN! Showtime on Demand happened and I stumbled across Couples Therapy … I was simply looking for something mind numbing enough (sorta like Dateline) to listen to while I fell asleep. Why not music? Maybe go read my previous blog about music LOL

I genuinely thought this was an acted “Drama”… I was too far away from the TV to see the fine print of the description (let’s face it, that was a polite way of saying that I’m going blind). Five episodes in and I’m officially hooked and now reflecting on my own life and my own issues.

Needless to say, I had to force myself to turn it to something else that ultimately did nothing to help either. My mind raced about so many things and the number of rabbit holes that I went down in my psyche kept me awake most of the night. There may have been a singular tear. JUST ONE!

I then tried to tuck all of that away in a tiny box in the back of my brain. Not one of those tiny Amazon boxes that they put a tube of mascara in, with 4 giant pieces of bubble wrap and a smile on the outside. Nope… more like that beat up box from USPS that has 43 things that you ordered off of WISH while bored and having had too much tequila!

I’ll get back to that box the next time I move, I suppose.

Music as therapy

Music has never been my thing.. *gasp* What? Music is everyone’s thing! Nope .. .Not me. I know songs, not singers/bands etc. Annoys everyone I know. BUT!!! There are certain artists and songs that will take me back. Some will cause immediate tears. RARELY! Because.. I DON’T CRY!

Today it was “Adore” by Prince.

Immediately the tears started flowing.

Before that it was “The Most Beautiful Girl in the World” – This one reminds me of my ex-husband and the good days. The Friday DJ Nights. Ron Rico Rum, Coke, Lime and Prince songs. He made me a mix tape (don’t judge me… this was 23 years ago!) at one point and this song always got me. I wish I knew where that tape was. I’d love to listen to it one last time. Where is that tape player? LOL

Prince had such a way with words… and sex, apparently.

Why am I just hearing “Call my name” today? I’ve never heard that one and I thought I had heard almost all of them. Great song for a man to his wife (hint hint fellas!)

There are songs in my life that will take me right back to a certain moment in life. Good and bad. Probably why I rarely listen to some songs. The tears start and I can’t stop them. Then I start thinking… and that’s never a good thing. Adore was that song today and although it had nothing to do with that person, it made me think of them and now I’m trying to recover my day with something far more happy.

DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON NICKELBACK! Shitty band but fitting for my life at the time. Wilson Phillips too..

Time to play the Trolls soundtrack or something. I have a weekend to enjoy!

Tick Tock Tick Tock

The last couple of years have been nonsense. I genuinely need 2021 to get it together and ready for my arrival. 2020 brought a lot of growth, blessings, and a LOT of time to reflect and learn. It also brought a new life and some visibility into what I can accomplish with just a positive outlook. So many changes this year and most of it just because I “wanted” it and set an intention. Who knew?

UNIVERSE: Can I get those winning lottery numbers? Could really use a nice house up IN the mountains and away from even more people. (I’m aware I contradict myself a lot.. it’s part of my charm!)

I never leave the house. You would think that I would blog more, but honestly, I’m so damn bored, I wouldn’t have anything to blog about… “Watched the mop water dry on the floor today.” ” It snowed… AGAIN!” “COVID is still ruining my social life!”

I leave the house about once ever 3 weeks to a month. Once I’m back home, I panic for 2 weeks about the smallest sniffle. I can NOT get sick with COVID while living 2500 miles from my family. Big dog and little dog are missing opposable thumbs and no one else is going to take care of me. I would LOVE to get out more but I just can’t take the chance that some dumbass feels fine, doesn’t wear a mask, and spews his air phlegm all over me. I was never a people person before (I can be, but for the most part, humans piss me off) COVID and this whole “Stay at Home” nonsense just keeps me in my comfort zone. Not conducive to growing and meeting new people.

My home state is blowing up with “THE VID” at this point… where I live now is bad, but not like back home. As much as I would love visits from friends and family, I’d prefer they save their money for next year when I hope it’s a lot safer and mask free.

