Glad the holidays are over…

AND I SURVIVED!  Barely.

I gave literally the bare minimum to the holidays.  From Halloween through New Year’s .. I did NOT participate.  Or participated at a level to keep everyone off of my ass.

“It’s been long enough, get over it”
“Sick of you blowing me off for him”
“You need to get it together and move on”
“Don’t give him the satisfaction”

Just a few of the things said to me instead of

“We love you and understand”
“What can I do to help?”
“Do you need anything?”
“I’m here”

Most days are good.  I don’t think about him and if I do, I try to remember how badly he made me feel and how he just LEFT.  In dealing with all of this I’ve been told I have severe PTSD (not from him – or very little from him).  Turns out PTSD isn’t just from fighting in a war or surviving some epic event.  It explains a ton of things and my reactions to a lot of situations.   I’ve isolated myself so much over the last 8+ months so that I can heal.  It’s a slow process that I am trying to figure out on my own.

Move to Denver is moving at a glacial pace.  Emptying the house out (I refuse to take anything but a very few things, from my present or past,  with me into this adventure) is a chore.  I hate moving.  I hate leaving the people that I love.  Some don’t even know I’m going yet.  Can’t wait to get away from others.   I can’t stay.  I have to go.  I need to redefine who I want to be.  This pathetic stagnant slob isn’t me.  I’ve shut down so hard that my pulse is about the only thing that separates me from the dead.

I wish there were more to talk about, but life has been incredibly uneventful.  I choose it to be that way to protect my own peace.

 

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