I’ve been tasked (yet again) with writing a process doc for a new product so that the minions can successfully configure and troubleshoot a POS device.  Seeing as how I’m not a “Process Analyst,” I’m not exactly sure how I keep getting roped into this, but as much as I loathe it… I like doing it.  It’s a nice break in my daily duties.

HOWEVER!  I do NOT like trying to decipher an original process doc that is a pile of shit to read and try to follow.  Case in point, the doc I’m working on now… the person who wrote this, from the vendor’s team, outlined it like she was talking inside her head… Not delivering a working document to a customer or specific audience.

I am not an expert on writing, but I do pretty well at holding my own.  I’m a bit of a grammar nazi, sometimes, and spelling inaccuracies drive me BATTY!  This doc that I’m writing must be dumbed down to kindergarten (glue eating, crayon drawing, window licking, hair pulling, temper tantrum throwing) level.  Oh joy.  The original doc was written by someone with an accent that I can’t understand while on conference calls, and it uses words that aren’t familiar to most English speaking Americans… Who uses the word “Paramaterizing” or “Paramaterized”?  Seriously… just writing that caused my editor to consider it misspelled.  It had no suggestion on a replacement word either.

My boss, whom I love dearly – especially today after a raving mid-year review, is critiquing my document as I go and is making me dumb it down even further.  I’m guessing that he now will expect a toddler to understand this in between eating boogers and redecorating mirrors with maxi-pads.

What started out as a deciphered and less confusing 34 page document will now be a 100 page babbling, drooling, and shitty mess if I don’t get some clarification from the vendor on WHAT THE FUCK, WHERE THE FUCK, WHEN THE FUCK, HOW THE FUCK, and WHO THE FUCK is doing/going/coming/saying/changing/inputting etc.

OH!  And I forgot to mention that our contact for the vendor is in the “Belgium Time Zone” and I’m in the Eastern Time Zone.  Coordinating schedules and calls are so much fun when you’re 6 hours behind the person that you are trying to work with.

Back at it, I guess, so that my end of year review will be even more glowing (and might I add – USELESS).

Now, I wait for someone in another country to make time … or someone in this country (on the west coast) to try and get me to work a 15 hour day.  THAT ain’t happening!  I like the overtime pay, but I need to have a life too… there is a beer and a tequila shot that will be waiting on me at my favorite watering hole, promptly at 4:37 or whenever I let my adorable bartender know I’m on my way to see her!  Yes.  She’s mine.  ALL MINE!