10 years in 2 parts

Jul3

Part 1.

I didn’t date much between 2006 and 2009.  I had drama and trauma in that time and dating wasn’t an option.  I also got my degree, got 2 jobs, met some amazing people, and bought a house.  There were so many exciting new things going on and when I started talking to Scott… I felt ready.  He was just coming out of a 19 year marriage.  My head said to stay away but he seemed so genuinely nice… So misunderstood..  I felt like I saw the real him more than anyone did so I gave it a whirl.  4ish years later, after a couple of break-ups, I finally just couldn’t do it anymore.  We had taken a vacation to Florida and after a couple of HIGH OCTANE SLUSHIES (quite possibly the devil of all adult frozen drinks), he introduced me to our bartender as his ex-wife.  HIS EX WIFE!!!  AFTER 4 YEARS!  Really?  I realized that things weren’t getting better, we weren’t moving forward, so I broke it off.  He had been dragging me down with his constant negativity for years and when I realized that I wasn’t even on his mind, it was time to go.  His reaction to that was to tell me that he had bought me a promise ring.  Not an engagement ring, but the promise of an engagement at some point.

ARE WE IN FUCKING HIGH SCHOOL?

Needless to say… moving on!

We still had a connection though, because my daughter (who considered him “dad”) was now out of high school and pregnant.  He was now going to be “Grumpy” to a tiny tot and I cared enough about him that I wasn’t going to take that from him.  We did go on one more vacation together in 2014 but by the time we returned, it was clear that things had changed.

We’re still friends to this day, he’s still “Grumpy” to our little grumpy grandson, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I did waste almost 5 years on this though and realized that I needed certain qualities in a partner that he just couldn’t give me and had no intentions of giving me.  Divorce left him very bitter when she took half of everything.  I don’t blame him at all for that but instead of trying to focus on us and making a happy life, he was always so unhappy about everything.  My kids could do nothing right in his eyes… he had no intimate desires towards me.. I felt more like a roommate most days who just annoyed the shit out of him.

Part 2.

Enter stage right… high school sweetheart out of the blue.  Whirlwind love affair and I’d never been so happy in my life.  Even when it ended, I had no idea we were even in trouble except that nagging feeling again that we weren’t moving forward and all I wanted to do was marry him and live the rest of my life loving him.  He, too, was divorced, bitter and angry after losing half of everything.  Made no difference to him that I didn’t need him or want anything from him except his heart… Any mention of marriage or a future were met with sarcastic comments or flat out refusal.. usually in front of friends and family who also wondered why we weren’t getting married.  I always got the “NEVER again” speech.

I kept hoping that if I waited patiently, proved my worth and that all I wanted to do was be with him, that he’d eventually realize my benefit to his life and at least take some step.  Buy a house, move in together, even stop short of marriage but do a commitment ceremony (I was willing to settle… pathetic).

Knowing that our 5 year anniversary was quickly approaching, I was already prepared to have the talk at some point… We either needed to move forward together or split.  I STRUGGLED with this because I did NOT want to lose the love of my life.

Little did I know that behind the scenes, he was already planning an escape.  I literally did NOT see it coming.  I knew something was up because he had been acting funny for months.  Made excuses not to come see me (he lives over an hour away), the morning, evening, and random text messages stopped, every plan I tried to make with him was met with “I can’t afford to” or something similar… Odd… since he just bought a new Harley.   I was so blinded by my absolute adoration for him that when it all fell apart, BLINDSIDED took on a WHOLE NEW MEANING!  That bus literally came out of nowhere.  Yes, I basically forced it, but in my heart I had hoped that I meant as much to him as he did to me.  Boy… was I completely off the reservation!  He quickly took the out and was gone.  No explanation, no conversation, no argument, nothing.   Gone.  And with spite and venom that I was not prepared for.

