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Shrooms ruined my Sunday!

Mar9

So.. I did a thing.  I’m a little too old to be doing things off the cuff at this point in my life, so I suppose I deserved the hell that I put myself through yesterday.

My oldest daughter took me away for a weekend to have mom/daughter time before I move away.  It was a lovely time, full of a whole lotta nothing in the middle of Kentucky.  Seriously.  Banjo land, USA.  She was instantly disappointed that most of the people that were originally going on this trip (grand total of 7-9 people) all backed out at the last minute.  We made the most of it, but you could tell she was disappointed all weekend.

Fast forward to Sunday when we got home, she wanted for me, her, and my youngest daughter to “trip sac” on shrooms.  Umm… I’ve never in my life done them.  Probably never will again.  That was quite possibly the most horrific .. well, not horrific.. but it was MUY MUY BADDO!  I can’t even put into words.. all the things.  I had to isolate myself in the bathroom … couldn’t close my eyes because of the geometric kaleidoscope happening behind my eyelids.  I couldn’t keep my eyes open because everything I saw was too loud.

My daughter’s cat was fucking with me, noises made me out of control anxious, quiet made my thoughts sound like they were coming through a bull horn, I couldn’t breathe my way out or calm myself down.

I needed hugged but didn’t want anyone around me.  I was cold but a blanket was too stifling.  A cold rag on my face made everything itch.

I WAS A FUCKING MESS FOR 4 HOURS!  BUT!… It did occur to me that I have a lot of pent up pain, tears, and emotions that I need to find a way to let out in a healthy way.  I wanted to cry but I was terrified that if I started, I wouldn’t stop and I’d end up at the hospital.

I couldn’t figure out what I needed to make this all better, or to feel happy, or to feel loved.  It occurred to me, as I was tiring out my hand with a ball of putty, reading a box with “Sleep Delivered” on the side, and trying to calm down that I have no idea what it’s like to feel loved, safe, protected, and accepted.   I certainly provide most of this for myself in some capacity, but I have no idea what the proper way is.  I don’t like to be touched, hugged much, coddled.. mainly because that was NEVER part of my upbringing.  I don’t know what to do with people who try to love me or take care of me.  I honestly have NO IDEA how to process that.

The only thing that brought me any peace was the thought that my Irish Setter, Killian, loves me to no end.  In his own way that kinda feeds off of me.  He will come up, bury his head in my lap, wag his tail, and let me love on him.  Occasionally, he will stand up and push me back so that he can literally hug me and then crawl on my lap like a child.

Do you know how sad that is?

Then, on the way home, the Jim stuff hit me like a brick.  I forced myself not to think of him during my trip because it was simply too much.  He lied to me for 5 years.  He promised me “the world”, happiness, protection, safety, loyalty, commitment, undying love, devotion, a future, and forever.  He gave me NONE of that in the end.  It was all a lie.  A lie that I invested my heart, my life, my world into… and I am tremendously hurt.  I feel abandoned.  I feel lost.  I feel unlovable.  I feel alone.  I am still destroyed.

I walk around every single day with a smile on my face, a joke or quick witted remark, and fully engaged in life, but on the inside I am broken into a million little pieces of glass.  So small that you can’t see… like when you drop a glass on concrete and work feverishly to clean up… to leave one shard that digs into your foot weeks later when you think it’s safe to walk barefoot again.

My youngest daughter didn’t do this with us and showed up around hour 3.  I think.  I had no idea what time it was.  I couldn’t even look at my phone, it was moving too quickly for me to focus.  She tried to help but I was a mess.  Even if she asks me today how it was, I am literally at a loss for words.  It was everything and nothing.  I am also realizing I don’t know how to communicate my feelings.  Everything is so overwhelming and I can’t get it out.  Odd, for someone who never shuts the fuck up!  She put on some music that she thought would help, but it was indian flute music and for whatever reason, that sent me into a sad tailspin.  That music does not work for me and it makes me sad.  I just couldn’t think of any music to tell her to put on because sounds HURT!  LOL I needed complete silence, completely void of any vision… I honestly have no idea what would’ve made this better, but nothing did.  Exceot thinking about Killian and playing with my putty.

