I’m NOT a cryer (crier?) – hold please while I Google. ** Turns out, either works, cryer is just the “archaic” version. *eye roll*
When it seems I’m in need of a good cry, the universe floods me with obstacles that overwhelm me and basically forces me to let the dam break.
Crying is exhausting. Feelings are exhausting. OVER IT!
The last few nights have been short in slumber but very vivid in dreams. This isn’t helping. My subconscious is breaking me down with dreams that break my heart. Or maybe it’s to wake me up that I still haven’t “dealt” with the things that I try to avoid.
One night, I dreamt that I was pregnant. OH HELL NO! NOPE! NO WAY! NOT A CHANCE! The next night hit a button that I’m eventually going to have to approach mentally, but I just don’t want to think about or even consider. Actually, the last two nights… The 2 most important men in my life over the last 20+ years, each filled me full of hope and then immediately turned around and married someone else. IN MY DREAMS! But it just hit a nerve that I’m not and never will be marriage material.
It’s a terrifying thought that I won’t have anyone to spend the rest of my life with. As humans, we are always looking for a connection and none of us want to die alone. I don’t want to be that terrifying woman in the neighborhood that is bitter and lonely and yelling at little kids to get off her lawn!
So. The question is.. which do I want more. Love or Companionship? I want both but overall, most people piss me off. I don’t even know what I want, so I guess it is what it is, right?
Why am I not marriage material? A few thoughts… I don’t demand appropriate treatment. I settle for what I get and hope that it gets better. I allow people to mistreat me daily and I don’t stand up for myself. I don’t feel like I’m worthy enough or important enough for love in my life. I don’t let my voice be heard. I let people shut me down when I try to speak my feelings or my truth but I will put my entire life on hold to listen to someone else. I see red flags and I help wave them instead of walking away when I know damn well that things are going to end badly. I disrespect myself and my dignity and allow others to do the same.
How do I fix it? How do I love myself? How do I believe I’m worthy? How do I set boundaries? How do I be at peace and accept this as my life? I thought uprooting my life and starting over would work but… as they say… No matter where you go… there you are.
Where’s the tissues?