Abandonment – realized

The last year has opened my eyes to a number of things that I’ve tried to avoid thinking about or address.

A few years back, I wrote my “mother” off … I had to walk away as a final effort to stand up for myself and put a stop to the nonsense that I had put up with from her for decades.

She NEVER loved me.  She may have said the words, talked to others and led them to believe, and may have even considered it in what she calls her heart.  Problem is… I know her heart, or what little of it that she has ever shown to me.

I forgave her.  I do forgive her.  For whatever reason, in her “heart”, she felt like she couldn’t or simply just didn’t want to love me or connect with me.  Before you say to yourself that every mother loves their children… watch the fuckin news, no they don’t.  My mother was no different than some of those mothers.  Her forms of discipline were enough to instill fear and distance me from her and shame me and make me feel less than worthy or deserving of any kindness or love from anyone.

I have always striven for love from the most hurtful of human beings.  Likely out of some effort to convince myself that I’m not hard to love.  The problem is, I am hard to love because even when someone does claim that they love me, I don’t feel it or believe it.

I GENUINELY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT’S LIKE TO FEEL LOVE!  OR HAPPINESS FOR THAT MATTER!

Not to say I haven’t, except to say that what I assume is love and happiness.  Occasionally, for a moment.  I always feel like there’s a motive, condition, or punishment coming from those feelings.

All of this ties back to her.  I can tie my lack of love back to being a baby.  There are no pictures of her lovingly gazing at me, holding me, hugging me, doing activities..  All of my baby pictures, that I’ve seen, show me looking stressed, crying, or looking like I was straining to take a shit.  Literally… not one picture of me smiling that I ever remember seeing.  I have been miserable my whole life (up until now..).

Now, I suppose, I’m avoiding feeling love because it seems everyone who claims to love me has this innate ability to drop me like a bad habit anytime the whim comes over them.  I have zero intention of dating anyone seriously again… I have no intention of getting close and becoming “intimate” with anyone.  Not that anyone has really ever taken the time to get to know me on a soulful level.  I’ve always been a past-time, a piece of ass, a distraction, a crutch, an excuse.  I can only blame myself for this happening, going forward.

Maybe, some day, I will learn to trust … Nope.  Doubt it.  People in general are too easy to give up on things and frankly, I’m tired of being given up on.  I refuse to give up on myself though, so it’s time to make changes.

Starting with… loving myself when no one else will.  Not exactly sure how to do that or what it means.  What I do know is that I won’t be sacrificing myself for other people and their feelings or needs any more.  I’ve always done this in the past to prove my love for someone… I’ve always done the things that I thought they wanted to make them happy.  Turns out, all it did was let people treat me worse and I allowed it.  I have always bent over backwards to forgive and forget, be the bigger person, be nice, do good.  It’s never really gotten me anywhere.  I will continue to be those things, but not for any other reason that to be those things for me.  My people pleasing days for validation, acceptance, and love are over.  WYSIWYG… it’s going to take time and effort, but I’ve accomplished bigger and better things.

Been in new “HOME” for 2 weeks

I arrived in Colorado after a 30 hour trip across the country .. This is my new “home”.  I just wish my stuff would show up!

As with everything else in my life, there’s always so much drama to get to the good stuff.  The movers got delayed after I left town, and won’t even be back to my house to pack and load until the 29th.  I brought just enough stuff to get me through maybe a week… Needless to say, quarantine or not, I’m going to have to get to a laundromat soon.

I miss my “people” but I hadn’t seen anyone in weeks because of the “virus” and the stay in place orders.  There were no “GOODBYE” parties, or any kind of goodbyes for that matter.  That part really sucked.

WFH in Colorado is amazing,  though.  I’ve gotten up a few mornings to more than 10 inches or more of snow.  The beauty of it is amazing!  I haven’t seen snow in Ohio, on this level, in YEARS!  The hard part is that most of my team is online at a time when I’m sleeping.  The guilt is a little overwhelming, so I’m usually online by 6:30 and online for a very long day.  But with this COVID-19 thing, 60+ hour weeks are nothing ..  very exhausting.

