I’ve been tasked (yet again) with writing a process doc for a new product so that the minions can successfully configure and troubleshoot a POS device.  Seeing as how I’m not a “Process Analyst,” I’m not exactly sure how I keep getting roped into this, but as much as I loathe it… I like doing it.  It’s a nice break in my daily duties.

HOWEVER!  I do NOT like trying to decipher an original process doc that is a pile of shit to read and try to follow.  Case in point, the doc I’m working on now… the person who wrote this, from the vendor’s team, outlined it like she was talking inside her head… Not delivering a working document to a customer or specific audience.

I am not an expert on writing, but I do pretty well at holding my own.  I’m a bit of a grammar nazi, sometimes, and spelling inaccuracies drive me BATTY!  This doc that I’m writing must be dumbed down to kindergarten (glue eating, crayon drawing, window licking, hair pulling, temper tantrum throwing) level.  Oh joy.  The original doc was written by someone with an accent that I can’t understand while on conference calls, and it uses words that aren’t familiar to most English speaking Americans… Who uses the word “Paramaterizing” or “Paramaterized”?  Seriously… just writing that caused my editor to consider it misspelled.  It had no suggestion on a replacement word either.

My boss, whom I love dearly – especially today after a raving mid-year review, is critiquing my document as I go and is making me dumb it down even further.  I’m guessing that he now will expect a toddler to understand this in between eating boogers and redecorating mirrors with maxi-pads.

What started out as a deciphered and less confusing 34 page document will now be a 100 page babbling, drooling, and shitty mess if I don’t get some clarification from the vendor on WHAT THE FUCK, WHERE THE FUCK, WHEN THE FUCK, HOW THE FUCK, and WHO THE FUCK is doing/going/coming/saying/changing/inputting etc.

OH!  And I forgot to mention that our contact for the vendor is in the “Belgium Time Zone” and I’m in the Eastern Time Zone.  Coordinating schedules and calls are so much fun when you’re 6 hours behind the person that you are trying to work with.

Back at it, I guess, so that my end of year review will be even more glowing (and might I add – USELESS).

Now, I wait for someone in another country to make time … or someone in this country (on the west coast) to try and get me to work a 15 hour day.  THAT ain’t happening!  I like the overtime pay, but I need to have a life too… there is a beer and a tequila shot that will be waiting on me at my favorite watering hole, promptly at 4:37 or whenever I let my adorable bartender know I’m on my way to see her!  Yes.  She’s mine.  ALL MINE!

Yay me that I get thrown into learning new software from different vendors for a new product.  Nevermind that I can’t understand a damn word the developers say, but they sent us a process doc that is ALL SORTS OF BANGED UP!

(To prove a point, I should write the rest of this without vowels, but I won’t torture you)

Naming conventions in I.T. are much like the password to your cell phone, e-mail, PC, garage door opener….  If it’s off even remotely, SHIT DON’T WORK!  So… here’s what I’m fighting with:

cntrl2_cntrl1_email@<random e-mail>.com

So…  that first “cntrl” looks a lot like the second, RIGHT?

First “cntrl” is CONTROL.
Second “cntrl” is CENTRAL

Now… I try to take my Captain Obvious pill every morning… pretty sure I took it this morning… Seems my pill was missing some very important vitamins… Like E, A, and… is O a vitamin?

There are days when I wonder WHY I got into this field.  Then I look at my paycheck… and still wonder.

Tomorrow I get to start the madness and confusion all over again!  I can hardly contain my excitement.

In an attempt to build team (insert whatever pc word for pretending to like your coworkers), management decided to have a “hot dog” picnic of sorts.  I say “of sorts” because that’s all that is being served and it’s inside.  There is no picnic basket, picnic table, picnic blanket, or BOOZE!   Also, it’s being held at 10 am.

I am one of four women on these 2 teams.  Women, as a rule, should not be forced to eat a hot dog around 30 men at work.

As a woman, and usually considered the team mom… I try to be diversified when planning a potluck or picnic.  Unfortunately, for once (although I’m tired of always coordinating), I was not the one planning/coordinating/executing said wiener festivities.  Leave it to a bunch of IT Geek Men to have tunnel vision when it comes to food.  There are no sides (unless you count 2 bags of chips and a bag of pretzels).  One of the girls was nice enough to bring Blueberry Cake (don’t ask me, I have no idea, haven’t tasted it yet).  Other than that… oh wait, there’s nothing other than that.

GO TEAM!

So glad I brought leftover spaghetti.

So.. to get started.. let’s learn a few things about me.

