I just give up some days. Throw my arms up and admit defeat. I’ve got nothing. I’ve got very little fight left in me for most things on most days. I simply exist. I can’t come up with anything funny lately to blog about. I’m stuck in a rut.
Everything is so overwhelming anymore, I just want to stay in bed and not see anyone, do anything, or breathe. Shit keeps piling up and I don’t know where to start. I couldn’t even make a list of everything going on right now, because it seems to have gotten that out of hand.
Even when I think I’ve got my shit together, something pops up to remind me that it’s total chaos. My house, bills, job, kids, boyfriend, life… it all seems to be dangling by a thread these days. Putting my head in the sand isn’t solving anything but trying to face any of it head on gives me too much anxiety so I shut down.
My job is a complete cluster fuck of disorganization, lack of information, demands that are completely out of control, and about 100 different people who can’t keep track of their own hands, let alone figure out what all the other hands are doing. IT MAKES ME CRAZY! I try to fix things and am told it’s not the right way but no one is jumping up with any logical solutions besides what I have. They just keep shoving it to the side or having conversations with the wrong people and end up getting nowhere in regards to a working solution. For the stuff that I do know… I can’t apply because the shit on the other side is still a mess. Why I let myself get dragged into this stuff, is a mystery to me. I don’t get paid more. I don’t get any kind of accolades. All I get is aggravation and anxiety.
BOY! DOES THAT MEME SAY A LOT! Take it for what it is. If I had xanax, I still wouldn’t abuse it, because the anxiety of thinking that I was addicted to something would send me off the rails! SEE WHAT I DEAL WITH? I do nothing in that first column at all. NOTHING. I eat healthy anyway, I exercise at physical therapy (when I go), I rarely force myself to be social because I really have very few people to be social with and I’m always self criticizing how I act, what I say, what I wear, how I look, who I speak to, who speaks or doesn’t speak to me… IT’S EXHAUSTING.
Back to the chaos for atleast 6 more hours (because I’d hate for anyone else to pick up the ball and run with it … no no! I can work a 14+ hour day… don’t worry about me!). Kinda over this Monday.