Out of both of these situations, I was settling.  I should’ve gotten out within the first 2 years of both of these relationships when it was clear that things were not moving in a forward motion.  This is not a mistake I will make again.  I refuse to waste any more time trying to make someone else happy by letting my own happiness take a back seat.  The minute that I have that “moment” I need to leave.  I had it with both of them.  That moment when something mundane is said (mundane to them) that is the pivot …  the “AH HA!” moment.  I will never ignore those moments again.   I can, to this day, pinpoint each moment with each of them.  March 2011 with Scott and summer of 2015 with Jim.  Both times I struggled with “Do I stick around?  He’s amazing!  He treats me well.  Can I live with never having my happily ever after?”  NEVER AGAIN!

I don’t NEED anyone.  No one.  Not financially or otherwise.  I have raised my kids alone, I take care of myself, and take care of whomever is in my life.  I do however WANT someone in my life.  I don’t want to be alone.  I want to share a life with someone.   Right now, I’m dealing with the negative talk of “What was it that was missing from me that contributed to the failure of these relationships.”  Which is dumb.  I gave until I could give no more and in both instances, became complacent when it was met with no effort or meaningful contribution from them.

So here I am.  Now what?  Dating seems so stupid and such a waste of time at this point.  I have very few friends left from all of this bullshit and drama the last year.  My kids are busy with their own lives.  Here I am.  Stuck.   Miserable.  Alone.  Wishing to turn back time but knowing it wouldn’t change anything.

Time to start over.  AGAIN.  I don’t have the time to waste on 10 more years, 5 more years, or even 2 more years with someone who isn’t going towards the same goals or ANY goal for that matter.  What to do… what to do.

 

Death would be so much easier.

Jul2

NOT MINE!

This past weekend was harder than most.  It did, however, bring about the thought:

“Losing all of these people in my life over the last year would be so much easier to grieve and recover from if they had died.”

I don’t mean that maliciously.  I simply mean that death has never really been hard for me to get over.  I can rationalize the death and the absence.  Sure, I miss them, but I know that there was an “ending”.

Losing 6 people in one year, friendship, relationships, etc… and all of them having moved on without a care in the world as to the void they left me with, has taken a horrible toll.  Every single day I cry.  I rarely cry.  I’m not a crier.  For me to admit that I have done nothing but cry for over 2 months is embarrassing and ridiculous.

My favorite holiday is this week (Independence Day/July 4th) and I’ve sworn off any and all celebrating because even when it’s a good year, I cry during the fireworks (patriotism, family, and fireworks move me in amazing ways).  I can’t watch them this year and be involved in events because it takes me back to some point over the last 5 years.  Honestly, if I looked back, he made every effort to ruin that day for me either by starting an argument or giving me attitude because I wanted to go and enjoy the holiday amongst friends and family and his idea of fun was sitting at home and drinking the day away while he obsessed over some piece of meat on his fancy smoker.  Or .. getting drunk in front of my family and making a fool of himself.

I really want to jump a week so that I can avoid all of this.  I really want to go a day without crying.  I really just want to be happy again.  I know I’m the only one that can make that happen but I’m stuck in a cycle of negative talk in my head (that I’m trying to fix) and constant reminders of what was and what was lost.

I want to burn everything, sell everything, and leave everything on a daily basis.  None of this will help except maybe leaving and starting a new life somewhere.  What good is that if I’m miserable when I get there?!!!

I am supposed to find out, today, whether I get to move for my job and while wallowing over the weekend I made a decision that no matter what.. I’m moving out of Ohio ASAP.  There is nothing left for me here.  I can always come back and visit.. I just can’t be here.  I’ve lived here my whole life and hated most of it.  I will either be moving to the mountains of Denver or maybe the beaches of southern Florida or Georgia (although each are staunch conservative states and I’m so far off the radar …not sure these are good places for me either).  Denver seems like the more reasonable route, but… we’ll see.  Should know in about an hour.

I almost wonder if a funeral isn’t a viable idea.  Build each of them their own little caskets of memories and either bury them or burn them.  Formally say goodbye and maybe my brain can remap the loss as a permanent death, instead of death by absence of sight.  I have to do something.  Soon.  I’ve wasted too much time on this and I just want to move to a happier place.  Figuratively and literally.

VACATION WORKED WONDERS!

