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The last month…

Compared to my last post, this one will have a far different tone.

I went to the local Reiki Center that following Friday for any kind of help I could get from anyone who was willing.  Let me preface this by stating that I am very sensitive .. meaning, if I see your name, face, anything about you and it gives me even the slightest pause, I am moving on.  I tried looking into conventional therapy but couldn’t find a provider that was what I needed or that gave me the warm and fuzzies.  When I found LJ on the Reiki Center website… I just knew.

I was 20 minutes early to my appointment with her and had NO IDEA what was going to happen or what I was getting myself into.  I did quickly locate the tissues because tears simply were flowing from me without any breaks or warning.  I went in for an Emotional Focused Therapy (and some sort of “tapping”).  LJ quickly sensed that there was a flood of “shit” to get through and literally looked at me and said “I want you to verbal vomit all over me.”

I did.

For once, someone got me and listened intently and offered hope.  I left that appointment feeling like a new person.  The crying stopped immediately.  I felt so much weight lifted off of me that I texted her 2 days later to thank her for the “Sneaky Reiki” that I was certain she had performed while I was trying to choke back tears and speak clearly.

She offered insight into me as a person that I never knew.  The next day, I went to an expo that I fondly have called Hippie Fest.  I try to go every year but I knew I needed to go this time.  I love them and hate them all the same.  They are exhausting for me.  People suck my good energy and leave me a pile of goo every time I go.

This time was different.  I barely looked at anyone, anything, didn’t speak… A few people forced themselves into my space and I was polite but slightly irritated.  Except one woman.  She had these resin pyramids with crystals and stones stacked in them… Her husband told me to put my hand over the largest one.  I rolled my eyes and did it… to entertain him.  I quickly let him know that these things never have any effect on me.  He looked dead at me and said “That’s because you’re highly sensitive”… Something LJ had just said to me the day before.  He told me to come back later and he’d give me a reading.
I went back.  Boy did I go back.  I beat feet trying to find his booth again.  Listen, when I say the pull was so forceful, it was like a 50lb magnet.  I didn’t even look at other readers all day and chalked it up to one of the times that I left without a reading.  It happens.  I just don’t get a vibe from most people.  And if I don’t get the right feeling… I’m not giving you my money.  I’ve had good and bad readings over the years but this was the 2nd time that I was at the event and couldn’t leave until I spoke to someone.  He gave me the most interesting reading.  It started off AWFUL and he begged me to restart it… I told him to go with it, I needed to hear what he had to say.  I saved most of the reading on my phone and wish I hadn’t turned my phone off so soon.

These 2 days lit a fire under me to move towards a more positive outlook, let go of the pain in my past, feel ZERO guilt about protecting my peace, and simply be happy again.

I have cried ONE TIME since that weekend.  ONCE.  I’m going to have my moments, but I am so much better than I was a month ago.  No more lying in bed crying myself to sleep.  I’ve cleaned the house, shampooed the carpets in my bedroom, started laundry, COOKED… all the things that I’ve needed to do but too depressed to mess with.

Oh… and I may have met some new people that are putting some additional joy in my life… I keep them at a distance for now but it’s nice that I am back to meeting people and laughing again.

I guess we’ll see!

Begging for peace

I am not religious by any stretch of the imagination and don’t believe in the racket they call organized religion.  What I do believe is that there are energies in place to help or harm.  There is a higher power in play, although I have no idea what/who it is and honestly it’s of no consequence to me except to know that I have no power against the universe.

I do sometimes speak to the universe in my own way.  Last night, it was curled up in the fetal position, asking for answers and to make the pain stop.  Not gonna lie… dying seemed like a welcome peace to me.  Not in a suicidal way, more of a “I am desperate to forget him and move on” kind of way and have not found a way to move on at all during the last 5 months.

I wish I were more like him or anyone I know that is strong enough to quickly get past emotions and get on with life.  This has literally broken me and my heart and I struggle every single day to not cry.  I was doing well for a couple of weeks, I was distracted with people and activities, but lately I’ve been so alone.  I try to get out of the house, but the weekends end up being a drunken night on Friday, hungover on Saturday, and miserably depressed on Sunday.  During the week, once I’m home… I’m  home.  Lights off, windows and curtains closed, something stupid on TV to drown out the crying.

I’ve resolved to trying to see some kind of practitioner.  Not a doctor that will dope me up on bullshit meds that turn me into a bigger psycho, or will make me feel nothing at all.  I’m going to go to a holistic healer (or one of them) and start the process of getting all of the negativity in my head, the pain in my heart, and the anger all dealt with.

I have zero desire to have fun, be around anyone, or do anything at all for that matter, most days.  I force myself, against the anxiety, some days, but mostly I’m a mess.

