Words out of anger

Jan20

Ever since I was young, I’ve always tried so hard not to say anything to anyone to hurt them.  I genuinely realize that words can’t be taken back.  I can think anything I want, but it’s rare that I let the words escape this giant head of mine.

Unfortunately, others don’t take the same kind of care with their words.  People find it so easy to unload on me and although the words hurt, I try to forgive and forget.  Recently, someone came at my throat and although they apologized a few days later, the words really hurt.  REALLY hurt.  I’ve always given this person the benefit of the doubt, been very careful of their feelings, and always tried to see things from their side.  There is now a wall.  A very thick, mighty, and sturdy wall that will NEVER be toppled between us.

Over the years, I’ve tried to show them what they are worthy of, what they didn’t deserve from the people around them, and the happiness they could have if they would just try… They don’t get it.  They’re too set in their ways.

This isn’t someone I can just ignore or walk away from.  They are going to be around for the rest of our lives.  As a friend, I’m okay with that, but at an arms length.  Beyond that, I have no use for them.  I hope they find what they need in life and stop fighting the universe on its message.  Not everything has to be so tough for them and they don’t have to be such an asshole about every single thing.

Moving on…

Jan17

Time to leave the past in the past and move on to bigger and better things.  My world is about to change dramatically for the best and I can not wait!  There’s nothing standing in my way now, except me… and I refuse to block any new adventures coming my way.

I have put everything in my life on hold for everyone else.  No longer.  This is my time to live.  I have no reason not to and better now than never…  I refuse to die with regrets!

My heart’s truth…

Jan15

I am exhausted from lying to myself.  I’m not over him.  I don’t want to be, if I’m honest.  I’m not sad/angry etc anymore… I just feel in my soul that he is my “person”.

I am trying to manifest what I know to be true… A lot of messages have come through the last couple of days.  I have to trust the process.  There was an imbalance and neither of us wanted to admit that and instead of discussing it, he left.

If it’s meant to be… it will be.

“Mom, Scientology has peaked(sp) my interest”

Jan13

How ’bout FUCK NO!  Get your ass away from that as soon as possible, wipe your eyes, ears, phone, messenger, PC… everything of that thought.  And while you’re at it, do a CTRL+ALT+DEL on your brain and do a hard reboot!

ABSOLUTELY NOT!  Look, your sister is already a flat-earther.  I can’t have you joining a cult… unless it’s a Cult of Personality (which you’ve got plenty of!)

I didn’t bring my kids up in organized religion.  I don’t believe that children are equipped with the mental capacity to understand the gravity of associating or joining a specific religion.  I raised my kids on the “Golden Rule”.  As long as you’re good to people, and have a mostly pure heart full of love… you’ll do fine in life.  You don’t have to go to a building, give your paycheck away, and buy into a bunch of nonsense just to prove to someone that you deserve to go to “heaven”.  Organized religion is BULLSHIT!

I grew up Catholic.  I do not practice and refuse to associate myself with the biggest bunch of damn hypocrites on the planet.

I don’t know what is controlling the universe, I do believe that something is going on, but “GOD” in modern times is simply a fear tactic in my opinion.  Frankly, it’s been a fear tactic for centuries and a reason to create wars and fight for power over the world.  Again… it’s all bullshit in my opinion.  I don’t test the universe.  I am a huge believer in Karma… That bitch has me on speed dial.

You believe what you want to believe… I’ll believe what I want to believe.  We cool?  Cool.

I need a maid…

Jan12

I loathe cleaning.. How does so much dust accumulate so quickly??  WTF is dust??  I’ve switched out the filter on the furnace but it JUST NEVER STOPS!  Is it an Ohio thing?  I know it’s a common thing around the world, I’m not dumz… this house just has more dust than I know what to do with.

I can’t wait to minimize my living space.  I hate apartment living but I do like not having to clean 1500+ sq ft of non-lived-in space.

Maybe one day I’ll meet myself a good wife and he’ll love cleaning.. LOL  Or even a rich husband and hire someone to do all the work!  HAHHAH  yeah right.  Guess it’s left to me.  Maybe one of those extended stay hotels would work for me… or lifetime cruise!  #retirement goals

Glad the holidays are over…

Jan9

AND I SURVIVED!  Barely.

I gave literally the bare minimum to the holidays.  From Halloween through New Year’s .. I did NOT participate.  Or participated at a level to keep everyone off of my ass.

