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A good cry…

I’m NOT a cryer (crier?) – hold please while I Google. ** Turns out, either works, cryer is just the “archaic” version. *eye roll*

When it seems I’m in need of a good cry, the universe floods me with obstacles that overwhelm me and basically forces me to let the dam break.

Crying is exhausting. Feelings are exhausting. OVER IT!

The last few nights have been short in slumber but very vivid in dreams. This isn’t helping. My subconscious is breaking me down with dreams that break my heart. Or maybe it’s to wake me up that I still haven’t “dealt” with the things that I try to avoid.

One night, I dreamt that I was pregnant. OH HELL NO! NOPE! NO WAY! NOT A CHANCE! The next night hit a button that I’m eventually going to have to approach mentally, but I just don’t want to think about or even consider. Actually, the last two nights… The 2 most important men in my life over the last 20+ years, each filled me full of hope and then immediately turned around and married someone else. IN MY DREAMS! But it just hit a nerve that I’m not and never will be marriage material.

It’s a terrifying thought that I won’t have anyone to spend the rest of my life with. As humans, we are always looking for a connection and none of us want to die alone. I don’t want to be that terrifying woman in the neighborhood that is bitter and lonely and yelling at little kids to get off her lawn!

So. The question is.. which do I want more. Love or Companionship? I want both but overall, most people piss me off. I don’t even know what I want, so I guess it is what it is, right?

Why am I not marriage material? A few thoughts… I don’t demand appropriate treatment. I settle for what I get and hope that it gets better. I allow people to mistreat me daily and I don’t stand up for myself. I don’t feel like I’m worthy enough or important enough for love in my life. I don’t let my voice be heard. I let people shut me down when I try to speak my feelings or my truth but I will put my entire life on hold to listen to someone else. I see red flags and I help wave them instead of walking away when I know damn well that things are going to end badly. I disrespect myself and my dignity and allow others to do the same.

How do I fix it? How do I love myself? How do I believe I’m worthy? How do I set boundaries? How do I be at peace and accept this as my life? I thought uprooting my life and starting over would work but… as they say… No matter where you go… there you are.

Where’s the tissues?

The silence is unnerving!

The power went out at 2:45 am.  Brought me out of a dead sleep.  As I stumbled in the dark to the windows to confirm it was the whole neighborhood, and not just my house, I opened the windows to let some night breeze in.  It was COMPLETELY silent outside.

NOT A PEEP!  Nothing from a bird, no crickets, no cicadas, no cars, NOTHING!

You’d think the quiet would allow me to easily fall back asleep.  Instead, I laid there for an hour and a half waiting….  waiting for anything.  I couldn’t get back to sleep.  Silence makes me anxious.  This is why I sleep with a fan and a TV on!  If I’m left to my own thoughts and devices, just about anything can happen (if only in my head!)

The lists of things that I needed to get done started…  Beating myself up for some random stupid thing I said or did..  I tried to control my breathing but that just made the dog’s breathing and panting even louder.  I tried to focus on not focusing on anything… LOL Not sure how people meditate but it’s clear that I need to learn how to be in my own silence and be comfortable!

Once the power came back on, and the WIFI finally restored, all was well in my world and I was able to fall back to sleep for a solid hour before the alarm went off.  I was happy for the hour but a little bent about losing 2!

Now, I need a nap!

Loving life. Learning …

So, I’ve been in Colorado for over 3 months now.  Not that there is much to brag about… the whole state is under lock-down, essentially.  You can’t go anywhere without a mask and since I can’t breathe in them, I simply stay home for weeks at a time.  YUCK!

In staying home, I’ve had a lot of time to think, reflect, learn, grow.

It has occurred to me that my communication skills are non-existent.  They always have been, if I’m being honest.  I can communicate here, in writing, and in most other venues where the written word are appreciated.  However…  FACE to FACE or verbal communication is impossible for me sometimes.  I just don’t know how.  I don’t know “words”.  Words are hard  LOL

Growing up, if there were issues or problems or arguments, my family (on both sides) simply avoided communication entirely.  No phone calls, no visits, no conversations.  Just nothing.  So, as an adult, that’s what I do.  I shut down.  I thought everyone did it.  Seems a lot of people have a lot of feelings that they want to convey and I have no idea how to do that or what to do with theirs.  I always feel like I’m being attacked and on the defensive.  Mainly because if someone is sharing a feeling with me, it’s anger/frustration/jealousy/disappointment.