In a few days, it will officially be a year since he left me.  It’s been a rough couple of days.  I feel like I’ve moved backwards in obsessively thinking about him and I fucking hate it.  He doesn’t give 2 shits about me, my feelings, my life, anything related to me… OH!  Except my daughter’s newest “adventure”.  I still have no desire to date anyone new, meet anyone, or entertain even so much as a flirtation.  So over everything related to being in a relationship.  They’ve never ended well and frankly it’s probably best that I just stay alone.  I’m in a mood of “leave me the fuck alone!”.  All around.  I hate it.  Not sure wtf is going on with me and what happened to turn me back in that direction but I can NOT let this shit go and I don’t know why.

Meh.  Enough sulking.  Everything in my life is amazing except for that one thing.  Unfortunately, that one thing is having a tremendous affect on my life.  Need to get back to the progress that I’d made.  There is absolutely no reason to keep looking back.  Unless it’s to look at my old house and when my clean underwear will arrive!  LOL

COVID-19 panic is killing this empath!

I understand the need and the science behind this whole “social distancing” thing and everything shutting down.

I live alone.  Most of my neighbors are assholes.  The only neighbors I like left town to go to their “summer” home because the schools are shut down.

Work is a nightmare because I work for a major ISP and every company on the planet is trying to amp up their bandwidth for their remote workers, so emergency requests and people yelling has become my new norm.

I feel the anxiety of everyone online, all of my friends, all of my coworkers (local and remote), EVERYONE right now.  I feel the worry and the desperation too… I feel all of it and it’s taking its toll.

I’m exhausted, lonely, overwhelmed, out of groceries (haven’t been buying because I’m moving and now the stores are empty)… ready to burst into tears at any moment.  Worried my move is going to be delayed, worried I’m going to be driving across the country and nothing will be open… already paying for a house I can’t live in and if they shut the whole fuckin country down, I’ll be paying mortgage and rent and utilities in 2 residences for MONTHS!  I’m on the verge of a nervous breakdown at this point.

I’m whining, I know.  First world problems.  I know that there are so much worse scenarios.  I’m not discounting any of that, I just have no one to vent to and I don’t cry (especially after just doing my makeup – insert eye roll here!).

Check in on your people. For those of us that are already afraid of dying alone because we’re just too much for people to understand or handle, this is our hell.  Temporary or not.

Shrooms ruined my Sunday!

So.. I did a thing.  I’m a little too old to be doing things off the cuff at this point in my life, so I suppose I deserved the hell that I put myself through yesterday.

My oldest daughter took me away for a weekend to have mom/daughter time before I move away.  It was a lovely time, full of a whole lotta nothing in the middle of Kentucky.  Seriously.  Banjo land, USA.  She was instantly disappointed that most of the people that were originally going on this trip (grand total of 7-9 people) all backed out at the last minute.  We made the most of it, but you could tell she was disappointed all weekend.

Fast forward to Sunday when we got home, she wanted for me, her, and my youngest daughter to “trip sac” on shrooms.  Umm… I’ve never in my life done them.  Probably never will again.  That was quite possibly the most horrific .. well, not horrific.. but it was MUY MUY BADDO!  I can’t even put into words.. all the things.  I had to isolate myself in the bathroom … couldn’t close my eyes because of the geometric kaleidoscope happening behind my eyelids.  I couldn’t keep my eyes open because everything I saw was too loud.

My daughter’s cat was fucking with me, noises made me out of control anxious, quiet made my thoughts sound like they were coming through a bull horn, I couldn’t breathe my way out or calm myself down.

I needed hugged but didn’t want anyone around me.  I was cold but a blanket was too stifling.  A cold rag on my face made everything itch.

I WAS A FUCKING MESS FOR 4 HOURS!  BUT!… It did occur to me that I have a lot of pent up pain, tears, and emotions that I need to find a way to let out in a healthy way.  I wanted to cry but I was terrified that if I started, I wouldn’t stop and I’d end up at the hospital.

I couldn’t figure out what I needed to make this all better, or to feel happy, or to feel loved.  It occurred to me, as I was tiring out my hand with a ball of putty, reading a box with “Sleep Delivered” on the side, and trying to calm down that I have no idea what it’s like to feel loved, safe, protected, and accepted.   I certainly provide most of this for myself in some capacity, but I have no idea what the proper way is.  I don’t like to be touched, hugged much, coddled.. mainly because that was NEVER part of my upbringing.  I don’t know what to do with people who try to love me or take care of me.  I honestly have NO IDEA how to process that.

The only thing that brought me any peace was the thought that my Irish Setter, Killian, loves me to no end.  In his own way that kinda feeds off of me.  He will come up, bury his head in my lap, wag his tail, and let me love on him.  Occasionally, he will stand up and push me back so that he can literally hug me and then crawl on my lap like a child.

