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Coulda, shoulda, woulda!

Aug12

Yesterday could’ve been 5 years with Jim.  Should’ve been.

I avoided life at all cost yesterday.  Memories on the “book” etc.  I got all kinds of caught up on TV, watched a movie (although for the life of me I can’t remember which one.. must’ve sucked).  Took some naps.. It was a waste of a day but it was better than being around anyone and being pre-occupied with the thought of him and memories that we had made over the years.

I sent a very brief email stating I missed him and hoped he was well.  CRICKETS.  Which I expected but was hoping for better from him.  He has literally ghosted me since the day he left.  His ex before me owed him a couple thousand dollars for a car and he’s friends with her and still speaks to her… I just don’t understand the radio silence.

So.  Today is a new day.  I’ve gotten through what I considered to be the worst of it.  TIME TO MOVE ON!

Just wish I could erase him from my brain.  Completely.

Where are the free kittens?

Aug9

I’m not sure this dating thing is for me.  Either I’m not ready or the universe isn’t.  I don’t understand perpetually single people or serial daters.  How do you do it?

I have to carefully phrase everything that I say.  Especially if it involves technology.  Email, text, chat.  What happened to hours long conversations in the middle of the night that ended in someone snoring or a 30 minute battle of “NO! YOU HANG UP FIRST!”

I tried to convey to someone that I don’t have an agenda, ulterior motive, or malice intent.  I am someone that loves unconditionally, no matter who you are, if you’re in my life.  I will sacrifice and give all of what I have to make sure friends, family, lovers or acquaintances are happy.  If I have it in my power to make it happen, I do what I can.

Why does the ability to love have to be a bad thing?  Why does that have to make people uncomfortable and make me look like a lunatic?  Why can’t we all just have a loving spiritual connection with the people in our lives without it being awkward or having to explain it?  “Why can’t we all just get along?”

I would fully understand if I had only known someone a short amount of time and I professed my undying love for them and then camped out on their lawn with a wedding officiant!

I guess the real issue is “Why am I talking to another broken man?”  See?  This is what happens when you meet someone in “the public” and try to get to know them over text.  My social anxiety and overthinking won’t allow him to come to my house.  I can’t go to his house because of his recent breakup and everyone moving.  So we’re left to text like we’re hiding something.  THERE IS NOTHING TO HIDE!   All I want is that Cheesecake Date and see what happens!  LOL Chubby girl wants her dessert!

Now I get to decide if this is worth the hassle.  Do I cut this off now before it gets too much further and save us both the hassle of this daily struggle to communicate?  We just don’t communicate in the same manner.  Or go with the flow and stop overthinking it?  Or panic and go buy all the kittens and just be that lady in the neighborhood.

GET OFF MY LAWN!

The struggle is real, folks.

Online Dating SUCKS!

Aug8

I’m officially over trying to meet people spontaneously on the street etc.  I rarely leave my house except for work or the occasional libation with my friends.  This leaves my options limited to non-existent.

I did the “mix the <insert genital term> with the paycheck” thing.  That takes a special relationship with 2 mature and grown adults who know how to separate business/personal/pleasure.  If you start bringing your drama to work, it will fail epically and you have to be comfortable and secure enough to understand the theory of “work wife/husband” and not turn into some rabbit boiling psycho!  Regardless, there’s no one at work that I want to date..  (that I would admit to anyway)

I’m not big on picking people up in bars/nightclubs/etc.  I am too damn old for nightclubs and I look like a newborn giraffe when I try to dance.  Meeting someone in a place where alcohol is prominent simply shows you who the alcoholics are (zip it… I can quit any time LOL), who the psychos are, who the stalkers are, and who the WEIRDOS are!  It’s a rare occasion that you’ll meet someone to make a lifetime connection with at your local watering hole.  That’s not to say that I don’t flirt my ass off and enjoy some entertainment and conversation!

I decided to try online dating… UGH.. it has come to this.  I flat out refuse to just sit at home any longer and it’s time to move on and have fun and meet someone deserving, willing, and appreciative of my time and effort.

