I am not religious by any stretch of the imagination and don’t believe in the racket they call organized religion.  What I do believe is that there are energies in place to help or harm.  There is a higher power in play, although I have no idea what/who it is and honestly it’s of no consequence to me except to know that I have no power against the universe.

I do sometimes speak to the universe in my own way.  Last night, it was curled up in the fetal position, asking for answers and to make the pain stop.  Not gonna lie… dying seemed like a welcome peace to me.  Not in a suicidal way, more of a “I am desperate to forget him and move on” kind of way and have not found a way to move on at all during the last 5 months.

I wish I were more like him or anyone I know that is strong enough to quickly get past emotions and get on with life.  This has literally broken me and my heart and I struggle every single day to not cry.  I was doing well for a couple of weeks, I was distracted with people and activities, but lately I’ve been so alone.  I try to get out of the house, but the weekends end up being a drunken night on Friday, hungover on Saturday, and miserably depressed on Sunday.  During the week, once I’m home… I’m  home.  Lights off, windows and curtains closed, something stupid on TV to drown out the crying.

I’ve resolved to trying to see some kind of practitioner.  Not a doctor that will dope me up on bullshit meds that turn me into a bigger psycho, or will make me feel nothing at all.  I’m going to go to a holistic healer (or one of them) and start the process of getting all of the negativity in my head, the pain in my heart, and the anger all dealt with.

I have zero desire to have fun, be around anyone, or do anything at all for that matter, most days.  I force myself, against the anxiety, some days, but mostly I’m a mess.

I don’t talk to anyone about what is really going on in my head or heart because.. let’s face it… people don’t give a fuck about anyone but themselves anymore.  Friends are superficial at best and in name only.  Everyone has their own shit they’re going through and no one wants more added onto it.  I don’t blame them.  I don’t even want to deal with my shit, why would they want to?

I do have to get back to a happy place.  I need to be excited about life again.  I need something to look forward to and the motivation to make it all happen.  I can’t continue on living this way.  It’s killing me.