Do you know how sad that is?

Then, on the way home, the Jim stuff hit me like a brick.  I forced myself not to think of him during my trip because it was simply too much.  He lied to me for 5 years.  He promised me “the world”, happiness, protection, safety, loyalty, commitment, undying love, devotion, a future, and forever.  He gave me NONE of that in the end.  It was all a lie.  A lie that I invested my heart, my life, my world into… and I am tremendously hurt.  I feel abandoned.  I feel lost.  I feel unlovable.  I feel alone.  I am still destroyed.

I walk around every single day with a smile on my face, a joke or quick witted remark, and fully engaged in life, but on the inside I am broken into a million little pieces of glass.  So small that you can’t see… like when you drop a glass on concrete and work feverishly to clean up… to leave one shard that digs into your foot weeks later when you think it’s safe to walk barefoot again.

My youngest daughter didn’t do this with us and showed up around hour 3.  I think.  I had no idea what time it was.  I couldn’t even look at my phone, it was moving too quickly for me to focus.  She tried to help but I was a mess.  Even if she asks me today how it was, I am literally at a loss for words.  It was everything and nothing.  I am also realizing I don’t know how to communicate my feelings.  Everything is so overwhelming and I can’t get it out.  Odd, for someone who never shuts the fuck up!  She put on some music that she thought would help, but it was indian flute music and for whatever reason, that sent me into a sad tailspin.  That music does not work for me and it makes me sad.  I just couldn’t think of any music to tell her to put on because sounds HURT!  LOL I needed complete silence, completely void of any vision… I honestly have no idea what would’ve made this better, but nothing did.  Exceot thinking about Killian and playing with my putty.

NEVER AGAIN!  I did it.. I’m done.. I can say I did it once and it was not a good thing for me.  I have far too much anxiety to be messing with things like shrooms.  And now… I have PTSD LOL

That ball is rollin now!

I have been in Colorado for about 5 days and still have almost 3 more here.  I LOVE IT HERE!  I am NOT a fan of the 12° weather and the 30 mph wind.. .but I’ll suffer through it for the view!

view

Me and a friend spent 2 days looking for a house over the weekend.  That was so exhausting but we found a couple of really nice places.  Now, it’s just a waiting game!  The relocation is being worked by my HR department… we are just details away from this happening and I can’t wait!

Everything is falling into place.. FINALLY!

New Beginnings

Phew…

It’s been almost a year since I started trying to start a new life.  By force, mostly, but from a place in my heart that needed a change.  I saw an opportunity and I literally jumped on it like a jungle cat.  Unfortunately, it has take all of this time to get movement on it, but BOY HOWDY!  MOVEMENT IS COMING FAST!!!

I fly to my “new home” tomorrow to house hunt and meet with the people who are making this happen.  There is a level of terror and excitement in this that I’ve never felt before.  I have never lived outside of BUCKEYE country… although, most of the world is BUCKEYE country.  LOL  (You can’t go anywhere and yell O-H…. and not get an I-O in return… trust me, I’ve tried!)

The city that I’m supposed to move to had a shooting in a Walmart yesterday!  OMG… I paused for a moment but then realized that this one event is not going to keep me from moving.  There are literally DOZENS of other cities around there and these days, a shooting can happen anywhere.  If I get shot… well… I get shot.  Hopefully, I survive!  And if I don’t… I’m in the one place that is one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever been to.

I’m not mentioning where I’m going, although I think I’ve already said, so if any of my secret “stalkers” come on here won’t get specific details.  (not my subscribers… people in my life whom I’ve cut off but try to get information wherever they can these days.  Not you, DH!)   I’ve mentioned an area but where I’m going is not close to there.  Let the investigating begin!  LOL  I see you… I know you’re there…

I’m living life.  I’m moving on.  I’m about to embark on the most amazing adventure!!  Without the nonsense or the shitty ass people that feel entitled to ride on my coat tails.  I worked for this.  I did the things, I made the changes, I grew.  And now… I get to reap the rewards!

I can’t wait for this new chapter!  I’ve worked my whole life for this and nothing is going to stop me now!!

Misery Loves Company

Over the last several months, I’ve been trying to locate my “happy”.  I’ve focused on self-care, primarily, and keeping my mood light and positive.