I don’t know what love is.  I don’t know how to show it (clearly what I thought was the right way, was COMPLETELY WRONG), receive it, process it, or even enjoy it!  What I have thought was love over the years was nothing more than manipulation, lies, bullshit, smoke and mirrors, and a fantasy.  I am 47 years old and literally flailing to survive “feelings”.

We live in a world where no one gives a shit about your feelings.  They want you to care about theirs, but the attention and devotion is not reciprocated.  As a result, WTF is the point in bothering?  Seriously?

I’m down to only one child speaking to me at this point and I think that’s out a sense of guilt or obligation.  My youngest has decided to have a relationship with my parents (whom I can’t speak to.. the toxicity they bring to my life is not worth sacrificing my self respect and happiness any longer ) and is now under “the spell”.  She has no idea what it was like being me in that household.  No one does and no one ever gave a shit to ask or understand.  Hopefully, she gets it one day and comes back… if not… 2 down, I got one left.  Hopefully, I don’t lose her too.  I wasn’t a perfect mom by any stretch of the imagination, but I tried my hardest to break the cycles and show my kids love every day.  Clearly, I failed.  But they are amazing young adults, so I didn’t fuck it up completely.  I am, however, the punching bag and source of their anger and pain lately and all I can do is apologize and own it.  No one wants explanations.  No one wants my side.  They just want to be heard.  I’ve lived my whole life in “defense” mode and have no idea how to navigate through this except to give them their space and wait.  I’m sure that’s the wrong approach too, and I’ll hear about that at some point, but I have no idea how else to react or respond to the situation.

Dating.  What a shit show.  I’m just not ready.  Simple conversations seem to be a chore for people.  Given the last 10 years … I’m over it!

OH!  UPDATE!  Guess who is engaged after telling me that they never wanted to get married again!  Yep!  basically a year after leaving me, ghosting me, and treating me like shit …  I find an “I said YES” post.  Good times.  I genuinely hope they live a long and happy life together.  It’s clear now that he is just as bad as my family –  in that, instead of communicating, he just cuts off all communication (always has) and then wants to blame me that there was no communication.  *eye roll and head shake*  Hopefully, he has grown up and can be a working partner in their relationship.

I thought that I had met someone that could eventually work its way to meeting in person etc.  Red flags already.  Not actively pursuing that any further.  People from my past keep crawling out of the woodwork lately… all married… thinking I want to be their side piece.  Two problems with that…  I am no longer in Ohio and I am not going to be the escape from their life and responsibilities and I’m also not going to be a named party in anyone’s divorce!

Other than all of this, Colorado is beautiful!  I can’t wait to explore more of it.  Abrupt ending, but I have another conference call… story of my life these days!

 

Abandonment – realized

The last year has opened my eyes to a number of things that I’ve tried to avoid thinking about or address.

A few years back, I wrote my “mother” off … I had to walk away as a final effort to stand up for myself and put a stop to the nonsense that I had put up with from her for decades.

She NEVER loved me.  She may have said the words, talked to others and led them to believe, and may have even considered it in what she calls her heart.  Problem is… I know her heart, or what little of it that she has ever shown to me.

I forgave her.  I do forgive her.  For whatever reason, in her “heart”, she felt like she couldn’t or simply just didn’t want to love me or connect with me.  Before you say to yourself that every mother loves their children… watch the fuckin news, no they don’t.  My mother was no different than some of those mothers.  Her forms of discipline were enough to instill fear and distance me from her and shame me and make me feel less than worthy or deserving of any kindness or love from anyone.

I have always striven for love from the most hurtful of human beings.  Likely out of some effort to convince myself that I’m not hard to love.  The problem is, I am hard to love because even when someone does claim that they love me, I don’t feel it or believe it.

I GENUINELY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT’S LIKE TO FEEL LOVE!  OR HAPPINESS FOR THAT MATTER!

Not to say I haven’t, except to say that what I assume is love and happiness.  Occasionally, for a moment.  I always feel like there’s a motive, condition, or punishment coming from those feelings.