“It’s been long enough, get over it”
“Sick of you blowing me off for him”
“You need to get it together and move on”
“Don’t give him the satisfaction”

Just a few of the things said to me instead of

“We love you and understand”
“What can I do to help?”
“Do you need anything?”
“I’m here”

Most days are good.  I don’t think about him and if I do, I try to remember how badly he made me feel and how he just LEFT.  In dealing with all of this I’ve been told I have severe PTSD (not from him – or very little from him).  Turns out PTSD isn’t just from fighting in a war or surviving some epic event.  It explains a ton of things and my reactions to a lot of situations.   I’ve isolated myself so much over the last 8+ months so that I can heal.  It’s a slow process that I am trying to figure out on my own.

Move to Denver is moving at a glacial pace.  Emptying the house out (I refuse to take anything but a very few things, from my present or past,  with me into this adventure) is a chore.  I hate moving.  I hate leaving the people that I love.  Some don’t even know I’m going yet.  Can’t wait to get away from others.   I can’t stay.  I have to go.  I need to redefine who I want to be.  This pathetic stagnant slob isn’t me.  I’ve shut down so hard that my pulse is about the only thing that separates me from the dead.

I wish there were more to talk about, but life has been incredibly uneventful.  I choose it to be that way to protect my own peace.

 

The last month…

Oct14

Compared to my last post, this one will have a far different tone.

I went to the local Reiki Center that following Friday for any kind of help I could get from anyone who was willing.  Let me preface this by stating that I am very sensitive .. meaning, if I see your name, face, anything about you and it gives me even the slightest pause, I am moving on.  I tried looking into conventional therapy but couldn’t find a provider that was what I needed or that gave me the warm and fuzzies.  When I found LJ on the Reiki Center website… I just knew.

I was 20 minutes early to my appointment with her and had NO IDEA what was going to happen or what I was getting myself into.  I did quickly locate the tissues because tears simply were flowing from me without any breaks or warning.  I went in for an Emotional Focused Therapy (and some sort of “tapping”).  LJ quickly sensed that there was a flood of “shit” to get through and literally looked at me and said “I want you to verbal vomit all over me.”

I did.

For once, someone got me and listened intently and offered hope.  I left that appointment feeling like a new person.  The crying stopped immediately.  I felt so much weight lifted off of me that I texted her 2 days later to thank her for the “Sneaky Reiki” that I was certain she had performed while I was trying to choke back tears and speak clearly.

She offered insight into me as a person that I never knew.  The next day, I went to an expo that I fondly have called Hippie Fest.  I try to go every year but I knew I needed to go this time.  I love them and hate them all the same.  They are exhausting for me.  People suck my good energy and leave me a pile of goo every time I go.

This time was different.  I barely looked at anyone, anything, didn’t speak… A few people forced themselves into my space and I was polite but slightly irritated.  Except one woman.  She had these resin pyramids with crystals and stones stacked in them… Her husband told me to put my hand over the largest one.  I rolled my eyes and did it… to entertain him.  I quickly let him know that these things never have any effect on me.  He looked dead at me and said “That’s because you’re highly sensitive”… Something LJ had just said to me the day before.  He told me to come back later and he’d give me a reading.
I went back.  Boy did I go back.  I beat feet trying to find his booth again.  Listen, when I say the pull was so forceful, it was like a 50lb magnet.  I didn’t even look at other readers all day and chalked it up to one of the times that I left without a reading.  It happens.  I just don’t get a vibe from most people.  And if I don’t get the right feeling… I’m not giving you my money.  I’ve had good and bad readings over the years but this was the 2nd time that I was at the event and couldn’t leave until I spoke to someone.  He gave me the most interesting reading.  It started off AWFUL and he begged me to restart it… I told him to go with it, I needed to hear what he had to say.  I saved most of the reading on my phone and wish I hadn’t turned my phone off so soon.

These 2 days lit a fire under me to move towards a more positive outlook, let go of the pain in my past, feel ZERO guilt about protecting my peace, and simply be happy again.

I have cried ONE TIME since that weekend.  ONCE.  I’m going to have my moments, but I am so much better than I was a month ago.  No more lying in bed crying myself to sleep.  I’ve cleaned the house, shampooed the carpets in my bedroom, started laundry, COOKED… all the things that I’ve needed to do but too depressed to mess with.

Oh… and I may have met some new people that are putting some additional joy in my life… I keep them at a distance for now but it’s nice that I am back to meeting people and laughing again.

