When it comes to the relationships in my life, I mostly feel like a baker… I prepare the goods, on demand, in the quantities needed, at the right temperature, and freshness guaranteed.   You want a 7 layer cake with a different filling/frosting on each layer?  Got it… you want a unicorn on top that shits sprinkles ??  No problem!  Nothing too big or too small is out of question.

Unfortunately, that mentality sometimes attracts the shittiest of people in my life.  People who “take” repeatedly but aren’t willing to “give” when the time comes.  Most of the time, I make excuses for these people and simply remember that the only person that I can ever truly depend on is me.  There are a few exceptions to this, like anything else…

I’ve recently ( in the past year ) decided to start sticking up for myself and ridding my life of the gluttons who only want to give me crumbs but expect me to be at their beckon call.  My circle of friends is so incredibly small these days.  Real friends have always been such a foreign concept to me.  I’ve never been good at making them or keeping them.  It takes a special kind of person to be able to tolerate me, I know, but I don’t ask for much from anyone.

Having such a small circle of friends, and those friends living far away, presents a level of loneliness that is so overwhelming and glaringly unavoidable that the last several months have been nearly unbearable.  It’s getting worse by the day so I’m having to face that there’s clearly something wrong with me or how I perceive “friendship”.  All relationships for that matter.  I don’t speak to anyone in my family except my sister…

Looking inward when you’ve never really had a high self-esteem is the worst.  You pick apart every single detail of every interaction to find the point in which you blew it.  Regardless if the relationship ending was your fault at all, you’ll find one little speck of pepper in a bowl of sugar and convince yourself that THAT ONE MOMENT.. THAT ONE COMMENT.. THAT ONE ACTION… THAT ONE PERSON (YOU) are to blame.   YOU are the common denominator.

So what is my problem?  How do I fix it?

Getting closer to acceptance and moving on every day.  I have to remind myself that I loved him.  I still love him and will probably always love him (or the “him” in my mind that clearly didn’t exist).

I have to remind myself that if he truly loved me, he would’ve stuck around and tried to work on it instead of up and just leaving without any dialogue.  He never communicated with me about real things.  I’m not psychic.  Although I have a higher sensitivity to things, I can read minds.

I know my heart, what it’s capable of, what it wants, and what it needs.  I never seemed to know any of this with him.  He always kept me close enough but still at arms length.  I’ve begun to realize that I was simply a hobby..  something for him to fill the time when he didn’t have something else to do.  I just always seemed to “feel” that he loved me.  I never questioned it.  Maybe I should’ve a lot sooner.

He’s going to wake up one day and realize what I was willing to give him.  I hope he looks back fondly … and then stays the fuck away from me.   I will remember all of this and the treatment he has given me just in the past week.  I forgive him but I’m not stupid enough to ever go back.

Now, I just need to be able to live my life daily without crying over him, the memories, or the loss.  It’s going to be fine.  Everything is going to be fine.