Let’s go through some of the obstacles:

  • Age/Sex/location- no biggie here… except, I’m not driving to hell’s half acre with what little time that I have.  If you’re more than 35 miles or more away… this isn’t going to work.  Tried it… it was a disaster.  I need your time.
  • Current relations status – This opens up a whole can of worms.  Do I want someone who has never been married?  Why haven’t they been married?  Divorced?  How recently?  Separated? WHY ARE YOU EVEN ON HERE?  No answer?  Why?  Does your wife know what you do in the den while she sleeps?
  • Smoker/Drinker – How honest are we about this?  I’m a strict non-smoker (nicotene products in general).  I drink daily for the most part but I’m not falling down drunk and running down the street naked.  No one wants to see that!  LOL  But am I social drinker and I’m just extra social or am I a moderate drinker and now everyone thinks I’m a booze hound?
  • Screen name – Use  my own name?  Use a screen name from another online profile? (I went with this option… probably not best, but..)  How clever are they?  Do they know how to use the Google machine?  *note to self, Googled myself… whoops*
  • Profile photos – This one cracks me up.  These photos have to be engaging, welcoming, flattering, and in a nutshell  HOT.  Without being provocative!  I personally left out my animals, my kids, exes, etc… I don’t think most got the memo on this tidbit of info.
  • Hometown/Current location – Hmm… how badly do you want a stalker?
  • Children – Want them? Have them? Yeah, again, I have kids but they don’t live at home but I wouldn’t want some creep picking me out of a lineup so they can prey upon my kids!  Again, most didn’t get this tidbit of info and overshare.  Do I want to raise more kids?  I probably screwed mine up from ever being repaired.. do you really want me around your littlins?
  • Pets – They should include an allergy button on this one.  Or in general.  LOL  I have dogs but what if I’m allergic to cats?
  • Like/Interests – *eye roll* so generic and honestly, I love hiking but my bum knee prevents it!
  • Physical Appearance – Umm… my version of average and yours may not be the same.  I’m not obese (I don’t think) but I’m not a runway model that is starving for a cheeseburger either!  I love food!  But I’m smart about it.
  • Profile Intro – This is where you can tell everyone what you think will draw people in.  I’ve had to edit mine about 7 times since the original.  This has prompted some very interesting message from some HUGE ASSHOLES… LOL  Some other folks may want to go in and edit theirs too!

 

Needless to say, I get a “list” of possible matches every morning and oh the thoughts that go through my mind when I scroll…

He has bodies in his basement.

He lives with his mom.

He’s on drugs.

He’s a gang banger.

He’s a serial killer/rapist

Does his wife know he’s on here?

Does he own clothing?

Does he own personal hygiene tools?

Is he homeless?

When is the last time he went for a haircut?

PLAYER!

Wife beater.

Can’t hold his liquor/Alcoholic

Put your tongue back in your mouth!  Who told you that was sexy?

Unemployed

He drives a van with “free puppies/candy” on the side

Tattoos on your face?  Are you Mike Tyson?

Please have someone show you how to take a selfie!

We get it .. you work out.

Oh… that escalated quickly from your 20’s to your 60’s!

Awe!  He’s adorable… wait.. too many other problems!

Ooooh… hit that heart!  Let’s see what happens!!!!  *please don’t be a psycho serial killer*

 

So here we are… Fielding hundreds of profiles to find maybe 3 people that I MIGHT be compatible with… nasty messages.. impatient or pushy people (who get blocked).. I’ve had extended conversations with a few people.  Less than one percent of what I see.    One told me his current wife has a personality disorder and is a horrible person to him and his daughter… umm… nope.  I see that going sideways, QUICKLY!  One who said maybe 2 things to me and immediately wanted to go for drinks… and yet at least one that is a good conversationalist so far, attractive (to me), employed, and witty/funny.

What the hell… let’s give it a whirl!  What’s the worst that can happen?

CHECK BACK OFTEN AND MAKE SURE I HAVEN’T FALLEN PREY TO A SERIAL KILLER!

 

VACATION WORKED WONDERS!

May30

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Once I was on the road to the beach, I managed to leave all of my anger, resentment, bitterness, unanswered questions, and tension behind.  I drove the whole trip with the windows down, wisps of hair under my ball cap blowing around, and a sense of peace and hope for the upcoming week!  It was exactly what I needed.

I got to spend some quality time with my daughters (belated Mother’s Day) horseback riding on a beach, drunken debauchery with friends, good food, ghosts, pool/hot tub time, sunburn/tan, and much needed relaxation.

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My daughters are officially adults and my relationship with them continues to evolve into magic!  They are amazing, beautiful, smart, driven, full of love, and adventurous… They are genuinely 2 of my favorite people on this planet and this trip was the best ever because of them!

Holy Narcissism, Batman!

May14

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It should’ve been evident to me when he broke up with me the first time because I didn’t compliment him on his jeans after he did his GIRL TWIRL in the kitchen… but nope!  My blind ass has fed the ego for years and didn’t even know it.

When I stopped… he stopped “loving” me.  I knew he was someone that relied heavily on compliments and accolades, so I dripped them all over him when I could muster the energy.   He would do the smallest things and launch it into some grande display that he wanted me to pat him on the back for until I wanted to puke.

