Pain and grief is so lonely.

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It’s tough to go through a loss alone.  No one to talk to.  No one that understands.  No one that can fix it.  No one that can make the pain and heartache go away.

It’s been one week.  Literally to the minute.  He has erased me from him world.  I’m still not even sure what I did that was so horrible that erasing me in one week was so easy for him.

I’m not trying to be the psycho in this.  I’m trying to stay away.  I keep having to remind myself.. HE DOESN”T WANT YOU!

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The lack of answers is probably what hurts most.  The guessing and the filling in of the blanks takes a close second.

WOW!  Text from my sister of him with another woman already.  A MUTUAL FRIEND.  okay.  So..  that made me want to vomit.

I have literally sat here, jaw dropped, for half an hour.  DID NOT SEE THAT COMING!

The look on his face in the picture… I know every look on his face.  Every expression.  Every nuance.  He’s been involved with her for awhile.  He’s a smitten kitten right now.

This is going to have to serve as therapy.

Well..  My life has spun out of control and during the rinse cycle, I’ve lost most of my “friend” base.

I have the SHITTIEST taste in friends.  Growing up, I was told that I was too gullible and trusted people too easily.  That is true.  But it’s who I am.  Unfortunately, not everyone else is like that.

I’ve realized that there is no loyalty in relationships anymore.  Everyone has a “what’s in it for me?” attitude.   I’m loyal to a fault.  If you screw over someone I love,  you might as well be screwing me over too.  If you disrespect them, you disrespect me.  There’s very little coming back from that when it comes to me.  Once I’m done with you… I’m done.

I’ve had issues with one “friend” who owed me money.  Nothing but nonsense getting it back… it’s not $20… I’d have written that off… this was almost a thousand dollars.  In today’s day and age, there are so many avenues to pay someone their due.  This friend isn’t hurting for money in any way, shape, or form, they’re simply acting like as asshole out of their loyalty to someone else… *You didn’t think this was going to be a simple story, did you?*

August of 2018, some asshole walked up to me at a local establishment, sat down next to me, clearly inebriated and said “Where’s my drink, whore?”

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  It’s on!  Fool, we’ ain’t friends like that!  AT ALL!  I was raised that you don’t call women cheap names.  Even if they deserve it and especially to their face.

I stewed.  For 3 hours I stewed.  The bartender, being a good friend and basically family (we’ve done vacations, holidays, road trips, etc) listened to me lose my mind over this and I made it clear I wouldn’t say anything because he was drunk and with all of his work friends.  2 tequila shots later, talking to my best pal, texting Jim, etc… I called him over to me (liquid courage).  In a nutshell, I explained that we weren’t that kind of friends, not to call me that ever again, and if it did happen again, there would be a throat punch involved.  Either from me or Jim.

He told me I was drunk and walked away.  I wasn’t letting it go.. .”Come back, ya pussy, and own up to what you said!”  He, at no point, made any effort to apologize.  I suppose I shouldn’t have expected it from him, as drunk as he was and barely capable of standing up.

The bartender walked by about 10 minutes later and was cleaning tables and politely asked me not to do that again, which I promptly apologized for and promised it would never happen again.  She then set the series of events that now have me with no friends, no boyfriend, and looking around wondering how I’m the bad guy.  She looked at me and said “You didn’t have to call him a pussy in front of 6 guys!”

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She was more concerned with his ego than standing up for what was right.  I promptly left.  I managed to leave my keys so I had to text my friend to bring them to me and she followed out behind with asshole in tow.  She wanted to get into some conversation about how he was just trying to apologize and I lost my mind… NOPE!  Didn’t happen!  Bye Felicia!

At this point, all friendship with her is now destroyed.  Any future plans/vacations that involve her, I’m backing out of.  I just want out of all of it.  I distanced myself from everyone so I didn’t put anyone in the middle.  SHE on the other hand had all kinds of fun involving everyone so now I’m the bad guy to everyone.

I had paid a mutual friend money for a trip to Cuba.  A trip I really didn’t want to go on and will end up backing out of twice.  The first time because of the bartender (didn’t know she wasn’t going) and the second time because all in all, it was not going to be a cheap vacation.  I backed out MONTHS in advance.  Which left plenty of time for others to take our spot and her to give me my money back.

It’s now almost May.  I’ve been told that the money wouldn’t go through, that they were busy and couldn’t meet with me, that they’d have it to me by last week, and then “I’ll call you later this afternoon”… at 7 pm with no phone call or update I officially threw my hands up and gave up.  She could give the money to Jim (whom she still had a very vibrant relationship with behind the scenes).  But then I realized… that would be putting him in the middle and after I realized it, I just told him to forget it.

Then I threw an ultimatum.

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Choose the friends who were shitting on me on a regular basis… or choose me.  Well.. that went over like a fart in church.  The following morning, after working 12 hours, he drove an hour and a half to my house to get the remnants of whatever he had left there and was gone within 45 minutes.

