MOVE B*TCH! GET OUT THE WAY!

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Rush hour traffic (or any traffic for that matter), is the very bane of my existence.  Just after people who smack their lips.. but that’s another blog that will be lengthy and probably worth a few giggles.

Why is it, at 7 am, fools cannot get their cars to move at the posted speed limit?  Dipshits going 60 mph, at best, in a 65 zone need to be dragged off the freeway and beat with a tire iron.

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Just because you decided to wake up at 5 am, fill up on a Southern Fried Chicken Biscuit Breakfast at Perkins (which, face it, it’s only good for filling up because nothing they serve has flavor) doesn’t mean you can take your food coma  ass into the public and disrupt a perfectly good morning with your “driving shenanigans”.  Either stay in that comfy torn up booth that you just left and let that extra fried egg digest, or drink a couple of cups of coffee before departing and getting in my damn way.

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6 cars… all following behind one woman who can’t get her ass in gear.  *EYE ROLL* Sure… let me sit here for 10 minutes waiting for 150 cars to pass us, and wait my turn to find a tiny spot for my FIAT to fit…  Now I am stuck in a new line of assholes who can’t decide between the gas peddle on the floor or the brake pedal on the floor.  There’s no happy medium when I’m running early or on time … but let me me a few minutes late getting out of the house and there’s no issues.  Ironic.

The only giggle I got was once I got to “MY EXIT” (yes .. it’s mine.  ALL MINE!), there was a PRIUS in front of me with the tiniest of exhaust pipes… but I swear someone stole a catalytic converter off of it.. (Must Google if they even have one – YEP, they have one).  But my dirty mind immediately went to those weirdos that like to have sex with inanimate objects and thought… my lord… that would take a tiny tiny man.  (micropenis.com – you’re welcome!)

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In all of this, I forgot to hit the Walmart for a 5lb bag of sugar… it’s the one commodity at work that always runs out – besides the coffee.  I had good intentions but that tiny, yet loud, exhaust pipe had me at “roooooaaaaaaar”

Moment of Clarity.. brought to me by Bill Clinton

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So, I never thought I’d be inspired by Bill Clinton of all people, but here goes.

19 years ago, I was pregnant with my youngest child.  NEWLY pregnant.  We won’t go into the details (they’re sordid, dirty, and make for a much better post later), but this was a first child for my then boyfriend (later husband –  okay, a few details) who had already been married twice.  *eye roll* I know… You really need all the details.. but NOPE!  Not getting all of them.

Anyway, he was half Puerto Rican, and his family is very big, very close, very loud, very loving (when they aren’t being very crazy), and very traditional latin.  Mothers are queens.  You don’t mess with mom.  The whole family will come after you.  So they kinda put me on this pedestal since I was the only one to finally give him a child.

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This gets so convoluted, but suffice it to say things didn’t work out.  By the time my daughter was a year and a half, we were divorcing.  It was messy, painful, shocking, and devastating.  I genuinely thought our marriage would be forever when I married him.

So now to the inspiration part (19 years later).  As I watched the DNC last night, begrudgingly  as I’m a Bernie fan, I happened to notice Bill Clinton sitting there clapping and smiling like a buffoon.  I was always a Bill Clinton fan when he was in office, and to this day I think he was a great president.  However, I thought to myself “You can’t put someone on a pedestal in one breath, as you also did in your presidency, and then disrespect them publicly and mercilessly the next”

BAM!!!!!

I realized that the only person in 19 years who still put me on a pedestal with my ex-husband and his family… was me.  If he truly put me on a pedestal, he wouldn’t have cheated on me during my pregnancy, shortly after, and basically through our whole relationship.  He, to this day, still thinks he puts me on a pedestal but I may have opened his eyes as well this morning when he read my text.

The closure is freeing and embarrassing in the same moment.  How could I have been so damn stupid?  Oh wait.  I do a lot of stupid things.  I can just add this to the list.  I just wish I had come to this conclusion a long time ago.  Although, the feeling of being superior, to the subsequent relationships he had, felt really good.  They would never be me.  They would never and could never be her mother.  The vanity in that causes me to wonder what kind of karma is coming my way.  It may already be here.

Anyway, Thanks Bill … I can’t wait to see what kind of shenanigans you get into now that she will be running the world.  I have my bucket of popcorn ready!  Don’t disappoint me, pal!

 

Process Docs BE DAMNED!

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I’ve been tasked (yet again) with writing a process doc for a new product so that the minions can successfully configure and troubleshoot a POS device.  Seeing as how I’m not a “Process Analyst,” I’m not exactly sure how I keep getting roped into this, but as much as I loathe it… I like doing it.  It’s a nice break in my daily duties.