It gets dark here, super early. Seems earlier than when I lived back home. By the time 5pm rolls around, I’m ready for my jammies and bed. I feel like an old woman! Just missing some cats… but cats hate me. Counting down the days until the winter solstice when the sun will start it’s trend back upwards. Part of why I moved here was the sunlight. SO MUCH MORE OF IT. Rarely see a cloudy day here and I love it!

Today’s blog is so damn disorganized… my thoughts are basically scrapings from the bottom of the barrel to make my subscription to my website and this blog even worth it. Atleast I’m not whining about how depressed/single I am! Not that the single part has changed at all… but that depression stuff is under control (or I’m just getting better at hiding it from myself!).

Ugh, gonna go pretend to enjoy working. Not to say I’m not thankful for my job… so many out there are struggling to find work or are doing the hardest work that none of us would do…. So, gonna go make magic for someone and hope that good Karma keeps coming back around!

A good cry…

I’m NOT a cryer (crier?) – hold please while I Google. ** Turns out, either works, cryer is just the “archaic” version. *eye roll*

When it seems I’m in need of a good cry, the universe floods me with obstacles that overwhelm me and basically forces me to let the dam break.

Crying is exhausting. Feelings are exhausting. OVER IT!

The last few nights have been short in slumber but very vivid in dreams. This isn’t helping. My subconscious is breaking me down with dreams that break my heart. Or maybe it’s to wake me up that I still haven’t “dealt” with the things that I try to avoid.

One night, I dreamt that I was pregnant. OH HELL NO! NOPE! NO WAY! NOT A CHANCE! The next night hit a button that I’m eventually going to have to approach mentally, but I just don’t want to think about or even consider. Actually, the last two nights… The 2 most important men in my life over the last 20+ years, each filled me full of hope and then immediately turned around and married someone else. IN MY DREAMS! But it just hit a nerve that I’m not and never will be marriage material.

It’s a terrifying thought that I won’t have anyone to spend the rest of my life with. As humans, we are always looking for a connection and none of us want to die alone. I don’t want to be that terrifying woman in the neighborhood that is bitter and lonely and yelling at little kids to get off her lawn!

So. The question is.. which do I want more. Love or Companionship? I want both but overall, most people piss me off. I don’t even know what I want, so I guess it is what it is, right?

Why am I not marriage material? A few thoughts… I don’t demand appropriate treatment. I settle for what I get and hope that it gets better. I allow people to mistreat me daily and I don’t stand up for myself. I don’t feel like I’m worthy enough or important enough for love in my life. I don’t let my voice be heard. I let people shut me down when I try to speak my feelings or my truth but I will put my entire life on hold to listen to someone else. I see red flags and I help wave them instead of walking away when I know damn well that things are going to end badly. I disrespect myself and my dignity and allow others to do the same.

How do I fix it? How do I love myself? How do I believe I’m worthy? How do I set boundaries? How do I be at peace and accept this as my life? I thought uprooting my life and starting over would work but… as they say… No matter where you go… there you are.

Where’s the tissues?

The silence is unnerving!

The power went out at 2:45 am.  Brought me out of a dead sleep.  As I stumbled in the dark to the windows to confirm it was the whole neighborhood, and not just my house, I opened the windows to let some night breeze in.  It was COMPLETELY silent outside.

NOT A PEEP!  Nothing from a bird, no crickets, no cicadas, no cars, NOTHING!

You’d think the quiet would allow me to easily fall back asleep.  Instead, I laid there for an hour and a half waiting….  waiting for anything.  I couldn’t get back to sleep.  Silence makes me anxious.  This is why I sleep with a fan and a TV on!  If I’m left to my own thoughts and devices, just about anything can happen (if only in my head!)

The lists of things that I needed to get done started…  Beating myself up for some random stupid thing I said or did..  I tried to control my breathing but that just made the dog’s breathing and panting even louder.  I tried to focus on not focusing on anything… LOL Not sure how people meditate but it’s clear that I need to learn how to be in my own silence and be comfortable!