NEVER AGAIN!  I did it.. I’m done.. I can say I did it once and it was not a good thing for me.  I have far too much anxiety to be messing with things like shrooms.  And now… I have PTSD LOL

New Beginnings

Feb20

Phew…

It’s been almost a year since I started trying to start a new life.  By force, mostly, but from a place in my heart that needed a change.  I saw an opportunity and I literally jumped on it like a jungle cat.  Unfortunately, it has take all of this time to get movement on it, but BOY HOWDY!  MOVEMENT IS COMING FAST!!!

I fly to my “new home” tomorrow to house hunt and meet with the people who are making this happen.  There is a level of terror and excitement in this that I’ve never felt before.  I have never lived outside of BUCKEYE country… although, most of the world is BUCKEYE country.  LOL  (You can’t go anywhere and yell O-H…. and not get an I-O in return… trust me, I’ve tried!)

The city that I’m supposed to move to had a shooting in a Walmart yesterday!  OMG… I paused for a moment but then realized that this one event is not going to keep me from moving.  There are literally DOZENS of other cities around there and these days, a shooting can happen anywhere.  If I get shot… well… I get shot.  Hopefully, I survive!  And if I don’t… I’m in the one place that is one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever been to.

I’m not mentioning where I’m going, although I think I’ve already said, so if any of my secret “stalkers” come on here won’t get specific details.  (not my subscribers… people in my life whom I’ve cut off but try to get information wherever they can these days.  Not you, DH!)   I’ve mentioned an area but where I’m going is not close to there.  Let the investigating begin!  LOL  I see you… I know you’re there…

I’m living life.  I’m moving on.  I’m about to embark on the most amazing adventure!!  Without the nonsense or the shitty ass people that feel entitled to ride on my coat tails.  I worked for this.  I did the things, I made the changes, I grew.  And now… I get to reap the rewards!

I can’t wait for this new chapter!  I’ve worked my whole life for this and nothing is going to stop me now!!

10 years in 2 parts

Jul3

Part 1.

I didn’t date much between 2006 and 2009.  I had drama and trauma in that time and dating wasn’t an option.  I also got my degree, got 2 jobs, met some amazing people, and bought a house.  There were so many exciting new things going on and when I started talking to Scott… I felt ready.  He was just coming out of a 19 year marriage.  My head said to stay away but he seemed so genuinely nice… So misunderstood..  I felt like I saw the real him more than anyone did so I gave it a whirl.  4ish years later, after a couple of break-ups, I finally just couldn’t do it anymore.  We had taken a vacation to Florida and after a couple of HIGH OCTANE SLUSHIES (quite possibly the devil of all adult frozen drinks), he introduced me to our bartender as his ex-wife.  HIS EX WIFE!!!  AFTER 4 YEARS!  Really?  I realized that things weren’t getting better, we weren’t moving forward, so I broke it off.  He had been dragging me down with his constant negativity for years and when I realized that I wasn’t even on his mind, it was time to go.  His reaction to that was to tell me that he had bought me a promise ring.  Not an engagement ring, but the promise of an engagement at some point.

ARE WE IN FUCKING HIGH SCHOOL?

Needless to say… moving on!

We still had a connection though, because my daughter (who considered him “dad”) was now out of high school and pregnant.  He was now going to be “Grumpy” to a tiny tot and I cared enough about him that I wasn’t going to take that from him.  We did go on one more vacation together in 2014 but by the time we returned, it was clear that things had changed.

