“Big” is what we’ll call him.  If you know the reference, you’ll understand the torturous roller coaster that is associated with that name.  He knows I call him this (moreso that his contact info in my phone is John James Preston) as of last week and oddly knew exactly who I was talking about.  Not sure if I’m more impressed or appalled that he was probably taking notes for years on best game play.

I met Big in 1994.  I hated him at first because he was making some tramp “ugly cry” in the bathroom where he was a bouncer.  Seems at some point he took an interest in me one evening and asked if I’d have a drink with him sometime.  Reluctantly, I did.  After that drink… I was smitten.  Smitten makes it sound sweet and innocent.  What I actually turned into was an insane stalker!  I don’t say that with pride.  I didn’t even know what a stalker was at that time.  Not even sure they had even coined that term yet.  I am mortified by how ridiculously obsessed I was with him over the years.

We did this dance for a few months and then  my dumb ass asked him to marry me.  Jesus… I can’t even imagine how psycho I seemed back then.  I genuinely was so in love with him and didn’t want to spend another day without him.  He said “yes” and then 2 years later he was beating feet to get away from me.  I can’t blame him..

Unfortunately, over the course of the next 10 years, he would drag me along with bits and pieces of his time and attention.  I, in turn, would drop whatever/whomever I was doing at the time to have him back.  At one point, I decided to get away from him and moved to a city an hour away.  It didn’t stop the phone calls and emails though.. (I probably still have emails from him back then… I may go look for some of them).  There isn’t enough space on this blog for all of the emotional torture that this man repeatedly put me through and I continued to take from him.

He talked me into moving back and moving in with him in 2003.  And my stupid ass went.  He told me that as long as I paid my own bills and half of the household bills, I didn’t have to work.  Rent was dirt cheap then and I really had no other bills.  Easy breezy!  Except that in less than 90 days, he decided to start shutting off utilities.  I only figured this out because I knew I paid the bills and when I’d call the companies, they’d tell me that they hadn’t touched anything.  Water was shut off twice… electricity once… It finally occurred to my dumb ass that he wanted us out. (Me and my 2 daughters!).  I had uprooted our lives to start this life with him and he bailed in less time than it would take to get through orientation at most companies!

That shit sucked.  Homeless with 2 daughters.  No family to turn to… no real support system.  Thank goodness a friend was deployed to Afghanistan and wasn’t using his home… so for the next 3 months, I was looking for jobs, and a place to live, while raising 2 grade school aged daughters and trying to maintain my sanity.

A year later (I am skipping so much) he was asking me to marry him.  My stupid ass said yes.  I thought he had finally seen the light.  HA!  I was now enrolled in college and had my own little stalker that I had to have kicked out of the school and Big called off the engagement because I took care of that myself instead of letting him handle it.  He always handled stuff for me and to this day… he still does.

Needless to say, I finally got away from him and moved back to the city an hour away.  He would text occasionally “I miss you.  You’ll always be my girl.  I’ll always love you.  My heart will always belong to you.”  My response is always the same… “I don’t blame you, I’m pretty fucking fantastic!”  I wasn’t about to feed into any of this and get sucked back in.

He moved states away a year ago… I was happy for him!  He came back for a week last week and wanted to see me.  I struggled with this for so long (he told me he was coming in July).  He wanted to see me but I wasn’t sure I wanted to see him.  I folded and drove to see him several times last week.  It was a nice visit.  The chemistry is still there after all of these years, minus the stupidity.  Well… my stupidity.  He was full of the feels and is talking about marriage, moving to Denver with me, making a life, growing old, etc etc etc etc etc…  By the time the weekend ended, I was exhausted with the battle in my head.  I am way too smart to get back into this at this point in my life.  Just to be miserable, lonely, and thrown away when he gets bored.

I’ve always loved him in some way.  He has no idea what it’s like to truly love anyone except himself.  I don’t say that to be mean, it’s a fact.  I’ve known about every single girlfriend he’s had in 25+ years and know his ex wife.  He doesn’t know about compromise, sacrifice, selflessness, all encompassing passion, honesty…  The only thing he’s good at is making promises and breaking them, great sex, and the ability to bullshit…  Everyone around us last week kept asking when we were getting married, moving in together, rekindling this romance… I get it… they see the surface.  They don’t see the 25 years of pain he has caused me and my daughters.

I don’t see myself going back to this.  Ever.  My feelings over the years have changed, matured, evolved, and died in some cases.  All of the counseling in the world can’t fix this.  All of the texting, phone conversations, and visits won’t fix it either.

The tables have officially turned.  I don’t have it in me to hurt him.. but I’m also not going to fling the doors open on my heart and soul, ever again.  For him or anyone else.  He built so many walls around me that even in my best relationships, I’m never fully invested.  I just can’t.  I take that back.  I fully invested in Jim.  MISTAKE.  So… no more fully invested for ANYONE!  Rather be alone.