May30

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Once I was on the road to the beach, I managed to leave all of my anger, resentment, bitterness, unanswered questions, and tension behind.  I drove the whole trip with the windows down, wisps of hair under my ball cap blowing around, and a sense of peace and hope for the upcoming week!  It was exactly what I needed.

I got to spend some quality time with my daughters (belated Mother’s Day) horseback riding on a beach, drunken debauchery with friends, good food, ghosts, pool/hot tub time, sunburn/tan, and much needed relaxation.

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My daughters are officially adults and my relationship with them continues to evolve into magic!  They are amazing, beautiful, smart, driven, full of love, and adventurous… They are genuinely 2 of my favorite people on this planet and this trip was the best ever because of them!

Holy Narcissism, Batman!

May14

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It should’ve been evident to me when he broke up with me the first time because I didn’t compliment him on his jeans after he did his GIRL TWIRL in the kitchen… but nope!  My blind ass has fed the ego for years and didn’t even know it.

When I stopped… he stopped “loving” me.  I knew he was someone that relied heavily on compliments and accolades, so I dripped them all over him when I could muster the energy.   He would do the smallest things and launch it into some grande display that he wanted me to pat him on the back for until I wanted to puke.

I quickly started to resent this side of him.  There were never accolades, compliments, cheering, or announcements of grandeur when I did anything, but let me miss some small effort like him taking out the trash and the world would end.

I guess I’ve gotten so used to being my own cheerleader that I have little patience for the people in my life who require that I stroke their ego on the regular…  I’d rather stroke the medulla oblongata  of an angry alligator!
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Unfortunately, I’ve now come to a realization that I’ve wasted 5 years on someone who simply was using me as a “helium tank to inflate their sense of self”… Looking back, I seem to attract these people pretty often.  My screening process needs to tighten up some details.  IMMEDIATELY!

Bells on!

May10

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Seems that doors are opening and opportunities are arising!!  I genuinely hope the next year evolves enough so that I can move, start a new life, and a new position in my company.  No need to stick around here.  There’s nothing here for me anymore, short of my daughter, grandson, sister, and her family.  I can always come back!

Time to take my crazy train west!

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Crumbs

May8

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When it comes to the relationships in my life, I mostly feel like a baker… I prepare the goods, on demand, in the quantities needed, at the right temperature, and freshness guaranteed.   You want a 7 layer cake with a different filling/frosting on each layer?  Got it… you want a unicorn on top that shits sprinkles ??  No problem!  Nothing too big or too small is out of question.

Unfortunately, that mentality sometimes attracts the shittiest of people in my life.  People who “take” repeatedly but aren’t willing to “give” when the time comes.  Most of the time, I make excuses for these people and simply remember that the only person that I can ever truly depend on is me.  There are a few exceptions to this, like anything else…

I’ve recently ( in the past year ) decided to start sticking up for myself and ridding my life of the gluttons who only want to give me crumbs but expect me to be at their beckon call.  My circle of friends is so incredibly small these days.  Real friends have always been such a foreign concept to me.  I’ve never been good at making them or keeping them.  It takes a special kind of person to be able to tolerate me, I know, but I don’t ask for much from anyone.

Having such a small circle of friends, and those friends living far away, presents a level of loneliness that is so overwhelming and glaringly unavoidable that the last several months have been nearly unbearable.  It’s getting worse by the day so I’m having to face that there’s clearly something wrong with me or how I perceive “friendship”.  All relationships for that matter.  I don’t speak to anyone in my family except my sister…

Looking inward when you’ve never really had a high self-esteem is the worst.  You pick apart every single detail of every interaction to find the point in which you blew it.  Regardless if the relationship ending was your fault at all, you’ll find one little speck of pepper in a bowl of sugar and convince yourself that THAT ONE MOMENT.. THAT ONE COMMENT.. THAT ONE ACTION… THAT ONE PERSON (YOU) are to blame.   YOU are the common denominator.

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So what is my problem?  How do I fix it?

The healing has started

May3

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Getting closer to acceptance and moving on every day.  I have to remind myself that I loved him.  I still love him and will probably always love him (or the “him” in my mind that clearly didn’t exist).