We’re still friends to this day, he’s still “Grumpy” to our little grumpy grandson, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I did waste almost 5 years on this though and realized that I needed certain qualities in a partner that he just couldn’t give me and had no intentions of giving me.  Divorce left him very bitter when she took half of everything.  I don’t blame him at all for that but instead of trying to focus on us and making a happy life, he was always so unhappy about everything.  My kids could do nothing right in his eyes… he had no intimate desires towards me.. I felt more like a roommate most days who just annoyed the shit out of him.

Part 2.

Enter stage right… high school sweetheart out of the blue.  Whirlwind love affair and I’d never been so happy in my life.  Even when it ended, I had no idea we were even in trouble except that nagging feeling again that we weren’t moving forward and all I wanted to do was marry him and live the rest of my life loving him.  He, too, was divorced, bitter and angry after losing half of everything.  Made no difference to him that I didn’t need him or want anything from him except his heart… Any mention of marriage or a future were met with sarcastic comments or flat out refusal.. usually in front of friends and family who also wondered why we weren’t getting married.  I always got the “NEVER again” speech.

I kept hoping that if I waited patiently, proved my worth and that all I wanted to do was be with him, that he’d eventually realize my benefit to his life and at least take some step.  Buy a house, move in together, even stop short of marriage but do a commitment ceremony (I was willing to settle… pathetic).

Knowing that our 5 year anniversary was quickly approaching, I was already prepared to have the talk at some point… We either needed to move forward together or split.  I STRUGGLED with this because I did NOT want to lose the love of my life.

Little did I know that behind the scenes, he was already planning an escape.  I literally did NOT see it coming.  I knew something was up because he had been acting funny for months.  Made excuses not to come see me (he lives over an hour away), the morning, evening, and random text messages stopped, every plan I tried to make with him was met with “I can’t afford to” or something similar… Odd… since he just bought a new Harley.   I was so blinded by my absolute adoration for him that when it all fell apart, BLINDSIDED took on a WHOLE NEW MEANING!  That bus literally came out of nowhere.  Yes, I basically forced it, but in my heart I had hoped that I meant as much to him as he did to me.  Boy… was I completely off the reservation!  He quickly took the out and was gone.  No explanation, no conversation, no argument, nothing.   Gone.  And with spite and venom that I was not prepared for.

Out of both of these situations, I was settling.  I should’ve gotten out within the first 2 years of both of these relationships when it was clear that things were not moving in a forward motion.  This is not a mistake I will make again.  I refuse to waste any more time trying to make someone else happy by letting my own happiness take a back seat.  The minute that I have that “moment” I need to leave.  I had it with both of them.  That moment when something mundane is said (mundane to them) that is the pivot …  the “AH HA!” moment.  I will never ignore those moments again.   I can, to this day, pinpoint each moment with each of them.  March 2011 with Scott and summer of 2015 with Jim.  Both times I struggled with “Do I stick around?  He’s amazing!  He treats me well.  Can I live with never having my happily ever after?”  NEVER AGAIN!

I don’t NEED anyone.  No one.  Not financially or otherwise.  I have raised my kids alone, I take care of myself, and take care of whomever is in my life.  I do however WANT someone in my life.  I don’t want to be alone.  I want to share a life with someone.   Right now, I’m dealing with the negative talk of “What was it that was missing from me that contributed to the failure of these relationships.”  Which is dumb.  I gave until I could give no more and in both instances, became complacent when it was met with no effort or meaningful contribution from them.

So here I am.  Now what?  Dating seems so stupid and such a waste of time at this point.  I have very few friends left from all of this bullshit and drama the last year.  My kids are busy with their own lives.  Here I am.  Stuck.   Miserable.  Alone.  Wishing to turn back time but knowing it wouldn’t change anything.

Time to start over.  AGAIN.  I don’t have the time to waste on 10 more years, 5 more years, or even 2 more years with someone who isn’t going towards the same goals or ANY goal for that matter.  What to do… what to do.

 

Death would be so much easier.

Jul2

NOT MINE!

This past weekend was harder than most.  It did, however, bring about the thought:

“Losing all of these people in my life over the last year would be so much easier to grieve and recover from if they had died.”