HOWEVER!  I do NOT like trying to decipher an original process doc that is a pile of shit to read and try to follow.  Case in point, the doc I’m working on now… the person who wrote this, from the vendor’s team, outlined it like she was talking inside her head… Not delivering a working document to a customer or specific audience.

I am not an expert on writing, but I do pretty well at holding my own.  I’m a bit of a grammar nazi, sometimes, and spelling inaccuracies drive me BATTY!  This doc that I’m writing must be dumbed down to kindergarten (glue eating, crayon drawing, window licking, hair pulling, temper tantrum throwing) level.  Oh joy.  The original doc was written by someone with an accent that I can’t understand while on conference calls, and it uses words that aren’t familiar to most English speaking Americans… Who uses the word “Paramaterizing” or “Paramaterized”?  Seriously… just writing that caused my editor to consider it misspelled.  It had no suggestion on a replacement word either.

My boss, whom I love dearly – especially today after a raving mid-year review, is critiquing my document as I go and is making me dumb it down even further.  I’m guessing that he now will expect a toddler to understand this in between eating boogers and redecorating mirrors with maxi-pads.

What started out as a deciphered and less confusing 34 page document will now be a 100 page babbling, drooling, and shitty mess if I don’t get some clarification from the vendor on WHAT THE FUCK, WHERE THE FUCK, WHEN THE FUCK, HOW THE FUCK, and WHO THE FUCK is doing/going/coming/saying/changing/inputting etc.

OH!  And I forgot to mention that our contact for the vendor is in the “Belgium Time Zone” and I’m in the Eastern Time Zone.  Coordinating schedules and calls are so much fun when you’re 6 hours behind the person that you are trying to work with.

Back at it, I guess, so that my end of year review will be even more glowing (and might I add – USELESS).

Now, I wait for someone in another country to make time … or someone in this country (on the west coast) to try and get me to work a 15 hour day.  THAT ain’t happening!  I like the overtime pay, but I need to have a life too… there is a beer and a tequila shot that will be waiting on me at my favorite watering hole, promptly at 4:37 or whenever I let my adorable bartender know I’m on my way to see her!  Yes.  She’s mine.  ALL MINE!

 

In I.T., vowels mean EVERYTHING

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Yay me that I get thrown into learning new software from different vendors for a new product.  Nevermind that I can’t understand a damn word the developers say, but they sent us a process doc that is ALL SORTS OF BANGED UP!

(To prove a point, I should write the rest of this without vowels, but I won’t torture you)

Naming conventions in I.T. are much like the password to your cell phone, e-mail, PC, garage door opener….  If it’s off even remotely, SHIT DON’T WORK!  So… here’s what I’m fighting with:

cntrl2_cntrl1_email@<random e-mail>.com

So…  that first “cntrl” looks a lot like the second, RIGHT?

First “cntrl” is CONTROL.
Second “cntrl” is CENTRAL

Now… I try to take my Captain Obvious pill every morning… pretty sure I took it this morning… Seems my pill was missing some very important vitamins… Like E, A, and… is O a vitamin?

There are days when I wonder WHY I got into this field.  Then I look at my paycheck… and still wonder.

Tomorrow I get to start the madness and confusion all over again!  I can hardly contain my excitement.

Too early for wieners in my mouf!

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In an attempt to build team (insert whatever pc word for pretending to like your coworkers), management decided to have a “hot dog” picnic of sorts.  I say “of sorts” because that’s all that is being served and it’s inside.  There is no picnic basket, picnic table, picnic blanket, or BOOZE!   Also, it’s being held at 10 am.

I am one of four women on these 2 teams.  Women, as a rule, should not be forced to eat a hot dog around 30 men at work.

As a woman, and usually considered the team mom… I try to be diversified when planning a potluck or picnic.  Unfortunately, for once (although I’m tired of always coordinating), I was not the one planning/coordinating/executing said wiener festivities.  Leave it to a bunch of IT Geek Men to have tunnel vision when it comes to food.  There are no sides (unless you count 2 bags of chips and a bag of pretzels).  One of the girls was nice enough to bring Blueberry Cake (don’t ask me, I have no idea, haven’t tasted it yet).  Other than that… oh wait, there’s nothing other than that.

GO TEAM!

So glad I brought leftover spaghetti.

A little about me…

So.. to get started.. let’s learn a few things about me.