**** If you made it this far, I commend you and honestly, this is only the tip top of a titanic sized iceberg that is our story.  I seriously need to write a book.

It turns out that a number of things that I swore I would never do in life are now presenting themselves and I’m now forced to rethink how I view things.

My weekend was a lot of horrible life decisions that I’m really not all that torn up about making.  I didn’t hurt anyone, including myself, and I had a lot of fun!  Are they decisions that normal sane people would make?  Nope, not a snowball’s chance in hell, in most cases.  But… I’m the captain of this shit show of a ship, so I threw caution to the wind.  Will I do it all over again, maybe not on one or 2 details, but for the most part… sure, what the hell!  I’m a grown adult, right?  No one to answer to..

One of the decisions I made needed some consulting with my youngest daughter.  In confidence, of course.  I picked her to consult because of her free spirit and her usual lack of judgement regarding life choices.  She knows me, my heart, and how I think and sometimes her level head and open-minded approach to life is exactly what I need.  Boy, did she come through.  I’m sometimes too uptight for my own good, so it feels good to get permission or validation from other people.

Other activities over the weekend weren’t discussed with anyone and probably for the best.  They were spur of the moment decisions.  One I won’t do again and another, I hope to do a lot more of, if it all works out.  VAGUE MUCH?  Yes… yes I am.  Let your mind run wild (comment your craziest thoughts on this and let’s talk!).

The fact that I, at 46, felt the need to consult my 21 yr old about anything made me feel old, out of touch, and boring.  Yesterday, I had to ask her what “Hot Girl Summer” meant.  Turns out I’m having one.. LOL  When it gets to the point that I have to ask her how to fly a hover machine… I’m going to ask her if I can move into her basement and bring all the kitties too.

Lord, I’ve just been presented with yet another iffy life decision for the upcoming weekend… I’m tired of being boring.  I just have to get the stick out of my ass and just say YES.. LET’S DO IT!

I think it’s official.  Minus the corvette… I think that midlife crisis is in full swing.  BRING IT!

I’m the team mom.  I coordinate collections of money, parties/happy hours, and potlucks.  I’m one of only 2 females on the team so I’ve fallen into the MOM title naturally.  Unfortunately, that means I work with about 30 men who really could care less about potlucks until it’s time to eat.

I’m all for feeding the masses and love doing it, however, occasionally it’s tiring to spend an evening in my kitchen after working all day.  So… I half decided to boycott the potlucks.  UNTIL!  I saw a recipe for cold hot dog pie.  Yes, it’s a thing… Google it!  LOL

I brought this monstrosity to work today and said I would pay $20 to the first person to eat a whole slice.  Turns out.. the other female is who ate it!  She choked it down.  Pretty sure if Fear Factor ever comes back to TV, she’s in the running for a spot.  I’m always up to try new foods that most people won’t… and I did try this, but on a cracker, not in its current form.  It was.. well.. okay, I guess.  Wasn’t HORRIBLE.  My boss ate some and a couple of other people but there’s almost 3/4 of it left.

Now I plan to pay housekeeping/maintenance back for every single time I’ve ever had to fill an empty ice cube tray that they emptied and didn’t refill.  Seems petty, but I’ve done worse to better people.  Wanna talk about the Dick Trophy or the “How not to be a C*nt” book or the bag of gummy dicks?  We can go there.  LOL Anonymously, of course.

The full moon has brought a much better mood and hopefully some better times for everyone.  Tons of people in my life are having a hard time right now.  A great number  of people breaking up, a few losing loved ones (death), others just in an emotional slump.  Time for some fun and shenanigans to round out the summer.

What next?  🙂

If hearing “G’nite John Boy” doesn’t conjure up images of the Waltons, Ingalls, etc..  we can’t be friends.  Not that I overly enjoyed the Waltons, I was an Ingalls fan all the way.. The phrase reminds me of big families, dinner tables, laughter, love, and home.

I have a friend who has a rocky marriage and they have decided to “open” things up a bit.  Both of them are of the belief that you can’t wholly love ONE person and it’s possible to love more than one person and love everyone in completely different ways.  Not to air his laundry, just to put this in perspective.  He’s not the only friend that I have that is in a marriage like this.  The other friends have had an open marriage for years and it works famously for them.

The fiercely independent side of me can see how this could work.  In a committed, honest, open, and well communicated relationship, I can see this working.

The traditional side of me that grew up in a very conservative home and watching Little House on the Prairie every night on TBS at 7:05… cannot wrap my head around it.