All of this ties back to her.  I can tie my lack of love back to being a baby.  There are no pictures of her lovingly gazing at me, holding me, hugging me, doing activities..  All of my baby pictures, that I’ve seen, show me looking stressed, crying, or looking like I was straining to take a shit.  Literally… not one picture of me smiling that I ever remember seeing.  I have been miserable my whole life (up until now..).

Now, I suppose, I’m avoiding feeling love because it seems everyone who claims to love me has this innate ability to drop me like a bad habit anytime the whim comes over them.  I have zero intention of dating anyone seriously again… I have no intention of getting close and becoming “intimate” with anyone.  Not that anyone has really ever taken the time to get to know me on a soulful level.  I’ve always been a past-time, a piece of ass, a distraction, a crutch, an excuse.  I can only blame myself for this happening, going forward.

Maybe, some day, I will learn to trust … Nope.  Doubt it.  People in general are too easy to give up on things and frankly, I’m tired of being given up on.  I refuse to give up on myself though, so it’s time to make changes.

Starting with… loving myself when no one else will.  Not exactly sure how to do that or what it means.  What I do know is that I won’t be sacrificing myself for other people and their feelings or needs any more.  I’ve always done this in the past to prove my love for someone… I’ve always done the things that I thought they wanted to make them happy.  Turns out, all it did was let people treat me worse and I allowed it.  I have always bent over backwards to forgive and forget, be the bigger person, be nice, do good.  It’s never really gotten me anywhere.  I will continue to be those things, but not for any other reason that to be those things for me.  My people pleasing days for validation, acceptance, and love are over.  WYSIWYG… it’s going to take time and effort, but I’ve accomplished bigger and better things.

COVID-19 panic is killing this empath!

I understand the need and the science behind this whole “social distancing” thing and everything shutting down.

I live alone.  Most of my neighbors are assholes.  The only neighbors I like left town to go to their “summer” home because the schools are shut down.

Work is a nightmare because I work for a major ISP and every company on the planet is trying to amp up their bandwidth for their remote workers, so emergency requests and people yelling has become my new norm.

I feel the anxiety of everyone online, all of my friends, all of my coworkers (local and remote), EVERYONE right now.  I feel the worry and the desperation too… I feel all of it and it’s taking its toll.

I’m exhausted, lonely, overwhelmed, out of groceries (haven’t been buying because I’m moving and now the stores are empty)… ready to burst into tears at any moment.  Worried my move is going to be delayed, worried I’m going to be driving across the country and nothing will be open… already paying for a house I can’t live in and if they shut the whole fuckin country down, I’ll be paying mortgage and rent and utilities in 2 residences for MONTHS!  I’m on the verge of a nervous breakdown at this point.

I’m whining, I know.  First world problems.  I know that there are so much worse scenarios.  I’m not discounting any of that, I just have no one to vent to and I don’t cry (especially after just doing my makeup – insert eye roll here!).

Check in on your people. For those of us that are already afraid of dying alone because we’re just too much for people to understand or handle, this is our hell.  Temporary or not.

Shrooms ruined my Sunday!

So.. I did a thing.  I’m a little too old to be doing things off the cuff at this point in my life, so I suppose I deserved the hell that I put myself through yesterday.

My oldest daughter took me away for a weekend to have mom/daughter time before I move away.  It was a lovely time, full of a whole lotta nothing in the middle of Kentucky.  Seriously.  Banjo land, USA.  She was instantly disappointed that most of the people that were originally going on this trip (grand total of 7-9 people) all backed out at the last minute.  We made the most of it, but you could tell she was disappointed all weekend.

Fast forward to Sunday when we got home, she wanted for me, her, and my youngest daughter to “trip sac” on shrooms.  Umm… I’ve never in my life done them.  Probably never will again.  That was quite possibly the most horrific .. well, not horrific.. but it was MUY MUY BADDO!  I can’t even put into words.. all the things.  I had to isolate myself in the bathroom … couldn’t close my eyes because of the geometric kaleidoscope happening behind my eyelids.  I couldn’t keep my eyes open because everything I saw was too loud.

My daughter’s cat was fucking with me, noises made me out of control anxious, quiet made my thoughts sound like they were coming through a bull horn, I couldn’t breathe my way out or calm myself down.

I needed hugged but didn’t want anyone around me.  I was cold but a blanket was too stifling.  A cold rag on my face made everything itch.