No conversation.  No fight.  No .. nothing!  Just a “Wow.  Fine” and he was gone.

So here I am.  Reeling from losing the one person on the planet that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with (although he had no intentions of marrying me). canceling his involvement in our vacation in 2 weeks, getting my house in order, and trying to maintain some level of sanity and dignity.  I’m failing miserably.

I have to vent here because I refuse to be on social media right now.  I have very few friends and they don’t want to listen to my bullshit.  I refuse to go to a therapist (although I probably should address the fact that I push everyone away eventually).  I’m actually sick of myself at this point.

I have so much verbal vomit just piled up inside and I have to put it somewhere.  I remembered that I had this  blog and realized it’s better for me to put everything here.. where no one will see it, or give a shit, or criticize, or blow me off (if you’re still reading this, thank you so much.. now.. go drink!  You deserve it)

So.. how ya like me now?

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I love it when I meet someone and they’ve already had a predisposed opinion of me that was defined by a picture that someone else painted in their mind.  I love it even more when they realize I’m really not what they had been led to believe I was.

Maybe if we all took a little time to hear both sides of a story, made the effort to form an opinion AFTER we have all the facts, or simply took the time to really get to know someone, this wouldn’t be such a crappy world.

Can’t please some people…

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There are just some people on this planet that I’ll never be able to please.  Yet… for some damn reason I still try (by force mostly).  My life is being forced out of its routine to accommodate someone else… a lot of someone else’s … and all I get is grief and snippy attitudes.

Seriously?  Get over yourself.  My life is having to be completely turned upside down and revamped to make sure that you have the tools that you need to do your job.  The least you could do is simply say “thank you” even if you don’t mean it.  FAKE THAT SHIT!

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I understand more is needed, but an effort is being made.  Try not to bite the hand that feeds you and be a little appreciative that someone is “listening” to your “needs” instead of making empty promises to fix and then never delivering.  This is a new opportunity for you to get what you’ve wanted for years and although it’s not at the speed you want, or the content, the least you could do is understand that a genuine effort is being made, which is far more than anyone else has done for you…

Instead you find it necessary to bitch and complain… bite my face off like some douche bag hipster on bath salts…  and demand more.

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If I had it my way, the offer would be off the table and it would be business as usual… unfortunately, I have no say in the matter, but I promise that my protest will be heard and I will fight this effort with everything I’ve got at this point.  I’ve known for years that there’s no pleasing you.  Now, they know too.  Good job, genius!

Prayers to the Coffee Gods

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Anyone who works in an office environment with coffee rations, knows the routine.  You clock in, boot up your pc (or typewriter if you’re from the 80’s), head to the coffee pot… mug in hand (trough if your a pro)…  the closer you get the more desperate the prayers.

“Please lord, let there be coffee..  I promise to not slap the shit out of Bob when he goes on a tirade about post-it notes and their lack of consistent stickiness”

“Jesus, hear my prayer, let their be coffee of great abundance and warmth of the sun”

“So help me GOD, if the last person took the last cup and I have to make ANOTHER pot…”

I usually say my “prayer” of sorts about 50 feet from the break room.  We have ONE Bunn coffee maker and carafe.  In previous years, our cost center (fancy word for department budget) has foot the bill for all coffee rations for OUR teams.  Unfortunately, when it’s a shared break room, the whole floor finds it as a charitable contribution which means dozens of pots of coffee a day are made.

After having spent a ton of money, management decided to hoard the coffee (and only the coffee) in our department.  The pot is still out in the open, so the whole floor still consumes it all .. it just takes someone from our team to get the shakes before a new pot gets made.  I don’t see the value saved in this practice, but more the aggravation that every time I go to get a cup of coffee, some dip shit has already taken the last cup, leaving me with 2 pumps of bubbles and cold caffeine…  So now, I get to make the trip BACK to the cabinet to get the coffee, go back, make the coffee, babysit the maker, get my cup, and go back to work.  If I’m smart (and semi awake), I get a vat of it for myself to avoid another trip and fit of rage.

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So, after chugging my mug of muddy caffeinated goodness, I’m now ready to support conference calls the rest of today.  I may shake, I may speak at the speed of light, but I’m not sleeping!!!  I may or may not crash in 2 hours.  We’ll see.

Too pooped… to poop.

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I just give up some days.  Throw my arms up and admit defeat.  I’ve got nothing.  I’ve got very little fight left in me for most things on most days.  I simply exist.  I can’t come up with anything funny lately to blog about.  I’m stuck in a rut.

Everything is so overwhelming anymore, I just want to stay in bed and not see anyone, do anything, or breathe.  Shit keeps piling up and I don’t know where to start.  I couldn’t even make a list of everything going on right now, because it seems to have gotten that out of hand.

Even when I think I’ve got my shit together, something pops up to remind me that it’s total chaos.  My house, bills, job, kids, boyfriend, life… it all seems to be dangling by a thread these days.  Putting my head in the sand isn’t solving anything but trying to face any of it head on gives me too much anxiety so I shut down.