I have 3 kids:
Kolton – 23
Katarinna – 21
Karlie – 18

I have a grandson, Thomas (who I will from this point on, refer to as Squiggle), who is almost 3.

My significant other, Jim, is my high school sweetheart.  Not like “Oooh, he was a football player, and I was a cheerleader, and we were voted most likely to succeed!”  No.  We dated here and there in high school, a couple of times out of high school, and then we didn’t speak for 20 years.  Now we’ve been together almost 2 years.  I’ll expand on that closer to our anniversary in a couple of weeks.

I have a dog.  A 4lb Chihuahua.  She’s a lover, to me and a few other people, otherwise she’s an absolute terror on 4 paws and although she only has about 6 teeth in her whole head, will rip your face off in a hot minute.  Little bitch.

I have a job in Telecomm that I have mixed feelings about but I’ve been here for 8 years and I’ve pretty much left myself little other choice since this is all I know after getting my Associates Degree in IT/Tech Services in 2006.

I own my own house that I would rather sell than deal with at the moment.  I don’t need a house that big anymore and it’s a reminder that the kids are grown and don’t spend near as much time there as I want.

I have a handful of friends.  True friends.  Friends that I would die for and think they would return that sentiment.  I could be wrong on some of them… you just never know about people these days.

I am very open minded.  I’m PRO everything (mostly).  Marry who you want, screw who you want, love who you want, vote for who you want, think what you want, do with your body as you choose, and live life how you please.  If you’re happy.. I’m happy.

I’m a bit jaded and angry one day and all hippie dippie flowers, love, peace, blah blah blah the next.  Today I’m jaded and angry, but that’s another blog.

I’ve recently had medical issues with my knee, so my level of physical activity is in the gutter.  I do physical therapy about three times a week right now until yet ANOTHER surgery happens.  I’m guessing I’ll be in physical therapy for the foreseeable future.  WHICH SUCKS.  I miss being skinny, active, and energetic.  Getting old is no joke.

I would rather be out with friends or do something with someone than be alone.  I really don’t enjoy being alone at all ,.. until someone has been up my ass for an extended period of time and then I crave it.  It’s a conundrum of epic proportions some days.  COME HERE…  TALK TO ME… BE HERE… SPEND TIME…. NO!  GO AWAY!  I NEED SPACE!!!

I love people as a whole, but most of them annoy the shit out of me and I’d rather just avoid all contact with them or vent on here about their inept personalities rather than confront them directly.  I hate confrontation.  I think it’s a confidence thing.  I perfectly confident in my head that they are idiots.. but then when I have to back it up with facts (which I have in my head), I trip over my face and freeze up.

I’m scatterbrained, A.D.D (if you don’t have it, don’t criticize), love to travel, love food, love drink, love most things that society thinks are wrong for that matter, and opinionated.  All of which, and then some, will come out in my blogs.

Welcome to me!  Sit back, grab a drink, and tighten that seat belt.  It’s going to be a ride, FO SHO!

HELLO, WORDPRESS!

After years of thinking Facebook was the end-all beat-all of social networking, I’m a bit fed up with “society” as a whole and really need to get back to what I used to love… BLOGGING.  Facebook, although entertaining and a great avenue for my venting/cheering/humor/photos, has left me a little empty on the human connection side of life.  Odd, really, if you think about it.  I had a decent amount of “friends” … most of which I never saw or heard from outside of FB.  To call them “friends” is quite a stretch since very few of them know anything about me on an intimate level, and isn’t that what we’re all looking for in the long run?

Recently, I’ve realized that I need a real life, a hobby or two, and some real friends with some substance who also bring something to the table and treat me with some priority like I do everyone else.  The people in my life that I thought were friends, and whom I put on a pedestal regularly, are the same people who could give two sh*ts about me, my life, the people in it, or anything else about me.  I’m barely a second thought to them.

I know this sounds like whining, and maybe it is… maybe I should be going to a counselor and wasting tons of money on some jack wagon to analyze me based on what little information I choose to share with them.  I find that writing down what is going on in my life tends to open my mind up to resolutions that I can’t seem to come to on FB.  In a nutshell… FACEBOOK HAS DUMBED ME DOWN AND DOES NOT WORK FOR ME RIGHT NOW.  In the MYSPACE days I had TONS of followers on my blogs and it felt good to let go of stuff when I was done writing.  It was very freeing for me.  I pissed a lot of people off, made them laugh, made them cry, and gave them a view into my world and an opportunity to see things from a different and unique perspective.

So here I am.  This will get some getting used to, since I haven’t done this for years.  Bear with me as I get started.

 

Feel free to click on BLOGS above to read more!