Once the power came back on, and the WIFI finally restored, all was well in my world and I was able to fall back to sleep for a solid hour before the alarm went off.  I was happy for the hour but a little bent about losing 2!

Now, I need a nap!

Loving life. Learning …

So, I’ve been in Colorado for over 3 months now.  Not that there is much to brag about… the whole state is under lock-down, essentially.  You can’t go anywhere without a mask and since I can’t breathe in them, I simply stay home for weeks at a time.  YUCK!

In staying home, I’ve had a lot of time to think, reflect, learn, grow.

It has occurred to me that my communication skills are non-existent.  They always have been, if I’m being honest.  I can communicate here, in writing, and in most other venues where the written word are appreciated.  However…  FACE to FACE or verbal communication is impossible for me sometimes.  I just don’t know how.  I don’t know “words”.  Words are hard  LOL

Growing up, if there were issues or problems or arguments, my family (on both sides) simply avoided communication entirely.  No phone calls, no visits, no conversations.  Just nothing.  So, as an adult, that’s what I do.  I shut down.  I thought everyone did it.  Seems a lot of people have a lot of feelings that they want to convey and I have no idea how to do that or what to do with theirs.  I always feel like I’m being attacked and on the defensive.  Mainly because if someone is sharing a feeling with me, it’s anger/frustration/jealousy/disappointment.

I don’t know what love is.  I don’t know how to show it (clearly what I thought was the right way, was COMPLETELY WRONG), receive it, process it, or even enjoy it!  What I have thought was love over the years was nothing more than manipulation, lies, bullshit, smoke and mirrors, and a fantasy.  I am 47 years old and literally flailing to survive “feelings”.

We live in a world where no one gives a shit about your feelings.  They want you to care about theirs, but the attention and devotion is not reciprocated.  As a result, WTF is the point in bothering?  Seriously?

I’m down to only one child speaking to me at this point and I think that’s out a sense of guilt or obligation.  My youngest has decided to have a relationship with my parents (whom I can’t speak to.. the toxicity they bring to my life is not worth sacrificing my self respect and happiness any longer ) and is now under “the spell”.  She has no idea what it was like being me in that household.  No one does and no one ever gave a shit to ask or understand.  Hopefully, she gets it one day and comes back… if not… 2 down, I got one left.  Hopefully, I don’t lose her too.  I wasn’t a perfect mom by any stretch of the imagination, but I tried my hardest to break the cycles and show my kids love every day.  Clearly, I failed.  But they are amazing young adults, so I didn’t fuck it up completely.  I am, however, the punching bag and source of their anger and pain lately and all I can do is apologize and own it.  No one wants explanations.  No one wants my side.  They just want to be heard.  I’ve lived my whole life in “defense” mode and have no idea how to navigate through this except to give them their space and wait.  I’m sure that’s the wrong approach too, and I’ll hear about that at some point, but I have no idea how else to react or respond to the situation.

Dating.  What a shit show.  I’m just not ready.  Simple conversations seem to be a chore for people.  Given the last 10 years … I’m over it!

OH!  UPDATE!  Guess who is engaged after telling me that they never wanted to get married again!  Yep!  basically a year after leaving me, ghosting me, and treating me like shit …  I find an “I said YES” post.  Good times.  I genuinely hope they live a long and happy life together.  It’s clear now that he is just as bad as my family –  in that, instead of communicating, he just cuts off all communication (always has) and then wants to blame me that there was no communication.  *eye roll and head shake*  Hopefully, he has grown up and can be a working partner in their relationship.

I thought that I had met someone that could eventually work its way to meeting in person etc.  Red flags already.  Not actively pursuing that any further.  People from my past keep crawling out of the woodwork lately… all married… thinking I want to be their side piece.  Two problems with that…  I am no longer in Ohio and I am not going to be the escape from their life and responsibilities and I’m also not going to be a named party in anyone’s divorce!