My job is a complete cluster fuck of disorganization, lack of information, demands that are completely out of control, and about 100 different people who can’t keep track of their own hands, let alone figure out what all the other hands are doing.  IT MAKES ME CRAZY!  I try to fix things and am told it’s not the right way but no one is jumping up with any logical solutions besides what I have.  They just keep shoving it to the side or having conversations with the wrong people and end up getting nowhere in regards to a working solution.  For the stuff that I do know… I can’t apply because the shit on the other side is still a mess.  Why I let myself get dragged into this stuff, is a mystery to me.  I don’t get paid more.  I don’t get any kind of accolades.  All I get is aggravation and anxiety.

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BOY!  DOES THAT MEME SAY A LOT!  Take it for what it is.  If I had xanax, I still wouldn’t abuse it, because the anxiety of thinking that I was addicted to something would send me off the rails!  SEE WHAT I DEAL WITH?  I do nothing in that first column at all.  NOTHING.  I eat healthy anyway, I exercise at physical therapy (when I go), I rarely force myself to be social because I really have very few people to be social with and I’m always self criticizing how I act, what I say, what I wear, how I look, who I speak to, who speaks or doesn’t speak to me… IT’S EXHAUSTING.

Back to the chaos for atleast 6 more hours (because I’d hate for anyone else to pick up the ball and run with it … no no!  I can work a 14+ hour day… don’t worry about me!).  Kinda over this Monday.

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1987 vs 2014 – A love story abbreviated

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August 11, 2014.

Just finishing a day full of mind numbing training in Denver, CO.

My teammate Darius and I choose to go to “The Irish Snug” on Colfax in Denver.  Partly to get away from Aurora and partly because of their happy hour specials.

I get a notification from the devil (aka: Facebook) that “Jim” has requested me as a friend.

I freeze.  I have waited for this moment since I (reluctantly) signed up for Facebook in 2006.  I’ve creepily stalked him through the years since the internet came to be.

My heart stops.  “I’ll have 2 of your house wines” (it was buy one get one that night)

I patiently wait about 20 minutes.

*text him on FB messenger* Stop trolling my photos and say hello! (what the hell else would he be doing?)

He responds and it begins.  Again.

In high school, freshman year through senior year, we dated off and on.  He was “my guy” even though we dated other people off and on through the years.  I dated him briefly after high school a couple of times.. (oh … the times)

We didn’t speak from 1993 until 2014.

Throughout the years, I was that creepy stalker.  I kept up with him, no matter what he did, whether he knew it or not.  He married, had a son, worked his ass off for a very good corporation… all along, he didn’t know that I was there.

At one point, I “noticed” he filed for divorce.  I don’t wish that on anyone but I sent a message through a mutual friend that I was sorry to hear.  Crickets.  Nothing.  I get it, it had been decades and why on earth would he consider me as a “friend”?

2014 was a tough year for me.  I had just left a 5(ish) year relationship that was going nowhere fast –  With a man that was miserably unhappy as a person.  Great man – just unhappy.  I couldn’t take it anymore and left.  I knew we were never going to get married (his divorce left him bitter and angry-er).  Jim reaching out to me, although unexpected and unplanned, was a very fresh breath of air.

From that notification to today, he has been “my guy” again.  We texted endlessly until I returned from Denver and while he was traveling to his son’s graduation from Navy Boot camp.  These are moments (among memories from high school and beyond) I will forever cherish.

He lives an hour and a half away and we have made it work for 2 years (in just under 3 hours as I type this).  We text each other daily.  Going to work, going home, activities throughout the day…  We do what we can to make this work after decades of separation.

I love him.  I’ve loved him in my way for years.  I will love him in my way until I die.

He makes me laugh on days when all I want to do is cry.
He makes me furious when all I want to do is love him.
He snores (but so do I when I don’t wear my CPAP)
He is a Republican ( I AM SO NOT!)
He is handsome
He is loving (even when I’m not worth loving)
He is cuddly (and terrifying)
He is loyal
He is sexy (not your business on so many levels)
He is faithful
He is a FUCKING GENIUS (I wish I were that smart)
He is OCD and organized and I’m a slob
He has been there for me and my family in the hardest of times
His inner “girl” compliments my inner “guy” and vice versa
He is too giving … when I’m not.. and vice versa.
He is the Ying to my Yang.  In every way.

I could go on for days but the short of it all is that he is mine.  My future with him is up in the air (at best) but neither of us is going anywhere anytime soon.  There are far too many “PROS” to “CONS” in this.  We have to work every day to make this work and there are days when he picks up the slack when I can’t.  I would give my life for him right now, even if he doesn’t know or realize it.

I love him.  Years, miles, people, experiences, and life will never change that.  He could leave me tomorrow and although I’d be devastated, I’d still be thankful that I got yet another chance to have him in my life.

More to come .. for years I hope.