I want the marriage, the house, the huge family dinners, and all the things.  I’ve never had that and when I did have it (minus the marriage), my heart was so full.  I never took for granted or put too small an emphasis on how much it meant to me when I had family and friends around.  I would stop and watch all of the commotion (aka: shit show) and quietly smile and pack that memory away in a special place in my heart.  It’s tough going home to an empty house every day now.  I have no purpose.  I have no one to love.  I have no one to cook for, dote over, or canoodle with.  THAT breaks my heart.

On the other hand, part of me wants the independence to do what I want.  Move somewhere new, make new friends, meet new people, climb a mountain (ok, let’s not get carried away, you know what I mean).  Growing up, I always felt my inner hippie just waiting to join a commune and live off the land, wear long flowing skirts, shirts that tied around the waist, waist length hair, and flowers everywhere!

I feel like I should be buying a corvette, sleeping with 20-somethings, and partying my ass off every night .. a midlife crisis of epic proportions.  I have no idea what that is like, I’ve never really talked to anyone going through one, but I also feel like if I looked around, EVERYONE IN MY LIFE IS GOING THROUGH THE SAME THING!  Is this just the age where our lives fall apart and we have to find a new way to glue the pieces back together?

I guess I should probably decide WHAT I want before I go shopping for a new lifestyle…

Meanwhile,

Elizabeth:
Good night, John Boy.

John-Boy:
Good night, Elizabeth. Good night, Daddy.

John:
Good night, Son. Good night, Mary Ellen.

Mary Ellen:
Good night, Daddy. Good night, Mama.

Olivia:
Good night, Mary Ellen. Good night, Jim Bob.

Jim Bob:
Good night, Mama. Good night, Erin.

Erin:
Good night, Jim Bob. Good night, Ben.

Ben:
Good night, Erin. Good night, everybody.

Yesterday could’ve been 5 years with Jim.  Should’ve been.

I avoided life at all cost yesterday.  Memories on the “book” etc.  I got all kinds of caught up on TV, watched a movie (although for the life of me I can’t remember which one.. must’ve sucked).  Took some naps.. It was a waste of a day but it was better than being around anyone and being pre-occupied with the thought of him and memories that we had made over the years.

I sent a very brief email stating I missed him and hoped he was well.  CRICKETS.  Which I expected but was hoping for better from him.  He has literally ghosted me since the day he left.  His ex before me owed him a couple thousand dollars for a car and he’s friends with her and still speaks to her… I just don’t understand the radio silence.

So.  Today is a new day.  I’ve gotten through what I considered to be the worst of it.  TIME TO MOVE ON!

Just wish I could erase him from my brain.  Completely.

I’m not sure this dating thing is for me.  Either I’m not ready or the universe isn’t.  I don’t understand perpetually single people or serial daters.  How do you do it?

I have to carefully phrase everything that I say.  Especially if it involves technology.  Email, text, chat.  What happened to hours long conversations in the middle of the night that ended in someone snoring or a 30 minute battle of “NO! YOU HANG UP FIRST!”

I tried to convey to someone that I don’t have an agenda, ulterior motive, or malice intent.  I am someone that loves unconditionally, no matter who you are, if you’re in my life.  I will sacrifice and give all of what I have to make sure friends, family, lovers or acquaintances are happy.  If I have it in my power to make it happen, I do what I can.

Why does the ability to love have to be a bad thing?  Why does that have to make people uncomfortable and make me look like a lunatic?  Why can’t we all just have a loving spiritual connection with the people in our lives without it being awkward or having to explain it?  “Why can’t we all just get along?”

I would fully understand if I had only known someone a short amount of time and I professed my undying love for them and then camped out on their lawn with a wedding officiant!

I guess the real issue is “Why am I talking to another broken man?”  See?  This is what happens when you meet someone in “the public” and try to get to know them over text.  My social anxiety and overthinking won’t allow him to come to my house.  I can’t go to his house because of his recent breakup and everyone moving.  So we’re left to text like we’re hiding something.  THERE IS NOTHING TO HIDE!   All I want is that Cheesecake Date and see what happens!  LOL Chubby girl wants her dessert!

Now I get to decide if this is worth the hassle.  Do I cut this off now before it gets too much further and save us both the hassle of this daily struggle to communicate?  We just don’t communicate in the same manner.  Or go with the flow and stop overthinking it?  Or panic and go buy all the kittens and just be that lady in the neighborhood.

GET OFF MY LAWN!

The struggle is real, folks.

I’m officially over trying to meet people spontaneously on the street etc.  I rarely leave my house except for work or the occasional libation with my friends.  This leaves my options limited to non-existent.