Other than all of this, Colorado is beautiful!  I can’t wait to explore more of it.  Abrupt ending, but I have another conference call… story of my life these days!

 

Been in new “HOME” for 2 weeks

I arrived in Colorado after a 30 hour trip across the country .. This is my new “home”.  I just wish my stuff would show up!

As with everything else in my life, there’s always so much drama to get to the good stuff.  The movers got delayed after I left town, and won’t even be back to my house to pack and load until the 29th.  I brought just enough stuff to get me through maybe a week… Needless to say, quarantine or not, I’m going to have to get to a laundromat soon.

I miss my “people” but I hadn’t seen anyone in weeks because of the “virus” and the stay in place orders.  There were no “GOODBYE” parties, or any kind of goodbyes for that matter.  That part really sucked.

WFH in Colorado is amazing,  though.  I’ve gotten up a few mornings to more than 10 inches or more of snow.  The beauty of it is amazing!  I haven’t seen snow in Ohio, on this level, in YEARS!  The hard part is that most of my team is online at a time when I’m sleeping.  The guilt is a little overwhelming, so I’m usually online by 6:30 and online for a very long day.  But with this COVID-19 thing, 60+ hour weeks are nothing ..  very exhausting.

In a few days, it will officially be a year since he left me.  It’s been a rough couple of days.  I feel like I’ve moved backwards in obsessively thinking about him and I fucking hate it.  He doesn’t give 2 shits about me, my feelings, my life, anything related to me… OH!  Except my daughter’s newest “adventure”.  I still have no desire to date anyone new, meet anyone, or entertain even so much as a flirtation.  So over everything related to being in a relationship.  They’ve never ended well and frankly it’s probably best that I just stay alone.  I’m in a mood of “leave me the fuck alone!”.  All around.  I hate it.  Not sure wtf is going on with me and what happened to turn me back in that direction but I can NOT let this shit go and I don’t know why.

Meh.  Enough sulking.  Everything in my life is amazing except for that one thing.  Unfortunately, that one thing is having a tremendous affect on my life.  Need to get back to the progress that I’d made.  There is absolutely no reason to keep looking back.  Unless it’s to look at my old house and when my clean underwear will arrive!  LOL

COVID-19 panic is killing this empath!

I understand the need and the science behind this whole “social distancing” thing and everything shutting down.

I live alone.  Most of my neighbors are assholes.  The only neighbors I like left town to go to their “summer” home because the schools are shut down.

Work is a nightmare because I work for a major ISP and every company on the planet is trying to amp up their bandwidth for their remote workers, so emergency requests and people yelling has become my new norm.

I feel the anxiety of everyone online, all of my friends, all of my coworkers (local and remote), EVERYONE right now.  I feel the worry and the desperation too… I feel all of it and it’s taking its toll.

I’m exhausted, lonely, overwhelmed, out of groceries (haven’t been buying because I’m moving and now the stores are empty)… ready to burst into tears at any moment.  Worried my move is going to be delayed, worried I’m going to be driving across the country and nothing will be open… already paying for a house I can’t live in and if they shut the whole fuckin country down, I’ll be paying mortgage and rent and utilities in 2 residences for MONTHS!  I’m on the verge of a nervous breakdown at this point.

I’m whining, I know.  First world problems.  I know that there are so much worse scenarios.  I’m not discounting any of that, I just have no one to vent to and I don’t cry (especially after just doing my makeup – insert eye roll here!).

Check in on your people. For those of us that are already afraid of dying alone because we’re just too much for people to understand or handle, this is our hell.  Temporary or not.

Shrooms ruined my Sunday!

So.. I did a thing.  I’m a little too old to be doing things off the cuff at this point in my life, so I suppose I deserved the hell that I put myself through yesterday.

My oldest daughter took me away for a weekend to have mom/daughter time before I move away.  It was a lovely time, full of a whole lotta nothing in the middle of Kentucky.  Seriously.  Banjo land, USA.  She was instantly disappointed that most of the people that were originally going on this trip (grand total of 7-9 people) all backed out at the last minute.  We made the most of it, but you could tell she was disappointed all weekend.