I WAS A FUCKING MESS FOR 4 HOURS!  BUT!… It did occur to me that I have a lot of pent up pain, tears, and emotions that I need to find a way to let out in a healthy way.  I wanted to cry but I was terrified that if I started, I wouldn’t stop and I’d end up at the hospital.

I couldn’t figure out what I needed to make this all better, or to feel happy, or to feel loved.  It occurred to me, as I was tiring out my hand with a ball of putty, reading a box with “Sleep Delivered” on the side, and trying to calm down that I have no idea what it’s like to feel loved, safe, protected, and accepted.   I certainly provide most of this for myself in some capacity, but I have no idea what the proper way is.  I don’t like to be touched, hugged much, coddled.. mainly because that was NEVER part of my upbringing.  I don’t know what to do with people who try to love me or take care of me.  I honestly have NO IDEA how to process that.

The only thing that brought me any peace was the thought that my Irish Setter, Killian, loves me to no end.  In his own way that kinda feeds off of me.  He will come up, bury his head in my lap, wag his tail, and let me love on him.  Occasionally, he will stand up and push me back so that he can literally hug me and then crawl on my lap like a child.

Do you know how sad that is?

Then, on the way home, the Jim stuff hit me like a brick.  I forced myself not to think of him during my trip because it was simply too much.  He lied to me for 5 years.  He promised me “the world”, happiness, protection, safety, loyalty, commitment, undying love, devotion, a future, and forever.  He gave me NONE of that in the end.  It was all a lie.  A lie that I invested my heart, my life, my world into… and I am tremendously hurt.  I feel abandoned.  I feel lost.  I feel unlovable.  I feel alone.  I am still destroyed.

I walk around every single day with a smile on my face, a joke or quick witted remark, and fully engaged in life, but on the inside I am broken into a million little pieces of glass.  So small that you can’t see… like when you drop a glass on concrete and work feverishly to clean up… to leave one shard that digs into your foot weeks later when you think it’s safe to walk barefoot again.

My youngest daughter didn’t do this with us and showed up around hour 3.  I think.  I had no idea what time it was.  I couldn’t even look at my phone, it was moving too quickly for me to focus.  She tried to help but I was a mess.  Even if she asks me today how it was, I am literally at a loss for words.  It was everything and nothing.  I am also realizing I don’t know how to communicate my feelings.  Everything is so overwhelming and I can’t get it out.  Odd, for someone who never shuts the fuck up!  She put on some music that she thought would help, but it was indian flute music and for whatever reason, that sent me into a sad tailspin.  That music does not work for me and it makes me sad.  I just couldn’t think of any music to tell her to put on because sounds HURT!  LOL I needed complete silence, completely void of any vision… I honestly have no idea what would’ve made this better, but nothing did.  Exceot thinking about Killian and playing with my putty.

NEVER AGAIN!  I did it.. I’m done.. I can say I did it once and it was not a good thing for me.  I have far too much anxiety to be messing with things like shrooms.  And now… I have PTSD LOL

New Beginnings

Phew…

It’s been almost a year since I started trying to start a new life.  By force, mostly, but from a place in my heart that needed a change.  I saw an opportunity and I literally jumped on it like a jungle cat.  Unfortunately, it has take all of this time to get movement on it, but BOY HOWDY!  MOVEMENT IS COMING FAST!!!

I fly to my “new home” tomorrow to house hunt and meet with the people who are making this happen.  There is a level of terror and excitement in this that I’ve never felt before.  I have never lived outside of BUCKEYE country… although, most of the world is BUCKEYE country.  LOL  (You can’t go anywhere and yell O-H…. and not get an I-O in return… trust me, I’ve tried!)

The city that I’m supposed to move to had a shooting in a Walmart yesterday!  OMG… I paused for a moment but then realized that this one event is not going to keep me from moving.  There are literally DOZENS of other cities around there and these days, a shooting can happen anywhere.  If I get shot… well… I get shot.  Hopefully, I survive!  And if I don’t… I’m in the one place that is one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever been to.