I did the “mix the <insert genital term> with the paycheck” thing.  That takes a special relationship with 2 mature and grown adults who know how to separate business/personal/pleasure.  If you start bringing your drama to work, it will fail epically and you have to be comfortable and secure enough to understand the theory of “work wife/husband” and not turn into some rabbit boiling psycho!  Regardless, there’s no one at work that I want to date..  (that I would admit to anyway)

I’m not big on picking people up in bars/nightclubs/etc.  I am too damn old for nightclubs and I look like a newborn giraffe when I try to dance.  Meeting someone in a place where alcohol is prominent simply shows you who the alcoholics are (zip it… I can quit any time LOL), who the psychos are, who the stalkers are, and who the WEIRDOS are!  It’s a rare occasion that you’ll meet someone to make a lifetime connection with at your local watering hole.  That’s not to say that I don’t flirt my ass off and enjoy some entertainment and conversation!

I decided to try online dating… UGH.. it has come to this.  I flat out refuse to just sit at home any longer and it’s time to move on and have fun and meet someone deserving, willing, and appreciative of my time and effort.

Let’s go through some of the obstacles:

• Age/Sex/location- no biggie here… except, I’m not driving to hell’s half acre with what little time that I have.  If you’re more than 35 miles or more away… this isn’t going to work.  Tried it… it was a disaster.  I need your time.
• Current relations status – This opens up a whole can of worms.  Do I want someone who has never been married?  Why haven’t they been married?  Divorced?  How recently?  Separated? WHY ARE YOU EVEN ON HERE?  No answer?  Why?  Does your wife know what you do in the den while she sleeps?
• Smoker/Drinker – How honest are we about this?  I’m a strict non-smoker (nicotene products in general).  I drink daily for the most part but I’m not falling down drunk and running down the street naked.  No one wants to see that!  LOL  But am I social drinker and I’m just extra social or am I a moderate drinker and now everyone thinks I’m a booze hound?
• Screen name – Use  my own name?  Use a screen name from another online profile? (I went with this option… probably not best, but..)  How clever are they?  Do they know how to use the Google machine?  *note to self, Googled myself… whoops*
• Profile photos – This one cracks me up.  These photos have to be engaging, welcoming, flattering, and in a nutshell  HOT.  Without being provocative!  I personally left out my animals, my kids, exes, etc… I don’t think most got the memo on this tidbit of info.
• Hometown/Current location – Hmm… how badly do you want a stalker?
• Children – Want them? Have them? Yeah, again, I have kids but they don’t live at home but I wouldn’t want some creep picking me out of a lineup so they can prey upon my kids!  Again, most didn’t get this tidbit of info and overshare.  Do I want to raise more kids?  I probably screwed mine up from ever being repaired.. do you really want me around your littlins?
• Pets – They should include an allergy button on this one.  Or in general.  LOL  I have dogs but what if I’m allergic to cats?
• Like/Interests – *eye roll* so generic and honestly, I love hiking but my bum knee prevents it!
• Physical Appearance – Umm… my version of average and yours may not be the same.  I’m not obese (I don’t think) but I’m not a runway model that is starving for a cheeseburger either!  I love food!  But I’m smart about it.
• Profile Intro – This is where you can tell everyone what you think will draw people in.  I’ve had to edit mine about 7 times since the original.  This has prompted some very interesting message from some HUGE ASSHOLES… LOL  Some other folks may want to go in and edit theirs too!

Needless to say, I get a “list” of possible matches every morning and oh the thoughts that go through my mind when I scroll…

He has bodies in his basement.

He lives with his mom.

He’s on drugs.

He’s a gang banger.

He’s a serial killer/rapist

Does his wife know he’s on here?

Does he own clothing?

Does he own personal hygiene tools?

Is he homeless?

When is the last time he went for a haircut?

PLAYER!

Wife beater.

Can’t hold his liquor/Alcoholic

Put your tongue back in your mouth!  Who told you that was sexy?

Unemployed

He drives a van with “free puppies/candy” on the side

Tattoos on your face?  Are you Mike Tyson?

Please have someone show you how to take a selfie!

We get it .. you work out.

Oh… that escalated quickly from your 20’s to your 60’s!

Awe!  He’s adorable… wait.. too many other problems!

Ooooh… hit that heart!  Let’s see what happens!!!!  *please don’t be a psycho serial killer*

So here we are… Fielding hundreds of profiles to find maybe 3 people that I MIGHT be compatible with… nasty messages.. impatient or pushy people (who get blocked).. I’ve had extended conversations with a few people.  Less than one percent of what I see.    One told me his current wife has a personality disorder and is a horrible person to him and his daughter… umm… nope.  I see that going sideways, QUICKLY!  One who said maybe 2 things to me and immediately wanted to go for drinks… and yet at least one that is a good conversationalist so far, attractive (to me), employed, and witty/funny.

What the hell… let’s give it a whirl!  What’s the worst that can happen?

CHECK BACK OFTEN AND MAKE SURE I HAVEN’T FALLEN PREY TO A SERIAL KILLER!