25 years later.. same song and dance

“Big” is what we’ll call him.  If you know the reference, you’ll understand the torturous roller coaster that is associated with that name.  He knows I call him this (moreso that his contact info in my phone is John James Preston) as of last week and oddly knew exactly who I was talking about.  Not sure if I’m more impressed or appalled that he was probably taking notes for years on best game play.

I met Big in 1994.  I hated him at first because he was making some tramp “ugly cry” in the bathroom where he was a bouncer.  Seems at some point he took an interest in me one evening and asked if I’d have a drink with him sometime.  Reluctantly, I did.  After that drink… I was smitten.  Smitten makes it sound sweet and innocent.  What I actually turned into was an insane stalker!  I don’t say that with pride.  I didn’t even know what a stalker was at that time.  Not even sure they had even coined that term yet.  I am mortified by how ridiculously obsessed I was with him over the years.

We did this dance for a few months and then  my dumb ass asked him to marry me.  Jesus… I can’t even imagine how psycho I seemed back then.  I genuinely was so in love with him and didn’t want to spend another day without him.  He said “yes” and then 2 years later he was beating feet to get away from me.  I can’t blame him..

Unfortunately, over the course of the next 10 years, he would drag me along with bits and pieces of his time and attention.  I, in turn, would drop whatever/whomever I was doing at the time to have him back.  At one point, I decided to get away from him and moved to a city an hour away.  It didn’t stop the phone calls and emails though.. (I probably still have emails from him back then… I may go look for some of them).  There isn’t enough space on this blog for all of the emotional torture that this man repeatedly put me through and I continued to take from him.

He talked me into moving back and moving in with him in 2003.  And my stupid ass went.  He told me that as long as I paid my own bills and half of the household bills, I didn’t have to work.  Rent was dirt cheap then and I really had no other bills.  Easy breezy!  Except that in less than 90 days, he decided to start shutting off utilities.  I only figured this out because I knew I paid the bills and when I’d call the companies, they’d tell me that they hadn’t touched anything.  Water was shut off twice… electricity once… It finally occurred to my dumb ass that he wanted us out. (Me and my 2 daughters!).  I had uprooted our lives to start this life with him and he bailed in less time than it would take to get through orientation at most companies!

That shit sucked.  Homeless with 2 daughters.  No family to turn to… no real support system.  Thank goodness a friend was deployed to Afghanistan and wasn’t using his home… so for the next 3 months, I was looking for jobs, and a place to live, while raising 2 grade school aged daughters and trying to maintain my sanity.

A year later (I am skipping so much) he was asking me to marry him.  My stupid ass said yes.  I thought he had finally seen the light.  HA!  I was now enrolled in college and had my own little stalker that I had to have kicked out of the school and Big called off the engagement because I took care of that myself instead of letting him handle it.  He always handled stuff for me and to this day… he still does.

Needless to say, I finally got away from him and moved back to the city an hour away.  He would text occasionally “I miss you.  You’ll always be my girl.  I’ll always love you.  My heart will always belong to you.”  My response is always the same… “I don’t blame you, I’m pretty fucking fantastic!”  I wasn’t about to feed into any of this and get sucked back in.

He moved states away a year ago… I was happy for him!  He came back for a week last week and wanted to see me.  I struggled with this for so long (he told me he was coming in July).  He wanted to see me but I wasn’t sure I wanted to see him.  I folded and drove to see him several times last week.  It was a nice visit.  The chemistry is still there after all of these years, minus the stupidity.  Well… my stupidity.  He was full of the feels and is talking about marriage, moving to Denver with me, making a life, growing old, etc etc etc etc etc…  By the time the weekend ended, I was exhausted with the battle in my head.  I am way too smart to get back into this at this point in my life.  Just to be miserable, lonely, and thrown away when he gets bored.

I’ve always loved him in some way.  He has no idea what it’s like to truly love anyone except himself.  I don’t say that to be mean, it’s a fact.  I’ve known about every single girlfriend he’s had in 25+ years and know his ex wife.  He doesn’t know about compromise, sacrifice, selflessness, all encompassing passion, honesty…  The only thing he’s good at is making promises and breaking them, great sex, and the ability to bullshit…  Everyone around us last week kept asking when we were getting married, moving in together, rekindling this romance… I get it… they see the surface.  They don’t see the 25 years of pain he has caused me and my daughters.

I don’t see myself going back to this.  Ever.  My feelings over the years have changed, matured, evolved, and died in some cases.  All of the counseling in the world can’t fix this.  All of the texting, phone conversations, and visits won’t fix it either.

The tables have officially turned.  I don’t have it in me to hurt him.. but I’m also not going to fling the doors open on my heart and soul, ever again.  For him or anyone else.  He built so many walls around me that even in my best relationships, I’m never fully invested.  I just can’t.  I take that back.  I fully invested in Jim.  MISTAKE.  So… no more fully invested for ANYONE!  Rather be alone.


**** If you made it this far, I commend you and honestly, this is only the tip top of a titanic sized iceberg that is our story.  I seriously need to write a book.

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