I’m not mentioning where I’m going, although I think I’ve already said, so if any of my secret “stalkers” come on here won’t get specific details.  (not my subscribers… people in my life whom I’ve cut off but try to get information wherever they can these days.  Not you, DH!)   I’ve mentioned an area but where I’m going is not close to there.  Let the investigating begin!  LOL  I see you… I know you’re there…

I’m living life.  I’m moving on.  I’m about to embark on the most amazing adventure!!  Without the nonsense or the shitty ass people that feel entitled to ride on my coat tails.  I worked for this.  I did the things, I made the changes, I grew.  And now… I get to reap the rewards!

I can’t wait for this new chapter!  I’ve worked my whole life for this and nothing is going to stop me now!!

10 years in 2 parts

Part 1.

I didn’t date much between 2006 and 2009.  I had drama and trauma in that time and dating wasn’t an option.  I also got my degree, got 2 jobs, met some amazing people, and bought a house.  There were so many exciting new things going on and when I started talking to Scott… I felt ready.  He was just coming out of a 19 year marriage.  My head said to stay away but he seemed so genuinely nice… So misunderstood..  I felt like I saw the real him more than anyone did so I gave it a whirl.  4ish years later, after a couple of break-ups, I finally just couldn’t do it anymore.  We had taken a vacation to Florida and after a couple of HIGH OCTANE SLUSHIES (quite possibly the devil of all adult frozen drinks), he introduced me to our bartender as his ex-wife.  HIS EX WIFE!!!  AFTER 4 YEARS!  Really?  I realized that things weren’t getting better, we weren’t moving forward, so I broke it off.  He had been dragging me down with his constant negativity for years and when I realized that I wasn’t even on his mind, it was time to go.  His reaction to that was to tell me that he had bought me a promise ring.  Not an engagement ring, but the promise of an engagement at some point.

ARE WE IN FUCKING HIGH SCHOOL?

Needless to say… moving on!

We still had a connection though, because my daughter (who considered him “dad”) was now out of high school and pregnant.  He was now going to be “Grumpy” to a tiny tot and I cared enough about him that I wasn’t going to take that from him.  We did go on one more vacation together in 2014 but by the time we returned, it was clear that things had changed.

We’re still friends to this day, he’s still “Grumpy” to our little grumpy grandson, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I did waste almost 5 years on this though and realized that I needed certain qualities in a partner that he just couldn’t give me and had no intentions of giving me.  Divorce left him very bitter when she took half of everything.  I don’t blame him at all for that but instead of trying to focus on us and making a happy life, he was always so unhappy about everything.  My kids could do nothing right in his eyes… he had no intimate desires towards me.. I felt more like a roommate most days who just annoyed the shit out of him.

Part 2.

Enter stage right… high school sweetheart out of the blue.  Whirlwind love affair and I’d never been so happy in my life.  Even when it ended, I had no idea we were even in trouble except that nagging feeling again that we weren’t moving forward and all I wanted to do was marry him and live the rest of my life loving him.  He, too, was divorced, bitter and angry after losing half of everything.  Made no difference to him that I didn’t need him or want anything from him except his heart… Any mention of marriage or a future were met with sarcastic comments or flat out refusal.. usually in front of friends and family who also wondered why we weren’t getting married.  I always got the “NEVER again” speech.

I kept hoping that if I waited patiently, proved my worth and that all I wanted to do was be with him, that he’d eventually realize my benefit to his life and at least take some step.  Buy a house, move in together, even stop short of marriage but do a commitment ceremony (I was willing to settle… pathetic).

Knowing that our 5 year anniversary was quickly approaching, I was already prepared to have the talk at some point… We either needed to move forward together or split.  I STRUGGLED with this because I did NOT want to lose the love of my life.

Little did I know that behind the scenes, he was already planning an escape.  I literally did NOT see it coming.  I knew something was up because he had been acting funny for months.  Made excuses not to come see me (he lives over an hour away), the morning, evening, and random text messages stopped, every plan I tried to make with him was met with “I can’t afford to” or something similar… Odd… since he just bought a new Harley.   I was so blinded by my absolute adoration for him that when it all fell apart, BLINDSIDED took on a WHOLE NEW MEANING!  That bus literally came out of nowhere.  Yes, I basically forced it, but in my heart I had hoped that I meant as much to him as he did to me.  Boy… was I completely off the reservation!  He quickly took the out and was gone.  No explanation, no conversation, no argument, nothing.   Gone.  And with spite and venom that I was not prepared for.