I have 3 kids:
Kolton – 23
Katarinna – 21
Karlie – 18

I have a grandson, Thomas (who I will from this point on, refer to as Squiggle), who is almost 3.

My significant other, Jim, is my high school sweetheart.  Not like “Oooh, he was a football player, and I was a cheerleader, and we were voted most likely to succeed!”  No.  We dated here and there in high school, a couple of times out of high school, and then we didn’t speak for 20 years.  Now we’ve been together almost 2 years.  I’ll expand on that closer to our anniversary in a couple of weeks.

I have a dog.  A 4lb Chihuahua.  She’s a lover, to me and a few other people, otherwise she’s an absolute terror on 4 paws and although she only has about 6 teeth in her whole head, will rip your face off in a hot minute.  Little bitch.

I have a job in Telecomm that I have mixed feelings about but I’ve been here for 8 years and I’ve pretty much left myself little other choice since this is all I know after getting my Associates Degree in IT/Tech Services in 2006.

I own my own house that I would rather sell than deal with at the moment.  I don’t need a house that big anymore and it’s a reminder that the kids are grown and don’t spend near as much time there as I want.

I have a handful of friends.  True friends.  Friends that I would die for and think they would return that sentiment.  I could be wrong on some of them… you just never know about people these days.

I am very open minded.  I’m PRO everything (mostly).  Marry who you want, screw who you want, love who you want, vote for who you want, think what you want, do with your body as you choose, and live life how you please.  If you’re happy.. I’m happy.

I’m a bit jaded and angry one day and all hippie dippie flowers, love, peace, blah blah blah the next.  Today I’m jaded and angry, but that’s another blog.

I’ve recently had medical issues with my knee, so my level of physical activity is in the gutter.  I do physical therapy about three times a week right now until yet ANOTHER surgery happens.  I’m guessing I’ll be in physical therapy for the foreseeable future.  WHICH SUCKS.  I miss being skinny, active, and energetic.  Getting old is no joke.

I would rather be out with friends or do something with someone than be alone.  I really don’t enjoy being alone at all ,.. until someone has been up my ass for an extended period of time and then I crave it.  It’s a conundrum of epic proportions some days.  COME HERE…  TALK TO ME… BE HERE… SPEND TIME…. NO!  GO AWAY!  I NEED SPACE!!!

I love people as a whole, but most of them annoy the shit out of me and I’d rather just avoid all contact with them or vent on here about their inept personalities rather than confront them directly.  I hate confrontation.  I think it’s a confidence thing.  I perfectly confident in my head that they are idiots.. but then when I have to back it up with facts (which I have in my head), I trip over my face and freeze up.

I’m scatterbrained, A.D.D (if you don’t have it, don’t criticize), love to travel, love food, love drink, love most things that society thinks are wrong for that matter, and opinionated.  All of which, and then some, will come out in my blogs.

Welcome to me!  Sit back, grab a drink, and tighten that seat belt.  It’s going to be a ride, FO SHO!

After years of thinking Facebook was the end-all beat-all of social networking, I’m a bit fed up with “society” as a whole and really need to get back to what I used to love… BLOGGING.  Facebook, although entertaining and a great avenue for my venting/cheering/humor/photos, has left me a little empty on the human connection side of life.  Odd, really, if you think about it.  I had a decent amount of “friends” … most of which I never saw or heard from outside of FB.  To call them “friends” is quite a stretch since very few of them know anything about me on an intimate level, and isn’t that what we’re all looking for in the long run?

Recently, I’ve realized that I need a real life, a hobby or two, and some real friends with some substance who also bring something to the table and treat me with some priority like I do everyone else.  The people in my life that I thought were friends, and whom I put on a pedestal regularly, are the same people who could give two sh*ts about me, my life, the people in it, or anything else about me.  I’m barely a second thought to them.

I know this sounds like whining, and maybe it is… maybe I should be going to a counselor and wasting tons of money on some jack wagon to analyze me based on what little information I choose to share with them.  I find that writing down what is going on in my life tends to open my mind up to resolutions that I can’t seem to come to on FB.  In a nutshell… FACEBOOK HAS DUMBED ME DOWN AND DOES NOT WORK FOR ME RIGHT NOW.  In the MYSPACE days I had TONS of followers on my blogs and it felt good to let go of stuff when I was done writing.  It was very freeing for me.  I pissed a lot of people off, made them laugh, made them cry, and gave them a view into my world and an opportunity to see things from a different and unique perspective.

So here I am.  This will get some getting used to, since I haven’t done this for years.  Bear with me as I get started.

Feel free to click on BLOGS above to read more!