I’m officially over trying to meet people spontaneously on the street etc.  I rarely leave my house except for work or the occasional libation with my friends.  This leaves my options limited to non-existent.

I did the “mix the <insert genital term> with the paycheck” thing.  That takes a special relationship with 2 mature and grown adults who know how to separate business/personal/pleasure.  If you start bringing your drama to work, it will fail epically and you have to be comfortable and secure enough to understand the theory of “work wife/husband” and not turn into some rabbit boiling psycho!  Regardless, there’s no one at work that I want to date..  (that I would admit to anyway)

I’m not big on picking people up in bars/nightclubs/etc.  I am too damn old for nightclubs and I look like a newborn giraffe when I try to dance.  Meeting someone in a place where alcohol is prominent simply shows you who the alcoholics are (zip it… I can quit any time LOL), who the psychos are, who the stalkers are, and who the WEIRDOS are!  It’s a rare occasion that you’ll meet someone to make a lifetime connection with at your local watering hole.  That’s not to say that I don’t flirt my ass off and enjoy some entertainment and conversation!

I decided to try online dating… UGH.. it has come to this.  I flat out refuse to just sit at home any longer and it’s time to move on and have fun and meet someone deserving, willing, and appreciative of my time and effort.

Let’s go through some of the obstacles:

• Age/Sex/location- no biggie here… except, I’m not driving to hell’s half acre with what little time that I have.  If you’re more than 35 miles or more away… this isn’t going to work.  Tried it… it was a disaster.  I need your time.
• Current relations status – This opens up a whole can of worms.  Do I want someone who has never been married?  Why haven’t they been married?  Divorced?  How recently?  Separated? WHY ARE YOU EVEN ON HERE?  No answer?  Why?  Does your wife know what you do in the den while she sleeps?
• Smoker/Drinker – How honest are we about this?  I’m a strict non-smoker (nicotene products in general).  I drink daily for the most part but I’m not falling down drunk and running down the street naked.  No one wants to see that!  LOL  But am I social drinker and I’m just extra social or am I a moderate drinker and now everyone thinks I’m a booze hound?
• Screen name – Use  my own name?  Use a screen name from another online profile? (I went with this option… probably not best, but..)  How clever are they?  Do they know how to use the Google machine?  *note to self, Googled myself… whoops*
• Profile photos – This one cracks me up.  These photos have to be engaging, welcoming, flattering, and in a nutshell  HOT.  Without being provocative!  I personally left out my animals, my kids, exes, etc… I don’t think most got the memo on this tidbit of info.
• Hometown/Current location – Hmm… how badly do you want a stalker?
• Children – Want them? Have them? Yeah, again, I have kids but they don’t live at home but I wouldn’t want some creep picking me out of a lineup so they can prey upon my kids!  Again, most didn’t get this tidbit of info and overshare.  Do I want to raise more kids?  I probably screwed mine up from ever being repaired.. do you really want me around your littlins?
• Pets – They should include an allergy button on this one.  Or in general.  LOL  I have dogs but what if I’m allergic to cats?
• Like/Interests – *eye roll* so generic and honestly, I love hiking but my bum knee prevents it!
• Physical Appearance – Umm… my version of average and yours may not be the same.  I’m not obese (I don’t think) but I’m not a runway model that is starving for a cheeseburger either!  I love food!  But I’m smart about it.
• Profile Intro – This is where you can tell everyone what you think will draw people in.  I’ve had to edit mine about 7 times since the original.  This has prompted some very interesting message from some HUGE ASSHOLES… LOL  Some other folks may want to go in and edit theirs too!

 

Needless to say, I get a “list” of possible matches every morning and oh the thoughts that go through my mind when I scroll…

He has bodies in his basement.

He lives with his mom.

He’s on drugs.

He’s a gang banger.

He’s a serial killer/rapist

Does his wife know he’s on here?

Does he own clothing?

Does he own personal hygiene tools?

Is he homeless?

When is the last time he went for a haircut?

PLAYER!

Wife beater.

Can’t hold his liquor/Alcoholic

Put your tongue back in your mouth!  Who told you that was sexy?

Unemployed

He drives a van with “free puppies/candy” on the side

Tattoos on your face?  Are you Mike Tyson?

Please have someone show you how to take a selfie!

We get it .. you work out.

Oh… that escalated quickly from your 20’s to your 60’s!

Awe!  He’s adorable… wait.. too many other problems!

Ooooh… hit that heart!  Let’s see what happens!!!!  *please don’t be a psycho serial killer*

 

So here we are… Fielding hundreds of profiles to find maybe 3 people that I MIGHT be compatible with… nasty messages.. impatient or pushy people (who get blocked).. I’ve had extended conversations with a few people.  Less than one percent of what I see.    One told me his current wife has a personality disorder and is a horrible person to him and his daughter… umm… nope.  I see that going sideways, QUICKLY!  One who said maybe 2 things to me and immediately wanted to go for drinks… and yet at least one that is a good conversationalist so far, attractive (to me), employed, and witty/funny.

What the hell… let’s give it a whirl!  What’s the worst that can happen?

CHECK BACK OFTEN AND MAKE SURE I HAVEN’T FALLEN PREY TO A SERIAL KILLER!