I guess we’ll see!

Begging for peace

Sep10

I am not religious by any stretch of the imagination and don’t believe in the racket they call organized religion.  What I do believe is that there are energies in place to help or harm.  There is a higher power in play, although I have no idea what/who it is and honestly it’s of no consequence to me except to know that I have no power against the universe.

I do sometimes speak to the universe in my own way.  Last night, it was curled up in the fetal position, asking for answers and to make the pain stop.  Not gonna lie… dying seemed like a welcome peace to me.  Not in a suicidal way, more of a “I am desperate to forget him and move on” kind of way and have not found a way to move on at all during the last 5 months.

I wish I were more like him or anyone I know that is strong enough to quickly get past emotions and get on with life.  This has literally broken me and my heart and I struggle every single day to not cry.  I was doing well for a couple of weeks, I was distracted with people and activities, but lately I’ve been so alone.  I try to get out of the house, but the weekends end up being a drunken night on Friday, hungover on Saturday, and miserably depressed on Sunday.  During the week, once I’m home… I’m  home.  Lights off, windows and curtains closed, something stupid on TV to drown out the crying.

I’ve resolved to trying to see some kind of practitioner.  Not a doctor that will dope me up on bullshit meds that turn me into a bigger psycho, or will make me feel nothing at all.  I’m going to go to a holistic healer (or one of them) and start the process of getting all of the negativity in my head, the pain in my heart, and the anger all dealt with.

I have zero desire to have fun, be around anyone, or do anything at all for that matter, most days.  I force myself, against the anxiety, some days, but mostly I’m a mess.

I don’t talk to anyone about what is really going on in my head or heart because.. let’s face it… people don’t give a fuck about anyone but themselves anymore.  Friends are superficial at best and in name only.  Everyone has their own shit they’re going through and no one wants more added onto it.  I don’t blame them.  I don’t even want to deal with my shit, why would they want to?

I do have to get back to a happy place.  I need to be excited about life again.  I need something to look forward to and the motivation to make it all happen.  I can’t continue on living this way.  It’s killing me.

I suppose I should be flattered..

Sep9

Embarrassingly enough, I joined a dating app (which I’ve written about before).  So far, it’s slim pickins.  It even got to the point that the app stopped suggesting people because I had literally “X”d through almost 99%.  I’ve gotten hundreds of likes from people who clearly didn’t read my profile.  They see my pictures and jump on the opportunity and hope against all odds that I’ll “heart” them back or even say hello.  I rarely do.

Saw a profile of someone that liked me, they were attractive, their profile was interesting, so I liked back.  Crickets for over a month and then out of the blue yesterday he joked that he hoped I liked younger men.  I typically do not.  I don’t have the patience for the antics but he seemed relatively sane so I replied that I was more concerned that he liked “older ladies”… yes, not women, ladies.  Trying to send my own message.

His reply was “are you at all interested in a purely sexual relationship.  I don’t expect anything from you.  I’m here to please.  I’m very good with my tongue.”

DOES THIS SHIT WORK???  Umm… tempting… but one night stands and random sex with guys is not how I work at all.  Of course, my options these days are extremely limited/non-existent, but I just can’t bring myself to be one of those people.

This wasn’t the first time, this weekend, that a scenario like this presented itself.

Friday night I went out with my neighbors to have dinner and drinks and laugh at some Karaoke… When karaoke started, this very attractive man “V” sang a Prince song.  He sang it very well… I was feelin it… He sang a few songs and I loved all of them.  He sat down to talk with all of us and eventually asked me to speak alone.  I was flattered.  We exchanged pleasantries for a few minutes and BAM he hits me with “Hey, I have a room at the Hyatt downtown, you should come hang!”  I politely explained that “I’m not that kind of lady”… he claims to have meant no “intentions” and that he thought I was cool and wanted to hang out.  Umm… this isn’t my first day on the planet.  We could hang out just fine where we were if that is what he wanted.  He promptly disappeared.

This is exactly why I’m avoiding the whole dating scene.  I am too old fashioned for today’s scene.  I still believe in courting, flowers, opening doors, etc etc.  I want romance.  Not some mystery trying to figure out someone’s last name after being ravished for 20 minutes.

I used to be waaaaaay funnier!

Aug30

Someone who shall forever remain nameless, just forced me to read some old blogs.. I need to step up my game! I’ve lost my sense of humor!

And ability or focus to add memes and photos!