Fast forward to Sunday when we got home, she wanted for me, her, and my youngest daughter to “trip sac” on shrooms.  Umm… I’ve never in my life done them.  Probably never will again.  That was quite possibly the most horrific .. well, not horrific.. but it was MUY MUY BADDO!  I can’t even put into words.. all the things.  I had to isolate myself in the bathroom … couldn’t close my eyes because of the geometric kaleidoscope happening behind my eyelids.  I couldn’t keep my eyes open because everything I saw was too loud.

My daughter’s cat was fucking with me, noises made me out of control anxious, quiet made my thoughts sound like they were coming through a bull horn, I couldn’t breathe my way out or calm myself down.

I needed hugged but didn’t want anyone around me.  I was cold but a blanket was too stifling.  A cold rag on my face made everything itch.

I WAS A FUCKING MESS FOR 4 HOURS!  BUT!… It did occur to me that I have a lot of pent up pain, tears, and emotions that I need to find a way to let out in a healthy way.  I wanted to cry but I was terrified that if I started, I wouldn’t stop and I’d end up at the hospital.

I couldn’t figure out what I needed to make this all better, or to feel happy, or to feel loved.  It occurred to me, as I was tiring out my hand with a ball of putty, reading a box with “Sleep Delivered” on the side, and trying to calm down that I have no idea what it’s like to feel loved, safe, protected, and accepted.   I certainly provide most of this for myself in some capacity, but I have no idea what the proper way is.  I don’t like to be touched, hugged much, coddled.. mainly because that was NEVER part of my upbringing.  I don’t know what to do with people who try to love me or take care of me.  I honestly have NO IDEA how to process that.

The only thing that brought me any peace was the thought that my Irish Setter, Killian, loves me to no end.  In his own way that kinda feeds off of me.  He will come up, bury his head in my lap, wag his tail, and let me love on him.  Occasionally, he will stand up and push me back so that he can literally hug me and then crawl on my lap like a child.

Do you know how sad that is?

Then, on the way home, the Jim stuff hit me like a brick.  I forced myself not to think of him during my trip because it was simply too much.  He lied to me for 5 years.  He promised me “the world”, happiness, protection, safety, loyalty, commitment, undying love, devotion, a future, and forever.  He gave me NONE of that in the end.  It was all a lie.  A lie that I invested my heart, my life, my world into… and I am tremendously hurt.  I feel abandoned.  I feel lost.  I feel unlovable.  I feel alone.  I am still destroyed.

I walk around every single day with a smile on my face, a joke or quick witted remark, and fully engaged in life, but on the inside I am broken into a million little pieces of glass.  So small that you can’t see… like when you drop a glass on concrete and work feverishly to clean up… to leave one shard that digs into your foot weeks later when you think it’s safe to walk barefoot again.

My youngest daughter didn’t do this with us and showed up around hour 3.  I think.  I had no idea what time it was.  I couldn’t even look at my phone, it was moving too quickly for me to focus.  She tried to help but I was a mess.  Even if she asks me today how it was, I am literally at a loss for words.  It was everything and nothing.  I am also realizing I don’t know how to communicate my feelings.  Everything is so overwhelming and I can’t get it out.  Odd, for someone who never shuts the fuck up!  She put on some music that she thought would help, but it was indian flute music and for whatever reason, that sent me into a sad tailspin.  That music does not work for me and it makes me sad.  I just couldn’t think of any music to tell her to put on because sounds HURT!  LOL I needed complete silence, completely void of any vision… I honestly have no idea what would’ve made this better, but nothing did.  Exceot thinking about Killian and playing with my putty.

NEVER AGAIN!  I did it.. I’m done.. I can say I did it once and it was not a good thing for me.  I have far too much anxiety to be messing with things like shrooms.  And now… I have PTSD LOL