Archive | September 2019

Begging for peace

I am not religious by any stretch of the imagination and don’t believe in the racket they call organized religion.  What I do believe is that there are energies in place to help or harm.  There is a higher power in play, although I have no idea what/who it is and honestly it’s of no consequence to me except to know that I have no power against the universe.

I do sometimes speak to the universe in my own way.  Last night, it was curled up in the fetal position, asking for answers and to make the pain stop.  Not gonna lie… dying seemed like a welcome peace to me.  Not in a suicidal way, more of a “I am desperate to forget him and move on” kind of way and have not found a way to move on at all during the last 5 months.

I wish I were more like him or anyone I know that is strong enough to quickly get past emotions and get on with life.  This has literally broken me and my heart and I struggle every single day to not cry.  I was doing well for a couple of weeks, I was distracted with people and activities, but lately I’ve been so alone.  I try to get out of the house, but the weekends end up being a drunken night on Friday, hungover on Saturday, and miserably depressed on Sunday.  During the week, once I’m home… I’m  home.  Lights off, windows and curtains closed, something stupid on TV to drown out the crying.

I’ve resolved to trying to see some kind of practitioner.  Not a doctor that will dope me up on bullshit meds that turn me into a bigger psycho, or will make me feel nothing at all.  I’m going to go to a holistic healer (or one of them) and start the process of getting all of the negativity in my head, the pain in my heart, and the anger all dealt with.

I have zero desire to have fun, be around anyone, or do anything at all for that matter, most days.  I force myself, against the anxiety, some days, but mostly I’m a mess.

I don’t talk to anyone about what is really going on in my head or heart because.. let’s face it… people don’t give a fuck about anyone but themselves anymore.  Friends are superficial at best and in name only.  Everyone has their own shit they’re going through and no one wants more added onto it.  I don’t blame them.  I don’t even want to deal with my shit, why would they want to?

I do have to get back to a happy place.  I need to be excited about life again.  I need something to look forward to and the motivation to make it all happen.  I can’t continue on living this way.  It’s killing me.

I suppose I should be flattered..

Embarrassingly enough, I joined a dating app (which I’ve written about before).  So far, it’s slim pickins.  It even got to the point that the app stopped suggesting people because I had literally “X”d through almost 99%.  I’ve gotten hundreds of likes from people who clearly didn’t read my profile.  They see my pictures and jump on the opportunity and hope against all odds that I’ll “heart” them back or even say hello.  I rarely do.

Saw a profile of someone that liked me, they were attractive, their profile was interesting, so I liked back.  Crickets for over a month and then out of the blue yesterday he joked that he hoped I liked younger men.  I typically do not.  I don’t have the patience for the antics but he seemed relatively sane so I replied that I was more concerned that he liked “older ladies”… yes, not women, ladies.  Trying to send my own message.

His reply was “are you at all interested in a purely sexual relationship.  I don’t expect anything from you.  I’m here to please.  I’m very good with my tongue.”

DOES THIS SHIT WORK???  Umm… tempting… but one night stands and random sex with guys is not how I work at all.  Of course, my options these days are extremely limited/non-existent, but I just can’t bring myself to be one of those people.

This wasn’t the first time, this weekend, that a scenario like this presented itself.

Friday night I went out with my neighbors to have dinner and drinks and laugh at some Karaoke… When karaoke started, this very attractive man “V” sang a Prince song.  He sang it very well… I was feelin it… He sang a few songs and I loved all of them.  He sat down to talk with all of us and eventually asked me to speak alone.  I was flattered.  We exchanged pleasantries for a few minutes and BAM he hits me with “Hey, I have a room at the Hyatt downtown, you should come hang!”  I politely explained that “I’m not that kind of lady”… he claims to have meant no “intentions” and that he thought I was cool and wanted to hang out.  Umm… this isn’t my first day on the planet.  We could hang out just fine where we were if that is what he wanted.  He promptly disappeared.

This is exactly why I’m avoiding the whole dating scene.  I am too old fashioned for today’s scene.  I still believe in courting, flowers, opening doors, etc etc.  I want romance.  Not some mystery trying to figure out someone’s last name after being ravished for 20 minutes.