I don’t mean that maliciously.  I simply mean that death has never really been hard for me to get over.  I can rationalize the death and the absence.  Sure, I miss them, but I know that there was an “ending”.

Losing 6 people in one year, friendship, relationships, etc… and all of them having moved on without a care in the world as to the void they left me with, has taken a horrible toll.  Every single day I cry.  I rarely cry.  I’m not a crier.  For me to admit that I have done nothing but cry for over 2 months is embarrassing and ridiculous.

My favorite holiday is this week (Independence Day/July 4th) and I’ve sworn off any and all celebrating because even when it’s a good year, I cry during the fireworks (patriotism, family, and fireworks move me in amazing ways).  I can’t watch them this year and be involved in events because it takes me back to some point over the last 5 years.  Honestly, if I looked back, he made every effort to ruin that day for me either by starting an argument or giving me attitude because I wanted to go and enjoy the holiday amongst friends and family and his idea of fun was sitting at home and drinking the day away while he obsessed over some piece of meat on his fancy smoker.  Or .. getting drunk in front of my family and making a fool of himself.

I really want to jump a week so that I can avoid all of this.  I really want to go a day without crying.  I really just want to be happy again.  I know I’m the only one that can make that happen but I’m stuck in a cycle of negative talk in my head (that I’m trying to fix) and constant reminders of what was and what was lost.

I want to burn everything, sell everything, and leave everything on a daily basis.  None of this will help except maybe leaving and starting a new life somewhere.  What good is that if I’m miserable when I get there?!!!

I am supposed to find out, today, whether I get to move for my job and while wallowing over the weekend I made a decision that no matter what.. I’m moving out of Ohio ASAP.  There is nothing left for me here.  I can always come back and visit.. I just can’t be here.  I’ve lived here my whole life and hated most of it.  I will either be moving to the mountains of Denver or maybe the beaches of southern Florida or Georgia (although each are staunch conservative states and I’m so far off the radar …not sure these are good places for me either).  Denver seems like the more reasonable route, but… we’ll see.  Should know in about an hour.

I almost wonder if a funeral isn’t a viable idea.  Build each of them their own little caskets of memories and either bury them or burn them.  Formally say goodbye and maybe my brain can remap the loss as a permanent death, instead of death by absence of sight.  I have to do something.  Soon.  I’ve wasted too much time on this and I just want to move to a happier place.  Figuratively and literally.

Process Docs BE DAMNED!

Jul25

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I’ve been tasked (yet again) with writing a process doc for a new product so that the minions can successfully configure and troubleshoot a POS device.  Seeing as how I’m not a “Process Analyst,” I’m not exactly sure how I keep getting roped into this, but as much as I loathe it… I like doing it.  It’s a nice break in my daily duties.

HOWEVER!  I do NOT like trying to decipher an original process doc that is a pile of shit to read and try to follow.  Case in point, the doc I’m working on now… the person who wrote this, from the vendor’s team, outlined it like she was talking inside her head… Not delivering a working document to a customer or specific audience.

I am not an expert on writing, but I do pretty well at holding my own.  I’m a bit of a grammar nazi, sometimes, and spelling inaccuracies drive me BATTY!  This doc that I’m writing must be dumbed down to kindergarten (glue eating, crayon drawing, window licking, hair pulling, temper tantrum throwing) level.  Oh joy.  The original doc was written by someone with an accent that I can’t understand while on conference calls, and it uses words that aren’t familiar to most English speaking Americans… Who uses the word “Paramaterizing” or “Paramaterized”?  Seriously… just writing that caused my editor to consider it misspelled.  It had no suggestion on a replacement word either.

My boss, whom I love dearly – especially today after a raving mid-year review, is critiquing my document as I go and is making me dumb it down even further.  I’m guessing that he now will expect a toddler to understand this in between eating boogers and redecorating mirrors with maxi-pads.