I quickly started to resent this side of him.  There were never accolades, compliments, cheering, or announcements of grandeur when I did anything, but let me miss some small effort like him taking out the trash and the world would end.

I guess I’ve gotten so used to being my own cheerleader that I have little patience for the people in my life who require that I stroke their ego on the regular…  I’d rather stroke the medulla oblongata  of an angry alligator!
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Unfortunately, I’ve now come to a realization that I’ve wasted 5 years on someone who simply was using me as a “helium tank to inflate their sense of self”… Looking back, I seem to attract these people pretty often.  My screening process needs to tighten up some details.  IMMEDIATELY!

Bells on!

May10

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Seems that doors are opening and opportunities are arising!!  I genuinely hope the next year evolves enough so that I can move, start a new life, and a new position in my company.  No need to stick around here.  There’s nothing here for me anymore, short of my daughter, grandson, sister, and her family.  I can always come back!

Time to take my crazy train west!

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Guys who send grown women to fight their battles…

May1

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As if the last week hasn’t been enough… Jim decided to send his little girlfriends to fight his battles for him.  Grown woman approaches me in public at an establishment and tells me we need to go outside.  LOL

Bitch.  I am not playing these bullshit high school games with you.  Take your ass outside by yourself.  We’ve got nothing to discuss but please… continue to make a fool of yourself.  You’re trash.  He’s trash.  Any of you involved in this that want to get in my face again are trash.  GROW UP.

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This nonsense continued into midnight last night with yet another grown assed woman starting in … I haven’t slept much in the last week.  I didn’t sleep at all last night.

I used to be a third party collector.  A good one.  Part of why I was so good is that I document and save EVERYTHING..  If it’s not in writing, it didn’t happen.  I have every single email, text message, instant message, conversation, etc from ALL of the assholes in this.  Not one of them is going to try and convince anyone that I’m the bad guy in any of this.

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The worst part is the way that he now speaks to me.  Just over a week ago it was “I love you”, “I miss you”, “Goodnight/Good morning, my love” etc… now..

Classy, huh?  Still have no idea what I did to bring all of this on.  This particular message was prompted after I sent the bitch above an email that I sent him on Monday (out of nowhere, I had this overwhelming urge to send an email clarifying that I didn’t mean to imply that he was cheating on me with her specifically) because part of what she was yelling about was nothing close to anything I had said to him or her at any point…  She forwarded my message, telling her to get her facts straight and that he was playing both of us…

All I’ve ever done is love these people and in the blink of an eye, they’ve all turned on me.  I started to think I was crazy..  maybe I’m either imagining this or I’ve lost grasp on reality.  But I keep going back to look at everything and I’m still lost.  At this point, any thread of hope that I had that we would ever work this out has been cut with a pair of tailor’s sheers!

Folks need to remember that Karma never forgets an address.  All of them will get their due one day.  I won’t be around to witness it but it will happen.  I keep trying to get out of all of this but they keep dragging me back in.  After last night, I’m hoping this is officially done and I can move on.

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So.. how ya like me now?

Sep17

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I love it when I meet someone and they’ve already had a predisposed opinion of me that was defined by a picture that someone else painted in their mind.  I love it even more when they realize I’m really not what they had been led to believe I was.

Maybe if we all took a little time to hear both sides of a story, made the effort to form an opinion AFTER we have all the facts, or simply took the time to really get to know someone, this wouldn’t be such a crappy world.

Can’t please some people…

Aug31

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There are just some people on this planet that I’ll never be able to please.  Yet… for some damn reason I still try (by force mostly).  My life is being forced out of its routine to accommodate someone else… a lot of someone else’s … and all I get is grief and snippy attitudes.

Seriously?  Get over yourself.  My life is having to be completely turned upside down and revamped to make sure that you have the tools that you need to do your job.  The least you could do is simply say “thank you” even if you don’t mean it.  FAKE THAT SHIT!

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I understand more is needed, but an effort is being made.  Try not to bite the hand that feeds you and be a little appreciative that someone is “listening” to your “needs” instead of making empty promises to fix and then never delivering.  This is a new opportunity for you to get what you’ve wanted for years and although it’s not at the speed you want, or the content, the least you could do is understand that a genuine effort is being made, which is far more than anyone else has done for you…

Instead you find it necessary to bitch and complain… bite my face off like some douche bag hipster on bath salts…  and demand more.

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If I had it my way, the offer would be off the table and it would be business as usual… unfortunately, I have no say in the matter, but I promise that my protest will be heard and I will fight this effort with everything I’ve got at this point.  I’ve known for years that there’s no pleasing you.  Now, they know too.  Good job, genius!