Occasionally, an asshole creeps in to ruin the day.  Yes, I allow it, but not knowing it’s their intention.  Unfortunately, most assholes don’t wear a sign alerting the rest of us about their character.  I’m horrible at giving people the benefit of the doubt.  I assume there is good in everyone until proven otherwise.

I’ve been working on being relocated at work.  I need a change.  I let my upper management know that a move to Denver wouldn’t kill me and would be a welcome improvement over Ohio.  Since then, and very slowly, the details and the move is coming together.  The plan is to move there by April.  I can NOT wait.

Bring in the ass-clowns who have no ambition, goals, balls, or willingness to put forth the effort.  What they ARE good at doing is planting seeds of doubt in my own self worth, ability to make this move, the likability from upper management, and my value to the company.

What they don’t do is take into account all of the things I have accomplished at this job and what I’ve had to endure.  I deserve this move and this “promotion” if there is one.  Even if there isn’t, upper management likes me enough to give me this opportunity and I’ll be damn if I’m going to let anyone blow this for me… except me.

I would NEVER try to destroy the hope that someone has for a better life.  I don’t understand why people feel the need to try to keep me down all the time.  The only explanation is that I’m the only one that puts up with their nonsense and when I’m gone… who will pick up the ball and run with it for them?  Ultimately, it’s their problem, and I need to be able to see the jealousy, envy, and efforts to destroy me a lot faster.  I need to keep details about everything to myself until the day I move.

It can’t happen fast enough.

Solitary Confinement

It occurred to me, last night, that I’m basically in a self-imposed solitary confinement.  Not intentionally, but I don’t feel like I have anyone.  No one to talk to, no one that I trust in my life to spend time or energy on, and no real connection to anyone right now.

I know I’m in a transition and I’m trying to learn how to be happy alone but I’m a very social person for the most part.  I’m always the “person” for everyone but I feel like I don’t have anyone like that.

I get tired of bitching and complaining,  I have worked so hard the last few months on trying to be positive.  Even in those moments, I have no one to share that with.

I started to understand why older folks who are alone for a very long time, tend to seem crazy to the rest of the world.  They literally have no one, no one to have conversations with, trade ideas and thoughts, they are stuck in their own minds.  I worry that I will become this person.  I don’t know what the hell else to do.

There’s a full moon right now, and a Mercury retrograde coming… Lots of changes in my life.. and I’m feeling very heavy.  This is exhausting.

The Battle of an Empath

I’m an empath.  Which means, in a nutshell, I feel EVERYTHING.  Good, bad, or otherwise and sometimes all at once.  It’s the most exhausting thing in my world.

Lately, over the last few days, I’ve been very on edge.  Anxious.  Sensitive.  I don’t want to hear noises at all.  NOTHING.  I want complete silence.  The smallest things are setting me into a rage.  No idea why, and I can’t change it.  I’m trying, but I’m currently at work plotting at least one death because his voice grates on my last good nerve.  I can hear him over my headphones and that pisses me off even more.

I went to the restroom, headphones still in, and the toilet flushing was too loud and I instantly could feel the anger building.

My nails hitting my keyboard?  ANNOYING AS FUCK.  But I’m not taking the nails off.

Not sure what’s going on in the universe, and I really don’t want to know, because EVERYTHING IS PISSING ME OFF!

I hate this.

Words out of anger

Ever since I was young, I’ve always tried so hard not to say anything to anyone to hurt them.  I genuinely realize that words can’t be taken back.  I can think anything I want, but it’s rare that I let the words escape this giant head of mine.

Unfortunately, others don’t take the same kind of care with their words.  People find it so easy to unload on me and although the words hurt, I try to forgive and forget.  Recently, someone came at my throat and although they apologized a few days later, the words really hurt.  REALLY hurt.  I’ve always given this person the benefit of the doubt, been very careful of their feelings, and always tried to see things from their side.  There is now a wall.  A very thick, mighty, and sturdy wall that will NEVER be toppled between us.

Over the years, I’ve tried to show them what they are worthy of, what they didn’t deserve from the people around them, and the happiness they could have if they would just try… They don’t get it.  They’re too set in their ways.

This isn’t someone I can just ignore or walk away from.  They are going to be around for the rest of our lives.  As a friend, I’m okay with that, but at an arms length.  Beyond that, I have no use for them.  I hope they find what they need in life and stop fighting the universe on its message.  Not everything has to be so tough for them and they don’t have to be such an asshole about every single thing.