What started out as a deciphered and less confusing 34 page document will now be a 100 page babbling, drooling, and shitty mess if I don’t get some clarification from the vendor on WHAT THE FUCK, WHERE THE FUCK, WHEN THE FUCK, HOW THE FUCK, and WHO THE FUCK is doing/going/coming/saying/changing/inputting etc.

OH!  And I forgot to mention that our contact for the vendor is in the “Belgium Time Zone” and I’m in the Eastern Time Zone.  Coordinating schedules and calls are so much fun when you’re 6 hours behind the person that you are trying to work with.

Back at it, I guess, so that my end of year review will be even more glowing (and might I add – USELESS).

Now, I wait for someone in another country to make time … or someone in this country (on the west coast) to try and get me to work a 15 hour day.  THAT ain’t happening!  I like the overtime pay, but I need to have a life too… there is a beer and a tequila shot that will be waiting on me at my favorite watering hole, promptly at 4:37 or whenever I let my adorable bartender know I’m on my way to see her!  Yes.  She’s mine.  ALL MINE!

 

In I.T., vowels mean EVERYTHING

Jul21

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Yay me that I get thrown into learning new software from different vendors for a new product.  Nevermind that I can’t understand a damn word the developers say, but they sent us a process doc that is ALL SORTS OF BANGED UP!

(To prove a point, I should write the rest of this without vowels, but I won’t torture you)

Naming conventions in I.T. are much like the password to your cell phone, e-mail, PC, garage door opener….  If it’s off even remotely, SHIT DON’T WORK!  So… here’s what I’m fighting with:

cntrl2_cntrl1_email@<random e-mail>.com

So…  that first “cntrl” looks a lot like the second, RIGHT?

First “cntrl” is CONTROL.
Second “cntrl” is CENTRAL

Now… I try to take my Captain Obvious pill every morning… pretty sure I took it this morning… Seems my pill was missing some very important vitamins… Like E, A, and… is O a vitamin?

There are days when I wonder WHY I got into this field.  Then I look at my paycheck… and still wonder.

Tomorrow I get to start the madness and confusion all over again!  I can hardly contain my excitement.

Too early for wieners in my mouf!

Jul21

hot_dog

In an attempt to build team (insert whatever pc word for pretending to like your coworkers), management decided to have a “hot dog” picnic of sorts.  I say “of sorts” because that’s all that is being served and it’s inside.  There is no picnic basket, picnic table, picnic blanket, or BOOZE!   Also, it’s being held at 10 am.

I am one of four women on these 2 teams.  Women, as a rule, should not be forced to eat a hot dog around 30 men at work.

As a woman, and usually considered the team mom… I try to be diversified when planning a potluck or picnic.  Unfortunately, for once (although I’m tired of always coordinating), I was not the one planning/coordinating/executing said wiener festivities.  Leave it to a bunch of IT Geek Men to have tunnel vision when it comes to food.  There are no sides (unless you count 2 bags of chips and a bag of pretzels).  One of the girls was nice enough to bring Blueberry Cake (don’t ask me, I have no idea, haven’t tasted it yet).  Other than that… oh wait, there’s nothing other than that.

GO TEAM!

So glad I brought leftover spaghetti.

A little about me…

Jul20

So.. to get started.. let’s learn a few things about me.

I have 3 kids:
Kolton – 23
Katarinna – 21
Karlie – 18

I have a grandson, Thomas (who I will from this point on, refer to as Squiggle), who is almost 3.

My significant other, Jim, is my high school sweetheart.  Not like “Oooh, he was a football player, and I was a cheerleader, and we were voted most likely to succeed!”  No.  We dated here and there in high school, a couple of times out of high school, and then we didn’t speak for 20 years.  Now we’ve been together almost 2 years.  I’ll expand on that closer to our anniversary in a couple of weeks.

I have a dog.  A 4lb Chihuahua.  She’s a lover, to me and a few other people, otherwise she’s an absolute terror on 4 paws and although she only has about 6 teeth in her whole head, will rip your face off in a hot minute.  Little bitch.

