Abandonment – realized

The last year has opened my eyes to a number of things that I’ve tried to avoid thinking about or address.

A few years back, I wrote my “mother” off … I had to walk away as a final effort to stand up for myself and put a stop to the nonsense that I had put up with from her for decades.

She NEVER loved me.  She may have said the words, talked to others and led them to believe, and may have even considered it in what she calls her heart.  Problem is… I know her heart, or what little of it that she has ever shown to me.

I forgave her.  I do forgive her.  For whatever reason, in her “heart”, she felt like she couldn’t or simply just didn’t want to love me or connect with me.  Before you say to yourself that every mother loves their children… watch the fuckin news, no they don’t.  My mother was no different than some of those mothers.  Her forms of discipline were enough to instill fear and distance me from her and shame me and make me feel less than worthy or deserving of any kindness or love from anyone.

I have always striven for love from the most hurtful of human beings.  Likely out of some effort to convince myself that I’m not hard to love.  The problem is, I am hard to love because even when someone does claim that they love me, I don’t feel it or believe it.

I GENUINELY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT’S LIKE TO FEEL LOVE!  OR HAPPINESS FOR THAT MATTER!

Not to say I haven’t, except to say that what I assume is love and happiness.  Occasionally, for a moment.  I always feel like there’s a motive, condition, or punishment coming from those feelings.

All of this ties back to her.  I can tie my lack of love back to being a baby.  There are no pictures of her lovingly gazing at me, holding me, hugging me, doing activities..  All of my baby pictures, that I’ve seen, show me looking stressed, crying, or looking like I was straining to take a shit.  Literally… not one picture of me smiling that I ever remember seeing.  I have been miserable my whole life (up until now..).

Now, I suppose, I’m avoiding feeling love because it seems everyone who claims to love me has this innate ability to drop me like a bad habit anytime the whim comes over them.  I have zero intention of dating anyone seriously again… I have no intention of getting close and becoming “intimate” with anyone.  Not that anyone has really ever taken the time to get to know me on a soulful level.  I’ve always been a past-time, a piece of ass, a distraction, a crutch, an excuse.  I can only blame myself for this happening, going forward.

Maybe, some day, I will learn to trust … Nope.  Doubt it.  People in general are too easy to give up on things and frankly, I’m tired of being given up on.  I refuse to give up on myself though, so it’s time to make changes.

Starting with… loving myself when no one else will.  Not exactly sure how to do that or what it means.  What I do know is that I won’t be sacrificing myself for other people and their feelings or needs any more.  I’ve always done this in the past to prove my love for someone… I’ve always done the things that I thought they wanted to make them happy.  Turns out, all it did was let people treat me worse and I allowed it.  I have always bent over backwards to forgive and forget, be the bigger person, be nice, do good.  It’s never really gotten me anywhere.  I will continue to be those things, but not for any other reason that to be those things for me.  My people pleasing days for validation, acceptance, and love are over.  WYSIWYG… it’s going to take time and effort, but I’ve accomplished bigger and better things.

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