Out of both of these situations, I was settling.  I should’ve gotten out within the first 2 years of both of these relationships when it was clear that things were not moving in a forward motion.  This is not a mistake I will make again.  I refuse to waste any more time trying to make someone else happy by letting my own happiness take a back seat.  The minute that I have that “moment” I need to leave.  I had it with both of them.  That moment when something mundane is said (mundane to them) that is the pivot …  the “AH HA!” moment.  I will never ignore those moments again.   I can, to this day, pinpoint each moment with each of them.  March 2011 with Scott and summer of 2015 with Jim.  Both times I struggled with “Do I stick around?  He’s amazing!  He treats me well.  Can I live with never having my happily ever after?”  NEVER AGAIN!

I don’t NEED anyone.  No one.  Not financially or otherwise.  I have raised my kids alone, I take care of myself, and take care of whomever is in my life.  I do however WANT someone in my life.  I don’t want to be alone.  I want to share a life with someone.   Right now, I’m dealing with the negative talk of “What was it that was missing from me that contributed to the failure of these relationships.”  Which is dumb.  I gave until I could give no more and in both instances, became complacent when it was met with no effort or meaningful contribution from them.

So here I am.  Now what?  Dating seems so stupid and such a waste of time at this point.  I have very few friends left from all of this bullshit and drama the last year.  My kids are busy with their own lives.  Here I am.  Stuck.   Miserable.  Alone.  Wishing to turn back time but knowing it wouldn’t change anything.

Time to start over.  AGAIN.  I don’t have the time to waste on 10 more years, 5 more years, or even 2 more years with someone who isn’t going towards the same goals or ANY goal for that matter.  What to do… what to do.

 

Death would be so much easier.

NOT MINE!

This past weekend was harder than most.  It did, however, bring about the thought:

“Losing all of these people in my life over the last year would be so much easier to grieve and recover from if they had died.”

I don’t mean that maliciously.  I simply mean that death has never really been hard for me to get over.  I can rationalize the death and the absence.  Sure, I miss them, but I know that there was an “ending”.

Losing 6 people in one year, friendship, relationships, etc… and all of them having moved on without a care in the world as to the void they left me with, has taken a horrible toll.  Every single day I cry.  I rarely cry.  I’m not a crier.  For me to admit that I have done nothing but cry for over 2 months is embarrassing and ridiculous.

My favorite holiday is this week (Independence Day/July 4th) and I’ve sworn off any and all celebrating because even when it’s a good year, I cry during the fireworks (patriotism, family, and fireworks move me in amazing ways).  I can’t watch them this year and be involved in events because it takes me back to some point over the last 5 years.  Honestly, if I looked back, he made every effort to ruin that day for me either by starting an argument or giving me attitude because I wanted to go and enjoy the holiday amongst friends and family and his idea of fun was sitting at home and drinking the day away while he obsessed over some piece of meat on his fancy smoker.  Or .. getting drunk in front of my family and making a fool of himself.

I really want to jump a week so that I can avoid all of this.  I really want to go a day without crying.  I really just want to be happy again.  I know I’m the only one that can make that happen but I’m stuck in a cycle of negative talk in my head (that I’m trying to fix) and constant reminders of what was and what was lost.

I want to burn everything, sell everything, and leave everything on a daily basis.  None of this will help except maybe leaving and starting a new life somewhere.  What good is that if I’m miserable when I get there?!!!

I am supposed to find out, today, whether I get to move for my job and while wallowing over the weekend I made a decision that no matter what.. I’m moving out of Ohio ASAP.  There is nothing left for me here.  I can always come back and visit.. I just can’t be here.  I’ve lived here my whole life and hated most of it.  I will either be moving to the mountains of Denver or maybe the beaches of southern Florida or Georgia (although each are staunch conservative states and I’m so far off the radar …not sure these are good places for me either).  Denver seems like the more reasonable route, but… we’ll see.  Should know in about an hour.

I almost wonder if a funeral isn’t a viable idea.  Build each of them their own little caskets of memories and either bury them or burn them.  Formally say goodbye and maybe my brain can remap the loss as a permanent death, instead of death by absence of sight.  I have to do something.  Soon.  I’ve wasted too much time on this and I just want to move to a happier place.  Figuratively and literally.