I don’t talk to anyone about what is really going on in my head or heart because.. let’s face it… people don’t give a fuck about anyone but themselves anymore.  Friends are superficial at best and in name only.  Everyone has their own shit they’re going through and no one wants more added onto it.  I don’t blame them.  I don’t even want to deal with my shit, why would they want to?

I do have to get back to a happy place.  I need to be excited about life again.  I need something to look forward to and the motivation to make it all happen.  I can’t continue on living this way.  It’s killing me.

I suppose I should be flattered..

Embarrassingly enough, I joined a dating app (which I’ve written about before).  So far, it’s slim pickins.  It even got to the point that the app stopped suggesting people because I had literally “X”d through almost 99%.  I’ve gotten hundreds of likes from people who clearly didn’t read my profile.  They see my pictures and jump on the opportunity and hope against all odds that I’ll “heart” them back or even say hello.  I rarely do.

Saw a profile of someone that liked me, they were attractive, their profile was interesting, so I liked back.  Crickets for over a month and then out of the blue yesterday he joked that he hoped I liked younger men.  I typically do not.  I don’t have the patience for the antics but he seemed relatively sane so I replied that I was more concerned that he liked “older ladies”… yes, not women, ladies.  Trying to send my own message.

His reply was “are you at all interested in a purely sexual relationship.  I don’t expect anything from you.  I’m here to please.  I’m very good with my tongue.”

DOES THIS SHIT WORK???  Umm… tempting… but one night stands and random sex with guys is not how I work at all.  Of course, my options these days are extremely limited/non-existent, but I just can’t bring myself to be one of those people.

This wasn’t the first time, this weekend, that a scenario like this presented itself.

Friday night I went out with my neighbors to have dinner and drinks and laugh at some Karaoke… When karaoke started, this very attractive man “V” sang a Prince song.  He sang it very well… I was feelin it… He sang a few songs and I loved all of them.  He sat down to talk with all of us and eventually asked me to speak alone.  I was flattered.  We exchanged pleasantries for a few minutes and BAM he hits me with “Hey, I have a room at the Hyatt downtown, you should come hang!”  I politely explained that “I’m not that kind of lady”… he claims to have meant no “intentions” and that he thought I was cool and wanted to hang out.  Umm… this isn’t my first day on the planet.  We could hang out just fine where we were if that is what he wanted.  He promptly disappeared.

This is exactly why I’m avoiding the whole dating scene.  I am too old fashioned for today’s scene.  I still believe in courting, flowers, opening doors, etc etc.  I want romance.  Not some mystery trying to figure out someone’s last name after being ravished for 20 minutes.

25 years later.. same song and dance

“Big” is what we’ll call him.  If you know the reference, you’ll understand the torturous roller coaster that is associated with that name.  He knows I call him this (moreso that his contact info in my phone is John James Preston) as of last week and oddly knew exactly who I was talking about.  Not sure if I’m more impressed or appalled that he was probably taking notes for years on best game play.

I met Big in 1994.  I hated him at first because he was making some tramp “ugly cry” in the bathroom where he was a bouncer.  Seems at some point he took an interest in me one evening and asked if I’d have a drink with him sometime.  Reluctantly, I did.  After that drink… I was smitten.  Smitten makes it sound sweet and innocent.  What I actually turned into was an insane stalker!  I don’t say that with pride.  I didn’t even know what a stalker was at that time.  Not even sure they had even coined that term yet.  I am mortified by how ridiculously obsessed I was with him over the years.

We did this dance for a few months and then  my dumb ass asked him to marry me.  Jesus… I can’t even imagine how psycho I seemed back then.  I genuinely was so in love with him and didn’t want to spend another day without him.  He said “yes” and then 2 years later he was beating feet to get away from me.  I can’t blame him..

Unfortunately, over the course of the next 10 years, he would drag me along with bits and pieces of his time and attention.  I, in turn, would drop whatever/whomever I was doing at the time to have him back.  At one point, I decided to get away from him and moved to a city an hour away.  It didn’t stop the phone calls and emails though.. (I probably still have emails from him back then… I may go look for some of them).  There isn’t enough space on this blog for all of the emotional torture that this man repeatedly put me through and I continued to take from him.

He talked me into moving back and moving in with him in 2003.  And my stupid ass went.  He told me that as long as I paid my own bills and half of the household bills, I didn’t have to work.  Rent was dirt cheap then and I really had no other bills.  Easy breezy!  Except that in less than 90 days, he decided to start shutting off utilities.  I only figured this out because I knew I paid the bills and when I’d call the companies, they’d tell me that they hadn’t touched anything.  Water was shut off twice… electricity once… It finally occurred to my dumb ass that he wanted us out. (Me and my 2 daughters!).  I had uprooted our lives to start this life with him and he bailed in less time than it would take to get through orientation at most companies!