I have to remind myself that if he truly loved me, he would’ve stuck around and tried to work on it instead of up and just leaving without any dialogue.  He never communicated with me about real things.  I’m not psychic.  Although I have a higher sensitivity to things, I can read minds.

I know my heart, what it’s capable of, what it wants, and what it needs.  I never seemed to know any of this with him.  He always kept me close enough but still at arms length.  I’ve begun to realize that I was simply a hobby..  something for him to fill the time when he didn’t have something else to do.  I just always seemed to “feel” that he loved me.  I never questioned it.  Maybe I should’ve a lot sooner.

He’s going to wake up one day and realize what I was willing to give him.  I hope he looks back fondly … and then stays the fuck away from me.   I will remember all of this and the treatment he has given me just in the past week.  I forgive him but I’m not stupid enough to ever go back.

Now, I just need to be able to live my life daily without crying over him, the memories, or the loss.  It’s going to be fine.  Everything is going to be fine.

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Guys who send grown women to fight their battles…

May1

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As if the last week hasn’t been enough… Jim decided to send his little girlfriends to fight his battles for him.  Grown woman approaches me in public at an establishment and tells me we need to go outside.  LOL

Bitch.  I am not playing these bullshit high school games with you.  Take your ass outside by yourself.  We’ve got nothing to discuss but please… continue to make a fool of yourself.  You’re trash.  He’s trash.  Any of you involved in this that want to get in my face again are trash.  GROW UP.

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This nonsense continued into midnight last night with yet another grown assed woman starting in … I haven’t slept much in the last week.  I didn’t sleep at all last night.

I used to be a third party collector.  A good one.  Part of why I was so good is that I document and save EVERYTHING..  If it’s not in writing, it didn’t happen.  I have every single email, text message, instant message, conversation, etc from ALL of the assholes in this.  Not one of them is going to try and convince anyone that I’m the bad guy in any of this.

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The worst part is the way that he now speaks to me.  Just over a week ago it was “I love you”, “I miss you”, “Goodnight/Good morning, my love” etc… now..

Classy, huh?  Still have no idea what I did to bring all of this on.  This particular message was prompted after I sent the bitch above an email that I sent him on Monday (out of nowhere, I had this overwhelming urge to send an email clarifying that I didn’t mean to imply that he was cheating on me with her specifically) because part of what she was yelling about was nothing close to anything I had said to him or her at any point…  She forwarded my message, telling her to get her facts straight and that he was playing both of us…

All I’ve ever done is love these people and in the blink of an eye, they’ve all turned on me.  I started to think I was crazy..  maybe I’m either imagining this or I’ve lost grasp on reality.  But I keep going back to look at everything and I’m still lost.  At this point, any thread of hope that I had that we would ever work this out has been cut with a pair of tailor’s sheers!

Folks need to remember that Karma never forgets an address.  All of them will get their due one day.  I won’t be around to witness it but it will happen.  I keep trying to get out of all of this but they keep dragging me back in.  After last night, I’m hoping this is officially done and I can move on.

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Pain and grief is so lonely.

Apr30

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It’s tough to go through a loss alone.  No one to talk to.  No one that understands.  No one that can fix it.  No one that can make the pain and heartache go away.

It’s been one week.  Literally to the minute.  He has erased me from him world.  I’m still not even sure what I did that was so horrible that erasing me in one week was so easy for him.

I’m not trying to be the psycho in this.  I’m trying to stay away.  I keep having to remind myself.. HE DOESN”T WANT YOU!

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The lack of answers is probably what hurts most.  The guessing and the filling in of the blanks takes a close second.

WOW!  Text from my sister of him with another woman already.  A MUTUAL FRIEND.  okay.  So..  that made me want to vomit.

I have literally sat here, jaw dropped, for half an hour.  DID NOT SEE THAT COMING!

The look on his face in the picture… I know every look on his face.  Every expression.  Every nuance.  He’s been involved with her for awhile.  He’s a smitten kitten right now.