I have a job in Telecomm that I have mixed feelings about but I’ve been here for 8 years and I’ve pretty much left myself little other choice since this is all I know after getting my Associates Degree in IT/Tech Services in 2006.

I own my own house that I would rather sell than deal with at the moment.  I don’t need a house that big anymore and it’s a reminder that the kids are grown and don’t spend near as much time there as I want.

I have a handful of friends.  True friends.  Friends that I would die for and think they would return that sentiment.  I could be wrong on some of them… you just never know about people these days.

I am very open minded.  I’m PRO everything (mostly).  Marry who you want, screw who you want, love who you want, vote for who you want, think what you want, do with your body as you choose, and live life how you please.  If you’re happy.. I’m happy.

I’m a bit jaded and angry one day and all hippie dippie flowers, love, peace, blah blah blah the next.  Today I’m jaded and angry, but that’s another blog.

I’ve recently had medical issues with my knee, so my level of physical activity is in the gutter.  I do physical therapy about three times a week right now until yet ANOTHER surgery happens.  I’m guessing I’ll be in physical therapy for the foreseeable future.  WHICH SUCKS.  I miss being skinny, active, and energetic.  Getting old is no joke.

I would rather be out with friends or do something with someone than be alone.  I really don’t enjoy being alone at all ,.. until someone has been up my ass for an extended period of time and then I crave it.  It’s a conundrum of epic proportions some days.  COME HERE…  TALK TO ME… BE HERE… SPEND TIME…. NO!  GO AWAY!  I NEED SPACE!!!

I love people as a whole, but most of them annoy the shit out of me and I’d rather just avoid all contact with them or vent on here about their inept personalities rather than confront them directly.  I hate confrontation.  I think it’s a confidence thing.  I perfectly confident in my head that they are idiots.. but then when I have to back it up with facts (which I have in my head), I trip over my face and freeze up.

I’m scatterbrained, A.D.D (if you don’t have it, don’t criticize), love to travel, love food, love drink, love most things that society thinks are wrong for that matter, and opinionated.  All of which, and then some, will come out in my blogs.

Welcome to me!  Sit back, grab a drink, and tighten that seat belt.  It’s going to be a ride, FO SHO!

HELLO, WORDPRESS!

Jul20

After years of thinking Facebook was the end-all beat-all of social networking, I’m a bit fed up with “society” as a whole and really need to get back to what I used to love… BLOGGING.  Facebook, although entertaining and a great avenue for my venting/cheering/humor/photos, has left me a little empty on the human connection side of life.  Odd, really, if you think about it.  I had a decent amount of “friends” … most of which I never saw or heard from outside of FB.  To call them “friends” is quite a stretch since very few of them know anything about me on an intimate level, and isn’t that what we’re all looking for in the long run?

Recently, I’ve realized that I need a real life, a hobby or two, and some real friends with some substance who also bring something to the table and treat me with some priority like I do everyone else.  The people in my life that I thought were friends, and whom I put on a pedestal regularly, are the same people who could give two sh*ts about me, my life, the people in it, or anything else about me.  I’m barely a second thought to them.

I know this sounds like whining, and maybe it is… maybe I should be going to a counselor and wasting tons of money on some jack wagon to analyze me based on what little information I choose to share with them.  I find that writing down what is going on in my life tends to open my mind up to resolutions that I can’t seem to come to on FB.  In a nutshell… FACEBOOK HAS DUMBED ME DOWN AND DOES NOT WORK FOR ME RIGHT NOW.  In the MYSPACE days I had TONS of followers on my blogs and it felt good to let go of stuff when I was done writing.  It was very freeing for me.  I pissed a lot of people off, made them laugh, made them cry, and gave them a view into my world and an opportunity to see things from a different and unique perspective.

So here I am.  This will get some getting used to, since I haven’t done this for years.  Bear with me as I get started.

 

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