The healing has started

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Getting closer to acceptance and moving on every day.  I have to remind myself that I loved him.  I still love him and will probably always love him (or the “him” in my mind that clearly didn’t exist).

I have to remind myself that if he truly loved me, he would’ve stuck around and tried to work on it instead of up and just leaving without any dialogue.  He never communicated with me about real things.  I’m not psychic.  Although I have a higher sensitivity to things, I can read minds.

I know my heart, what it’s capable of, what it wants, and what it needs.  I never seemed to know any of this with him.  He always kept me close enough but still at arms length.  I’ve begun to realize that I was simply a hobby..  something for him to fill the time when he didn’t have something else to do.  I just always seemed to “feel” that he loved me.  I never questioned it.  Maybe I should’ve a lot sooner.

He’s going to wake up one day and realize what I was willing to give him.  I hope he looks back fondly … and then stays the fuck away from me.   I will remember all of this and the treatment he has given me just in the past week.  I forgive him but I’m not stupid enough to ever go back.

Now, I just need to be able to live my life daily without crying over him, the memories, or the loss.  It’s going to be fine.  Everything is going to be fine.

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