That shit sucked.  Homeless with 2 daughters.  No family to turn to… no real support system.  Thank goodness a friend was deployed to Afghanistan and wasn’t using his home… so for the next 3 months, I was looking for jobs, and a place to live, while raising 2 grade school aged daughters and trying to maintain my sanity.

A year later (I am skipping so much) he was asking me to marry him.  My stupid ass said yes.  I thought he had finally seen the light.  HA!  I was now enrolled in college and had my own little stalker that I had to have kicked out of the school and Big called off the engagement because I took care of that myself instead of letting him handle it.  He always handled stuff for me and to this day… he still does.

Needless to say, I finally got away from him and moved back to the city an hour away.  He would text occasionally “I miss you.  You’ll always be my girl.  I’ll always love you.  My heart will always belong to you.”  My response is always the same… “I don’t blame you, I’m pretty fucking fantastic!”  I wasn’t about to feed into any of this and get sucked back in.

He moved states away a year ago… I was happy for him!  He came back for a week last week and wanted to see me.  I struggled with this for so long (he told me he was coming in July).  He wanted to see me but I wasn’t sure I wanted to see him.  I folded and drove to see him several times last week.  It was a nice visit.  The chemistry is still there after all of these years, minus the stupidity.  Well… my stupidity.  He was full of the feels and is talking about marriage, moving to Denver with me, making a life, growing old, etc etc etc etc etc…  By the time the weekend ended, I was exhausted with the battle in my head.  I am way too smart to get back into this at this point in my life.  Just to be miserable, lonely, and thrown away when he gets bored.

I’ve always loved him in some way.  He has no idea what it’s like to truly love anyone except himself.  I don’t say that to be mean, it’s a fact.  I’ve known about every single girlfriend he’s had in 25+ years and know his ex wife.  He doesn’t know about compromise, sacrifice, selflessness, all encompassing passion, honesty…  The only thing he’s good at is making promises and breaking them, great sex, and the ability to bullshit…  Everyone around us last week kept asking when we were getting married, moving in together, rekindling this romance… I get it… they see the surface.  They don’t see the 25 years of pain he has caused me and my daughters.

I don’t see myself going back to this.  Ever.  My feelings over the years have changed, matured, evolved, and died in some cases.  All of the counseling in the world can’t fix this.  All of the texting, phone conversations, and visits won’t fix it either.

The tables have officially turned.  I don’t have it in me to hurt him.. but I’m also not going to fling the doors open on my heart and soul, ever again.  For him or anyone else.  He built so many walls around me that even in my best relationships, I’m never fully invested.  I just can’t.  I take that back.  I fully invested in Jim.  MISTAKE.  So… no more fully invested for ANYONE!  Rather be alone.

 

**** If you made it this far, I commend you and honestly, this is only the tip top of a titanic sized iceberg that is our story.  I seriously need to write a book.

I’m officially THAT age…

It turns out that a number of things that I swore I would never do in life are now presenting themselves and I’m now forced to rethink how I view things.

My weekend was a lot of horrible life decisions that I’m really not all that torn up about making.  I didn’t hurt anyone, including myself, and I had a lot of fun!  Are they decisions that normal sane people would make?  Nope, not a snowball’s chance in hell, in most cases.  But… I’m the captain of this shit show of a ship, so I threw caution to the wind.  Will I do it all over again, maybe not on one or 2 details, but for the most part… sure, what the hell!  I’m a grown adult, right?  No one to answer to..

One of the decisions I made needed some consulting with my youngest daughter.  In confidence, of course.  I picked her to consult because of her free spirit and her usual lack of judgement regarding life choices.  She knows me, my heart, and how I think and sometimes her level head and open-minded approach to life is exactly what I need.  Boy, did she come through.  I’m sometimes too uptight for my own good, so it feels good to get permission or validation from other people.

Other activities over the weekend weren’t discussed with anyone and probably for the best.  They were spur of the moment decisions.  One I won’t do again and another, I hope to do a lot more of, if it all works out.  VAGUE MUCH?  Yes… yes I am.  Let your mind run wild (comment your craziest thoughts on this and let’s talk!).

The fact that I, at 46, felt the need to consult my 21 yr old about anything made me feel old, out of touch, and boring.  Yesterday, I had to ask her what “Hot Girl Summer” meant.  Turns out I’m having one.. LOL  When it gets to the point that I have to ask her how to fly a hover machine… I’m going to ask her if I can move into her basement and bring all the kitties too.

Lord, I’ve just been presented with yet another iffy life decision for the upcoming weekend… I’m tired of being boring.  I just have to get the stick out of my ass and just say YES.. LET’S DO IT!

I think it’s official.  Minus the corvette… I think that midlife crisis is in full swing.  BRING IT!